i'm just a boy with a new haircut

i haven't posted anything here in almost a week. christmas has come & gone. i have been working a whole bunch. days that i have work are basically all the same (expect for lunch with sue yesterday. that was a pleasant change in my pattern)

i didn't work today. here is today's story...

i woke up pretty late for me. 10am. lately i have been waking up earlier and earlier. i don't know if it is because of getting used to waking up early or not, but i now seem to wake up ~9am all on my own. but today it was around 10am. so i got up, checked my computer and then went down stairs for some eggo treats. i was planning to into the city to get my haircut today. when i woke up & saw snow out on the ground, i started to not want to go. snow is cold. but since i already had a partner in crime for my outing, i could back out. that sounds like complaining, but it isn't. i always tell myself that i am going to do things and then i back out of them. i should have gotten a haircut months ago, but i put it off. even last time i went, i was outside of the haitcuttery and almost left. so making plans with someone is a good thing.

after planning and taking my time, i make it to laura's house. i leave my car in her driveway and then we make our way to the 12:40 train (after first planning to take the 11:40). after we get in, our first stop is S'MAC. i think i have found my mecca. a place that only serves mac and cheese is a place that i can stand behind. i got the cheeseburger one and was more than pleased. if i lived in the area i would go there too often and would probably die from either cheese overload or a heart attack...which ever came first.

then it was off to astor hair. it is a nice cheap place that cuts my hair quite well most of the time that i go. this time i wasn't too pleased. it doesn't look ugly, but it isn't anything good. i told the woman that i wanted it cut to my chin and choppy in the back. she only followed the first half of my request. i have been to this place a total of 4 times and have had 4 different people cut my hair. the first time was amazing. the third time was really stellar. and the second and this time was nothing special at all. my mom has done better jobs in my kitchen than these people have done in a saloon. i'm kind of upset that i paid money for something and didn't get at all what i wanted. so i am going to have to either live with it or get it fixed. and i think, depending on how it looks tomorrow when i am leaving for work, that i am going to have to go to someone to make it look better.

another point of my outing today was to go to american apparel. i finally got my purple hoodie. i have been dying for one for way too long. i finally gave in and purchased one. i am wearing it now and i couldn't be happier (it makes me feel better because i am not thinking about my hair). i also went to the gap and got this great sweater for only $20. i charged way too much today, but it was all worth it.

barely made the train home b/c i needed a hot beverage (the new salted caramel hot chocolate at starbucks is possibly the greatest thing on earth). someone left their phone on the train and i was a good person and called their 'home' number. i left it at the station house and the guy said that he will pick it up tomorrow. i'm a good person. plus there is karma. and with my luck, it would have kicked my ass if i didn't do the right thing. but really i did what i would have hoped someone would have done for me.

so now i am home and that is all. no new years celebration for me. all i am going to do is upload some pictures from today, perhaps some laundry and watch kathy griffin & anderson cooper ring in the new year. laura invited me to go out with her and her boy tonight to some party, but i have work at 10am, so that limits whatever fun i might have been able to have.

i am going to go pout about my hair some more & play some ds

old habits die hard

i spent my friday night watching wall-e and crying.

what did you do?



i'm tired so the whole being there at 8am won't be fun, but i know that work tomorrow will be a good distraction.

with each coming winter

i have been slacking here. i have been working a lot so not much time to be home & blog. maybe i will write tomorrow or when i come home from my aunt's house tonight.

but for now, merry christmas!

let your heart be light

i figured since christmas is on thursday, i could be somewhat festive. i changed my now playing song to a holiday tune done by the always amazing jessi robertson singing 'have yourself a merry little christmas.'

it really doesn't feel like christmas. even with all the music we are playing at work, it isn't enough to get me in that frame of mind. i mean there is snow on the ground and my mom is making tons of treats. but the house isn't really all christmas-y besides my dad putting up lights. i'm not even doing anything for xmas eve, i am going to be at the bookstore all day. maybe it will hit me christmas morning or when i go to my aunt's house in the early afternoon.

either way, i am not very cheerful right now...holiday season or not.

let it snow?

it is supposed to snow again tomorrow.
& that fucking sucks.

hopefully it is sometime after 4 so i will be home from work when that happens.

running around in circles

it is snowing pretty nicely out there.

but i did get to go out this morning and picked up all my christmas gifts for myself (my mom gives us money & we buy everything ourselves). while it does kill the excitement, it does make sure that i get stuff that i like.

here is the list of stuff that i like: dvd player, the new fall out boy cd (don't judge), guitar hero: decades for ds, a wallet, pants from the gap (2 dress pants, 1 pair of jeans). i know that i shouldn't use any of it for about six days, but i really want to use the dvd player & play guitar hero. but i will wait...maybe. the dvd player might have to be opened depending on how boring my life remains these next couple days.

in terms of other people, i am all set for my mom & dad. all i really need to get for is my sister. and i don't think that will be too hard

this is not routine

i think i have time to actually write something & am totally in the mood to do so. this might be long depending on how long i feel like writing, what i have to say and when my mom calls me for dinner. i am sorry, but pasta & sauce really trumps blogging.


right now life is pretty ok. i mean there isn't too much going on. school is done. as in - i have finally finished. i am no longer an undergrad. this took 7.5 years, but it has happened. it doesn't feel like it though. i mean i know that i am done but it feels like a break, not completion. then again that is all it really is. i have to start grad school in fall 09. and then i have to take 175 hours of classes every 5 years after that. so really it is just one chapter of schooling that is done. i still have ~30 years left of learning left to do. shit, when you put it that way it is no longer too exciting.

my life now is all about retail and eventually subbing. i had the thought the other day that i am going to get stuck in the retail business. this week and next i will be working five days a week. this will probably continue until i tell eric not to schedule me that anymore. i can't start subbing until february. which is oddly ok. it makes me nervous to begin that whole chapter. i have been getting really scared about it lately. i don't know why. i have friends who have been really diving head first into it. and i am not. i am kind of relieved. it is natural to be nervous, but i know that if i don't start, i am never going to actually start. i know that this is what i am good at and what i want to do, so hopefully it will all fall into place.

other than that, there isn't much to tell. tina is home, so we hang & play music often. laura is in india, so i miss her. i see other friends sporadically and it is always wonderful. i've been talking to some new folks, but they tend to disappear after a while. i am used to being alone at this point so i just try to not get too excited about anything. my heart is in no shape to get all worked up about something that won't develop into anything substantial.

alright i have run out of words & am kind of hungry. i'm going to go check on the status of dinner & hope things are coming along well.

go your own way

oh! i forgot!

guess who i am going to see in march with helen...


that's right. fleetwood-motherfucking-mac

i can't wait.

adulthood?

what do Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Carole King, Paul Simon, and myself have in common?

we have all graduated from queens college.


and the difference between us?
i'll be working retail while they are being amazing

but at least i am not an undergrad anymore, 7.5 years is long enough.

that's not exactly true, only you

apparently...
- people read my blog. (i really thought they didn't)
- it is really cold in my room (my fingers are like ice)
- i am done with student teaching in two days (it is nuts)
- carter's charges for boxes (total assholes is what i say)
- i'm a total asshole (oh the complicated truth...)

kick yourself in the mouth

i have been at the public library for over 3hrs. i have not been doing anything productive.

well nothing really productive. i have been uploading videos to youtube. i have one of jessi & one of brian from a while ago(which doesn't seem to want to load). plus they increased the max file size to a gig. so i am just uploading a couple things that i have in my files that i haven't put up. it is just some joe wilson videos and a couple kevin devine ones. the only problem is that because they are bigger files, they are taking forever. i am on my last one now.

oh and a note here for you to be informed and for me to not forget:
bess rogers. dec 16th. 8pm. rockwood music hall.
i have class at 4:30, but i am probably going to head in after. it is a tuesday night so it should be easy enough. i haven't seen her play since the early summer, so it would be nice.

i should at least try to sleep so i don't over sleep for work

sunday - work, kevin devine/manchester in philly
monday - teaching
tuesday - teaching, computer class
wednesday - teaching, my final seminar, concert (either kd/mo in hoboken or jessi at the living room)
thursday - teaching (last day), work (joy?)
friday - para job (maybe), babysitting (& playing rockband)
saturday - teaching exam (last one!), work all night

speaking of jessi's show on wed, here is some info:





we all know i love jessi & kelli rae is a doll and can play a mean ukulele. it is for a good cause so besides listening to lovely ladies, it is worth your time.

we'll all float on

it is almost thursday.
i'm so excited for the week to end

one week away from being totally done
(minus having to go back for the 16th)

then i can work again & have money like a normal human being.

don't look at me like that

another busy week is well underway

sunday - work, time to breathe
monday - teaching, another seminar ($40 gone)
tuesday - teaching, computer class
wednesday - teaching, certification workshop ($40 gone, again)
thursday - teaching (field trip), work (joy?)
friday - class, babysitting ($60 back in my pocket)
saturday - work (at noon, so i can actually sleep)

i should have done laundry when i got home. seriously, i have nothing to wear tomorrow when i found something to wear this morning i was beyond lucky. i don't think i can be that lucky two days in a row. maybe i should start looking for something now?

we're totally at odds

i have been toiling the last couple days when my shuffle came on my ipod over what i should put here for a new song.

i finally picked one

When you're close to me
Something stirs in me
Oh, the beast is free
But I know you'll never be

it is 'chase' by leona naess. her new cd was on the instore play list at work and it sparked me to get more into her again lately. this song is off her first cd, which i have had since it came out. it is my life in a song. enjoy it.

with music you don't need

because i've been posting pictures lately
& since all i've wanted to do lately is cry

here is another from a site i haven't visited in ages


dinner tonight will hopefully make me feel better.

found safety in this loneliness

ever since i got home from work
the day has been totally crappy

i have a lovely date with ms. helen
tomorrow night, so life will be good

but to help make me feel better right now,
here are some pictures from the other night.
(none of brian, but i did get a glorious video)








oh & black friday was alright.
no laptops at 5am at the store
it was just like a busy saturday

and i'm thanking you for it

what am i thankful for?

that i got to work all night and didn't have to help prep for today!

oh and that my netflix automatically took itself off hold, which is fun when i don't have a working dvd player or any time to actually watch any movies.

alright, off to shower & find other things to do to put off being a helpful member of my family on this joyous holiday.

cause we care, not for the thrill

tomorrow will be an amazing day...my first real solo show.


it might kill me.
so i might need names to cover my shift wed night at the store

besides massive hangs with the team,
more than anything i am always most excited to see kevin.

it has been a month since cmj, and a month always feels too long when it comes between shows. i have seen kevin perform many times and it is always just as fresh as the first time 3.5 years ago. there is something about him and the music that he plays that gets me every time. as a normal guy, he is probably one of the best dudes that i know. he is always legit and he gets it. as a musician, the music never fails me. there is always some deep emotion that i can get from the words and the notes that he chooses. the same song can make me feel empowered one moment, cry the next, and help everything make sense not far after that. it is just real.

there's just one thing I got

in response to the description my last post...the last thing that happens to me is that my lips tense up. i think it is another measure to prevent myself from crying. i push my lips together and kind of bite on my lip.

i found this out last night.
it didn't work because i was a mess.



either way, today was an alright start to a nutso busy week.
sunday - work, meeting
monday - teaching, seminar, maybe a little bit of work.
tuesday - teaching, solo show in brooklyn
wednesday - teaching, work
thursday - thanksgiving
friday - work, babysitting
saturday - work, a wonderful date with ms. galarza


but now sleep...teaching pretty early in the morning.

the future of things we all know

(i sat with this open for 30 minutes. i used bablefish to translate it into italian & french. eventually i put it back into english. then i made revisions to it. took things out, added others. mostly added to it. i posted it and then added & edited it even more. here it is in it's basically finished glory...not that anyone reads this anyway)

i had the feeling that i needed to get words out the whole drive home.

i almost cried at work. ever since august, i have cried so much i can now describe to you the exact process that my body takes to get to that moment. i felt that sink in my chest that i get, like part of my throat drops to my diaphragm. my eyes didn't grow watery, i stopped it just in time...but my tear ducts started to fill. when that happens, it puts this odd type pressure on the tops of my cheeks. they always turn bright red and stay that way for a long time. (i even think they have yet to totally bounce back from the debacle that was two wednesdays ago). then my nose tickled. i don't get that part. it is kind of like that "i have to sneeze" feeling, but not quite. when my nose begins to act up, i know that is the last chance i have to stop myself. it is my last chance to pull that emergency break. b/c then my eyes fill up & my vision gets blurry. from that point, any blink can be the wrong one to make that first tear fall. then it is usually all over. this all happened in less than one second. it is that quick. and still that one second is oh so terrifying.

a friend and i were having a nice conversation and then i let my head get the best of me. i thought of something i shouldn't have let myself think about. it was about how no one ever likes me in any additional way. i can count on one hand the three people in my life who legitimately wanted to be in a relationship with me. oddly, i met them all when i was 18 and going to stony brook. (i guess that was a good age & place for me.) but now, i am 25 years old. i've only been in one relationship (which stemmed from that pool of people). even including that off putting three years, it has been one big "swing and a miss" type life for me for the last eight years...lets not even talk about before that.

i understand that i am unattractive.
i understand that i fall for someone quickly.

however, i don't understand how i am constantly deemed better suited for a friend every single time. i don't think i am super undesirable at all. i am a good person. after seven and a half years, i will finally be a college graduate(with two degrees mind you). i get great discounts on books & amazing prices on coffee. i don't ask for much. i am a funny lady. i listen to good music. i mean, i could totally be a good catch.

but no one gives me the chance to be.

i used to think all the time

[Now Playing] Bayside - Moceanu

i have been missing. i could say i have been busy & that is why i haven't written or called.

but i would be a liar.

either way, AA Bondy tonight at mercury lounge



i adore him more since he talks on his shoe like it's a phone.

...apparently, it is a trait i enjoy in people.

drowned her deep inside of me

i feel like crap tonight...
unfortunately nostalgic

it was you or maybe it was me

after a fucked up wednesday & shitty thursday, i am having a much better day. i got to talk to people about it and hearing what people have said, it makes me feel better about what happened but makes me even more mad b/c everything was super uncalled for.

my eye are almost giving me no discomfort, which is a total relief.

what would have been even better though would be if i was at colour revolt tonight. grr. total bummer. but hopefully they will come to town again soon. i haven't seen them in my home state in too long of a time (may 07?). at this point i associate them with philly more than anything else...even though they are from oxford, mississippi and i am from long island.

all that dialogue

today is one of the worst days i have had thus far in my life.

definitely top 5
maybe top 3 if i really thought about it

you sighed and i was lost in you

i spent the whole day in my pajamas

my evening was spent
- in my basement
- drinking tea
- watching 30 rock
- eating grilled cheese
- avoiding feeling like an asshole

overall, it was a pretty decent day off!

...well minus feeling like an asshole

i think i need to think

i have never seen jimmy eat world before, but the fact that they are going to do a string of shows performing the entire Clarity album...i think i might have to get off my ass and see them.

i have nothing to do today and it is going to be wonderful. this is my first day to really be able to do nothing productive since august.

if i wasn't poor i would run to looney tunes and pick up the new right away, great captain! album. but i am poor and lazy, so unless someone else drives me there & pays for it, i will have to wait.

who you gonna call

i just put on pajama bottoms, sweats,
a shirt and a sweatshirt & i'm still cold

hopefully my covers will warm me up

plus ghostbusters II is on & that
can only make the night better

makes life worth living

[Now Watching] VH1: The Pick-Up Artist 2

i cracked the faceplate of my outlit when i was plugging in my amp

so now i don't want to put on my light until i can have my dad look at it. but my parents are in PA and are not going to be back until monday night, maybe tuesday. i have already forgotten 2 times in the last 20 minutes.

it should be fine
i'm over paranoid.


but it was worth it. it felt so good to play my electric. i haven't really felt that pleasant in awhile. it is funny how six vibrating strings can make me happy.

you move awfully quiet now

i'm almost a month away from being done with school
and a month and a halfish from graduating college

i have a feeling life is going to get amazingly
better or be horribly worse once i graduate.




all i know is that i am super broke right now and it sucks.
cause that means all the things i want to do this week...

mon - dinner with friends from school
tues - kevin devine & brian bonz at tcnj
friday - colour revolt at highline ballroom

are probably not going to get accomplished.

i'm also not babysitting this weekend and my paycheck is going to be super low next friday since i only worked three days last week. boo.

you won't even notice i'm gone

i don't care anymore,
but i think my watery eyes did.

all i know is that it is the last time.

You & me have seen everything to see

it has been a while. been super busy & really haven't thought about this lovely place much. work and school has really taken over my life & time. my final observation at student teaching was today. three A's and i feel so happy. i am almost a month away and can't be happier to be done. i am going to miss my kids, but i am ready to be out there in the real world.

tuesday was the election of all elections, in my life time at least. i have never really been into politics, but i have paid much more attention this time around. it feels nice to be somewhat informed. too bad everyone else doesn't feel that way.

put the lonesome on the shelf

[Now Strumming] Ingrid Michaelson - You & I

i kind of...

- want a macbook.
- wish i didn't say i was going to work friday night.
- want to eat the apple that is in my refridgerator.
- am smiling about something i shouldn't be.
- should start my homework that is due tomorrow
- am super happy that my manchester/kevin tickets arrived
- butcher songs by other people regularly

- should be on my way to work already, or at least be getting ready.

something that i'm giving

regardless of me totally giving up completing my assignment that had more than two weeks to do, i actually had a really good night on a bunch of different levels.

and i think i have listened to that damn ingrid michaelson song another 10 times since i last was here. minus the lyrics, i think it is the whole singing in the round thing at the end & harmonies between ingrid, allie & bess that makes me die a little inside (and i mean death in the best possible way)

they make me want to take vocal lessons.

the wind talks back

today went really fast. i was helping out and teaching all day in a 2nd grade classroom. i think it is my last day in that room. i did enjoy them, but i am happy to be able to get back to my kids and my room. it is so different. i think i definitely transforming into a 3-5th grade teacher. i don't think that i can handle the younger ones. but then again, i'll take whatever job someone offers me once i am done getting my degree.

a new Now Playing song:
My room seems wrong.
The bed wont fit.
I can not seem to operate
and you my love are gone.

So glide away on soapy heels and
promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again then
i will take the chain from off the door.

i have listened to this song more times than i care to admit in the last 36 hours. i am totally in love with it.

i have so much work to do, and i have no desire to do any of it.

the other side of this

[Now Watching]VH1 - Rock of Love: Charm School

tonight i felt lonely.

but tomorrow is monday, so everything starts again. hopefully that means i will be wayy too busy to stay lonely.



i didn't go food shopping today. i really don't want another pb&j for lunch. hopefully i wake up early enough to figure something else out...but i doubt i will.

always feel this tall

[Now Watching] Nancy Grace (she is nuts, such a riot to watch)

today was a full day. quite busy but at the same time, not at all.

i had work this morning. had to be at the store at the bright & early time of 8am. it wasn't swamped, but it wasn't dead. so i was keeping busy & the day actually flew by pretty quickly.

i was supposed to go to my cousin's first birthday party, but i had to babysit tonight since i went to the city last night. kind of bummed, but i stop by there all the time. plus she just turned one. she has no idea i wasn't there.

babysitting was good too. they watched star wars. i napped. i know it is hard work but someone has to do it.

when i came home, i finally ordered my tickets to manchester & kevin for the december shows in philly and hoboken. i was worried that they were going to sell out, thankfully that was not true.

& i also felt good about myself today all day today (even when i expected not to). that is a plus as well.



oh and last night was fucking phenomenal (more pics here)


(Moneen is a band you don't need prior knowledge to enjoy)


(kevin was entirely electric & let me see that i'm going to love the new record)


(saves was so good. i'm sad i waited this long to finally see them live)

the night ended with a perez hilton sighting & baked goods.
sometimes life isn't as bad as it normally turns out to be

while the night is still ahead

life has seemed more busy in the past week or so than it has in a long time. but i really can't figure out where all the time has gone.

i just found $6.
i am super broke, so i am super excited about that.

i just realized that i don't know where my ticket is for kevin & saves friday night. i should probably look for that, right?

dancing in the dark

i was thinking i could have bought them by now, but i am hoping that philly & hoboken don't sell out by friday morning when my direct deposit goes through.

i don't think anyone reads this thing here, but if you are - please cross your fingers for me that they aren't too close to being gone for good.

it's too late to flee

[Now Playing] Margot & The Nuclear So and So's - As Tall As Cliffs


it has been quite a day.

+ woke up on time this morning
- on time was 6:30am
- took my first teaching exam of the day
+ finished in less than 2hrs and it wasn't too bad
+ went to looney tunes and picked up some albums*
- had to be back at old westbury for test number two
- had the worst essay question ever
+ got coffee
- but they were out of boston cremes
+ came home to my blue vinyl (!!)
+ also got a check from queens for $15
+ had a (ice cream) drumstick & listened to blacktop memories

i don't know what else could go on.
it is not even 6pm, but it has been a long day



alright. here are some further explainations i would like to make...

* so went to looney tunes. i haven't been there since before it burnt down. it is much nicer now. i went with a purpose...to get the new manchester ep. i got it and it is so lovely. anything in a digipak is always better, but i can't wait to watch the ep. (it has videos from knitting factory? that was such a good night) i also picked up this weezer ep that i thought was super limited from 2002, but apparently they still have. i was looking through their vinyls b/c i was hoping that they had the new margot. i would rather get it there than order it. i have to go back though. there was so much that i wanted. but i should totally wait until i am done with school. plus i just like to collect the vinyl & really don't play it.

like homework on sundays

[Now Playing] Leona Naess - On My Mind

i have been like an absentee landlord around this place. but i do think of it often. i have just been super busy & when i get home i am not thinking about typing in this white box blogger provides. i didn't even see my mother for 2.5 days...i just heard her screaming from downstairs telling me to get up.

i have two teaching certification exams tomorrow, i don't want to take them. but i have put them off long enough.

i have gotten a little better but relapse every now & again. but as a whole i kind of feel alright about myself. which is good b/c i haven't felt that way in a long while.


...oh, that lesson plan i was bitching about? i did swimmingly & got another A.

sick of trying to be tough

i still haven't started my lesson plan.

all i want to do right now is crawl under my covers and cry.

oh homework, i hate you

i should have had my lesson plan all typed up already. i do not want to be up all night completing it.

but really, i have more desire to go get some coffee and a donut than doing anything resembling work or even studying for my teaching exams that i have on saturday.

oh well.

i fought the law

[Now Playing] a CNN report on crazy sarah palin

yeah, i am going to have to wait on the whole playstation thing...that is until i see if i get a ticket from the city of long beach for running a red light. i mean i am going to fight it, but i'm probably going to have to pay something. i just don't know when and how much.

boo to life.

what have i done

all i wanted to do tonight into tomorrow was watch my 30 rock dvds

but i am giving in and saying my dvd player broke. i'm not really sure why this happened. all i am sure of is that i think i want to get a playstartion 2 so i can get guitar hero too. i think it is a good idea. i mean i get a discount at game stop so i might as well put it to good use.

then again i am so broke, i don't know how possible that is.

cause i don't want to charge anything & be more in debt.

wont you let me let you let go

[Now Playing] Koufax (i don't know what song, i'm just letting the cd play)

looking at the calendar and counting days made me realize how pathetic of a human being i am.

i have a negative amount of money, seriously, but i am determined to go out this weekend. i have brief ideas for friday & sunday nights, but at least a meal with helen seems very likely for monday.

i am going out to lunch later with my mom & the athletic trainer from my high school year. i'm super excited. i haven't seen kristen in years. it should be a good time as long as my mom doesn't expect me to pay.

i try so hard not to care

i feel sad tonight.

i may need a little push

* watching the presidential debate. i should be doing homework. but i really don't want to. but i have to. boo.

* i ordered 30 rock last month ship to home. i was hoping to get it by today. i was hoping for tina fey in a little brown box. it wasn't here when i got home. so i called customer service earlier to check on my order. when i called i felt like i was clocked in and was talking like it was something i was taking care of for work. it was scary.

* today was a good day at student teaching. but i am so ready to be done and to be working full time. i love what i am doing but i need the money so terribly. having a negative bank balance isn't really what helps me wake up each morning.

* i just realized all the stuff i need for homework is in the car. damn me.

a meeting of minds

no katharine, no.

your life is still switched on

"Don't be a pussy. Commit."

when i was driving home today, there was some guy on the road with his directional on. i wasn't sure if it was left on by accident or it was because he was trying to change lanes. then i saw him start to drift from the lane we were in into the next one. you could then tell that he wasn't sure about if it was ok to do so, so he switched back into our lane. i think eventually he made it over to where he wanted to be. but out loud, all i could say was the above statement.

and then i kind of started to drift my thoughts to myself. i want to change myself. but i feel like at this point in my life it is hard. i am busy with school and work but other than that my life is pretty empty. and i don't have the time to actively try and fill it. i am really looking forward to graduating. not only to be done with school, but to have my life open up. i feel really overwhelmed with my life as is. i'm packed full of things to do but in a way so not motivated to do any of them. i want to be done so my life can feel real...because right now i feel like a fake version of myself.

you and onions make me cry

[Now Playing] Meiko's Daytrotter Sessions

i'm about to go to bed

and i think till the exact moment i pass out i am going to have to try & convince myself not to cry. because with the exception of a watery eyes late wednesday night, i haven't cried in a long time.

and i really want to keep it that way

humming all the notes you heard

it feels like a sunday but it isn't.

i spent my day today watching tv on the internet. i tried to watch more of the office & some 30 rock. but i failed. however i got a chance to watch sarah palin being ridiculous with katie couric. and then saw tina fey on last week's snl making fun of her yet again. it was great. tina fey is my favorite funny lady.




& i feel like i made no progress at all today.
i felt kind of lonely. but that is nothing new
daydreamed way too much for my own good



i've been listening to a lot of music today...not that is something abnormal. but today it was all about new music. i got the leona naess back catalogue which was exciting since her middle two albums aren't available to order at work. i also got inara george's record which is what i have been listening to most of the day. i heard her doing guest vocals on an instore play cd at the store. i looked it up and it sounded nice. so after listening to the whole thing, it is delightful.


Inara George - An Invitation
take a listen and i know you'll love it too


however, if you don't want to download it without getting a little bit of a listen, a song off the cd is my current 'Now Playing' song - Don't Let It Get You. so - listen, realize you like it, and then get the whole thing.

yes? yes. good.

rows of big dark clouds

sometimes when i reflect
i just think i am just getting what i deserve.

who knows...

we all die a little each day

september is over in a a bunch of minutes. i'm kind of happy to have october start. not for any real reason. maybe this month will be a good one. i doubt it, but it could happen.


on the way home from work, i just wanted to curl into bed. i wanted to magically be home in my pjs and be comfy under the covers. i also really wanted a stuffed animal. i was never a cuddle with a nylon stuffed creature type person. but that was all that i could focus on this afternoon. i took my carebear off the top of my dashboard and hugged it. i felt not better, but calm. i would have closed my eyes to enjoy it more, but i probably would have died.

but really, it felt nice to hold & hug my silly little carebear. when i got into my driveway, i gave it a little kiss on the head and put it back where it has sat undisturbed for the last year or two.


(taken on the bqe during the drive to philly last week)

i have a feeling it might be put to work a whole bunch more in the future.

this is not a test

[Now Watching] The Office - Season 4 Disc 1

i feel like crap.

but laura is going to be home sometime after nightfall
which means that all will be much better in the world

i've lost what i've loved

[Now Playing] Wild Sweet Orange - Ten Dead Dogs

a bit ago i set it up so that this will feed directly to my facebook. it finally started showing up and i am currently taking a break from deleting all the post from here that currently turned into notes there.

but that made me look back at the things i have written about over the last couple months. and it made me even more sad about myself. today was a goodish day. i had work...which normally keeps my head busy. however there was a moment there near the end when all i wanted to do was just go home and was convinced that once i got there i was going to just lay in bed and cry

i forgot about that moment until now.

and now that i have it in my head, i feel stupid. starting now, i am actively going to try to fix what has been wrong with me the last couple weeks. part of me is a total mess. but the rest of me feels like every second of my current series of miserable moments is helping me. i want to get better. i want to feel secure in myself. but i have feared for so long that i will never get to that place. i guess i know myself so well that i am never going to be ok. maybe i need to just find a way to be ok with never going to be ok. i don't know. but i do know that i can't be where i am right now for any longer. cause if i do stay this way, it is going to be the end of me.

just the cast changes nightly

i am so antsy right now
which is making me totally antsy in my pantsy.

i feel like i have ADHD & i am hoping that typing this will calm me down either because my fingers can fidget in a productive way or because it will get some thoughts out. however i really don't have any thoughts. it is just my fingers that are all wired.

so they are just going to tap and tap and tap the table

powered by the hopeful lie

[Now Playing] Aimee Mann - Calling It Quits

last week, i overslept monday through friday. and once again i overslept again this morning. i woke up to the oh too frequent - katharine, it's almost 7 o'clock. which is followed by the oh so frequent response - aw, fuck me.

i was hoping to get to bed early tonight and by early i was thinking before 11:30, but that really seems impossible at this point. most likely this is b/c i napped for the greater part of the evening already. i didn't plan it. i just had some pizza and passed out. i was hoping to save up my tiredness until the sun actually went down.

instead, i've just been tossing & turning in bed and trying not to cry.

yay to my life?

this isn't something i would do

i quit the carnival and moved next door
thought i'd had enough but i wanted more
so now i'm sneaking out at night
i clean my face and shine my shoes
and go where i'm not supposed to

new song on the side bar.

wish i had the version from bowery the other night, but this one will have to do in the meantime.

the only thing that's keeping me alive

i overslept every morning this week, be it for student teaching or for class. i mean, really if i was going to do it 4 days in a row...why not go all the way and wake up late for class too. it isn't like i missed anything.

oh. and i was going to post something here about how i hate my life (shocker, i know) but since i logged onto mnyspace first, i saw that bayside has their whole new album streaming up on their myspace. it sounds amazing. i can't wait to actually have it in my hands. also they have a live record coming out as well. if it is on sale for cheap on 9/30 along with the studio album, it shall be mine too




listen to it and enjoy it tons
http://www.myspace.com/bayside

tell it like you still believe

in the 20 min home tonight, i listened to the beginning of damien rice's O, which killed me. and then when i came i took my guitar and played as much of the record as i could realistically accomplish, which made me murder myself.

i wish i could play this record like he does and be able to make it my own.

tonight 'delicate' took on new meaning
tonight i realized that it is/i am useless

it's times like these i was into drinking heavily
cheers darlin'...

through being cool

minus me oversleeping (again), not being able to get breakfast & missing patty griffin at central park, today was the first good day i have had in a long time.

- had my first observation at student teaching and it went very well

- i got a boston creme donut on the way home

- i came home and there was a b&n package sitting on my table for me(which meant that my baby mama dvd arrived)

- slept a whole bunch when i came home, i think i am going to get more sleep today and tonight than i have gotten in a while

- digital versions of some bayside records are in my possession. i think i might order the new ones when i get to work (or maybe i'll wait and buy them for cheaper at best buy the week they come out)

- i haven't cried once, nor have a felt the need to.



i am still debating going to see straylight run at maxwell's on sunday. i think there are still tickets and if i leave right after work i can totally make it, but i have teaching in the morning and i know i need my rest.

but i am going to definitely buy tickets tomorrow for kevin/saves the day at highline ballroom!! the cmj festival always brings joy into my life somehow

i am not permanent

i know.
it doesn't really matter anymore
but then again it is all that does.



the only thing i'm looking forward to is 9/24
a night in philly with becca seeing kevin


it is a chunk of time in my life
i know will always make me happy

I am a visitor here

even my ear makes me sad/mad.

i am going to go to bed before i hate myself even more



but work today made me happy, even if i was there for a long ass 10 hour shift. the icing on the cake was that i placed a nice sized tina fey ship-to-home order (baby mama & 30 rock season two).

right now i am listening to a recording i did of me playing volcano by damien rice on guitar. every now & again i record stuff. not many people have heard them. if you have, it is because i really like you or i want to impress you in someway (or both). anywho, this one i really like. it is really rough, yet it makes me think that i might actually have some sort of talent. i don't, but it makes me think it anyway.

oh! & tomorrow i need to buy new shoes for work/teaching. don't let me forget?

i didn't sign up for this kid shit

it has been days.

reasons?

well i haven't been in the mood for too much. my days have been so filled with teaching and work. i've overslept twice since i have been here last. also crying your eyes out all the time does eventually take it's toll. i haven't been this emotional in a long time and i am not used to it. not that anyone should be. i think that i have cried at some point every day since monday.

i could blame it on so many things, but really it falls on myself. i do, think, read, touch, feel things that make me upset. my whole life has been that way. i run away from things, but at the same time i forcably keep myself connected to them. why? who knows. all that i do know is that i hate myself for being that way and i hate myself when i am that way.



lately i have been really interested in clouds. maybe it has been the shitfest my life has become. but there is something about them that really is pulling me in. in the car, i have been looking at the sky more than i have the road. friday of last week, the day before the big ol' tropical storm came, the clouds were amazing. when i was driving to the train station, i was totally blown away by what i saw. the speed the clouds were moving was faster than i have ever noticed them to be. i was riding on the train as the sun was starting to go down. i took so many pictures of the sun peaking out. part of me wanted to get off every stop so i could just stare up. the layers of clouds were baffling.

i took some pictures, but they didn't even come close to capturing what i was looking at:







it's the weekend so i have to work a whole bunch, but i do have hours free. which is good for my sleep cycle, but bad when it comes to distracting me from everything else.

room enough for two

it's 2:44am.
i still am up & haven't done my school work.



i did how ever cry my eyes out again & enjoy some carole king.

i learned somethings about her too.
thanks pbs.

what little we possess

[Now Playing] Matt Pryor - Hover Near Fame (Live at Bowery Ballroom)

i should be asleep. but i'm not. i should have done my homework that is due tomorrow. but i haven't. there are so many things that should be done. but i've not been doing any of them.


i realized today how much of a shitty friend i have been to someone. she knows who she is because she pretty much told me the other day i was being an asshole. i was an asshole out convenience. i tend to run away from things, avoid things when i don't want to deal. and if you live almost 800 miles away, i'll be able to shut you out pretty fucking easily.

to be honest, i started talking to her again because i was told i was an asshole and i didn't want to be called one. however today we were on the phone for an hour & a half (at least that is what my phone timer told me) . within that 90 minutes, she listened to me. she didn't have to. i was crying and all pathetic. if i was her, i wouldn't have listened to i was saying or been nice to me. she did both things.

and then at the end of the conversation, she made me laugh. the way i was feeling was really terrible. and with the tears streaming down my face and the snot that formed, she made me bounce back from it. that really takes someone amazing to do so.


even though i have been a fucking emotional miserable person the last bunch of weeks, i am glad i have my friend back.

they really didn't want us around

oh and i talk way too much
shut up katharine, shut up

place at the end of the line

my head is kind of messy this evening



and it doesn't help that 'i love money' isn't on because of the damn mtv music video awards. way to make my life miserable, vh1!

oh what a joy

the show at the bowery was good. there were a bunch of guests which was nice. but i do miss kevin's solo shows. hopefully he will get to play one around here soon. ::crosses fingers:: when i get home from work later i am going to have to look at all the pictures that i took & make them all pretty looking for the world to see.

life right now is busy and confusing and odd. there are some parts where i really don't know what is going on. last night when i got home i fell asleep and started this weird sleep pattern that followed through to the end of the night. and then i had a dream before i woke up the last time that i don't even really know how to process.

but i don't have the time to try right now. i have to get ready for work and then actually go soon. even with all the sleep that i got, i still want to go back to bed.

it's only your life

[Now Playing] Colour Revolt - Daytrotter Sessions

kevin devine & matt pryor tonight at bowery ballroom
i haven't seen kevin in months, nor have i seen jess & bex.

it is going to be an exciting night

except that i have work at 8am
& that a tropical storm's probably
ruining my saturday night plans

comtempt leads to the present

sometimes i feel i can't make any progress.

but then sometimes the things that are shitty
aren't really important compared to other things.

practice, take two....

[Now Playing] Patty Griffin - I Write The Book

"It's going to be really hot. Be prepared to sweat under your boobs."

while i miss kelly tons and was totally spoiled last year, i think my co-operating teacher and i are going to get along well this semester.




i paid a credit card bill over the interweb monday morning. citicards say it went through, but it still hasn't shown up on my bank account. then again the parking check i wrote hasn't gone through either. maybe i'll wait a couple days before i freak out.

it don't feel like the truth

[Now Playing] Patty Griffin - Truth #1

last night wasn't fun for my brain.

today, i have had a headache since i left work.


my neck hurts, my body aches and so does my head. i think i am getting sick. i hope i feel better by tomorrow morning in time for student teaching.

all the birds fly south

i can search the internet all i want...

but i'm still here
i'm still pathetic
and i'm still alone



i'm going to get my ipod out of my car, put
on some music & try to sleep my life away

tired of wasting time

[Now Playing] Manchester Orchestra - How I Waited

i feel really drained so far this evening

work was alright. but driving home today, i felt myself fading out a whole lot. i would just stare. sometimes thinking, sometimes not. and even at home, i've been pretty out of it. i feel like when my mind doesn't have anything to do, it just becomes this big messy mush.

i think i am going to watch tv and try to stop myself from the tears i can feel building up behind my eyes

retail doesn't count

labor day weekend has begun.

"Labor Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September. The holiday originated in 1882 as the Central Labor Union (of New York City) sought to create 'a day off for the working citizens'." (from wikipedia.org)

i'll be at the store eight hours a day for my entire three day weekend. but that's ok i guess. it gives me less time to hopelessly hopeless. and i'm finally doing some laundry. i was putting it off until i realized that if i didn't do at least one shirt, i would have nothing to wear to work tomorrow. and i don't think anyone there wants to see me naked. then again i don't want to be naked with anyone i work with...well at least no one from the music dept. ;o)



oh. i posted a garfield comic above. it is from this website called Garfield Without Garfield. it is a pretty neat concept. the guy who runs it, edits out garfield in all the comics so all you get is jon arbuckle. some of them are funny. others are just sad. i like them. the one above was the only one that i felt i could put there without being to obviously stupid/pathetic. maybe i'll change them up every now and again. but for now, this one is a keeper.

spoils of the spoiled

student teaching today went well. my teacher seems super nice & i think that we'll get along splendidly.

i just got myself the Mad Men soundtrack. i haven't seen the show, but the music from that period is just delightful. and anything with ella fitzgerald on it wins in my book. check it. i think i might make a copy and see if eric will let me play it in the store. i hope so.

i have class at 9:30, but i have to go get my parking permit & then get the forms for insurance. i don't have all the money for it. where is universal health care when my bank account needs it?






i don't think i like myself anymore.

i before e, except after c

i'm a creature of habit.


from the trivial...
i have had my current cell phone for over a year now...
and i still press the wrong buttons for certain features because those where the ones that i used on my old one

to the just plain fucked up
i know what will break my heart everytime...
and i still walk, talk, think, breathe in the direction that will make my heart crack even more



it is almost midnight. i'm not tired. i start student teaching again tomorrow. no matter how good my new hair looks, if i oversleep - i am fucked. plus i have to wake up even earlier than i need to b/c i have to actually make my lunch. oh real life...i don't adore you.

temporary fix

i'm home.


it was nice to see all my family but i had much less distractions than i need in my life. take away the family things, all i did this weekend was read 'watchmen' and listen to basically five albums. i don't know why, but i restricted myself to adele - 19, archer's of loaf - icky mettle, death cab for cutie - narrow stairs & all songs i have by gregory and the hawk (on the way home, i put on pablo, b/c staten island inspired me? and i haven't really listened to them in a long time)

i listened to the adele record the most. there are a couple songs on it that i totally fell in love with this weekend. granted, it is for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. one of those songs is "best for last." it is my new "Now Playing" song on the side of my page. enjoy.


so summer ends & real life officially begins on thursday. i start student teaching again bright & early on thursday. friday i have class and write out a check for $655 to pay for health insurance. joy. but other than the lack of money in my life, i am happy for my life to be busy again. my mind has never been ok when i have enough time to think about all the reasons for me to be unhappy. lately, more of them have been coming to life/resurfacing. hopefully four busy months spent in elementary school will keep my mind somewhat on track.

also tina is home from los angeles for a bit. she is going away with her family at the end of the week but then she stays home again for while before going back to the west coast. after that, laura comes home from oxford for good. it will be nice to have friends that live 5 minutes away from me again.

four lane highways

[Now Playing] Kevin Devine - Love me, I'm a Liberal

it is 245 am.
and i'm (not surprisingly) awake.

tomorrow is basically - laundry, gathering supplies, work till closing. then at ~5am on thursday, i'll be on my way to virgina. i won't be back until sometime sunday. it will be nice to see my family, but i'm not too thrilled about the the 8hrs worth of driving between my house & midlothian, va.

they all moved down there. but i think they should move back up.

why bother

sometimes, life makes me tired.

clare's gathering was groovy. got home late & had work at 9am. i didn't do much, but it went well. family came over for pizza & birthday cake.


i'm going to lay in bed & watch empire records. usually it is pretty pointless, but i might as well try to sleep. student teaching meeting tomorrow at 10am. joy.

at least i am going to see some people i enjoy.

blue moon

the moon is beautiful tonight.

last semester i was supposed to record the moon daily. i never did but i always looked at it. the habit of looking for the moon stuck. so tonight when i pulled into my driveway at about midnight, as i got out of the car - i looked up. it was beautiful. it lit up the whole sky. my dumb sister didn't leave the outside light on for me, but because of the moon, it wasn't an issue (even though i did walk through a spiderweb.)

i wanted to capture it, be able to share what i saw. i could have gotten my camera from the car, but it wouldn't do it justice. i do have crayons in my car, but crayola could never compare. then i thought how someone with the right vocabulary should be able to transfer what i saw to someone else. i don't have that way with words.

i have friends who can write a song, poem, even a blog, and portray something so vividly. i am a 25 year old that is only capable of bad teenage poetry and blogs about wondering how i hug. it seems that i am able to feel things sharply but resort to 3rd grade conversation to get them out.

but 3rd grade wordplay is better than nothing, no?

damn that smile

another year older, not another year wiser.

it ain't just a river in egypt

i was just thinking the other day how i haven't cried in a long while.

but here i am...eyes all watery.

i have a feeling that before i fall asleep, the crying will begin again.

happy early birthday to me.

whatever & ever

[Now Playing] Colour Revolt - Innocent and All

i'm feeling lonely.

maybe it's because of the whole birthday thing. i don't really know. but from the moment i woke up, i have just felt drained. today is one of those days where i just want to drive & drive. i don't really want to be alone, but i am (as usual). so i actually think that this evening i am going to go out & drive. i'm not too sure where i'm going to go. all i know is that i have to be at work at 10am tomorrow. but hopefully my travels won't take me out that late. it probably isn't too good for me to be roaming around long island in the dead of a wednesday night.

whatever.

Go shorty

my birthday is on friday.

i don't have anything going on. it just isn't working out to be anything eventful. i might go get food the night before or the day after, but that is it. & even those plans are iffy. i'm even babysitting on my birthday. people have been telling me that i should be doing anything. this year i really don't care too much. sometimes when you care about something and it doesn't work out, you get let down. everyone is working different times and no one can get together all at once. even my family isn't celebrating on firday. in the end, i think i might just sleep late & treat myself to some chinese food.

so really - it will be like a normal friday off

and everything after

yes. august is shaping up to be a good month.

timing is everything?

"trust your intuition, the universe is guiding your life"

that is the fortune from the chinese food i had for lunch today

i've been thinking a whole bunch about my intuition lately. i'm not going to trust it when i'm not exactly sure what it is even trying to tell me. it has been taking me for a gnarly roller coaster ride lately.

i've got love in my tummy

[Now Playing] Sarah McLachlan - Mary (i'm bringing this album back into my life, which is good b/c it deserves to be there. and if you don't know it, pick it up & fall in love)

i like food. you could say that i am a fan.

i'm all about baked goods. getting chinese food makes my day bright and lovely. when i go to jersey to see my friends, trips are centered around it. wawa, diners, gravy. the excitement that we have over mac&cheese isn't probably too healthy, but that is fine with me.

i mean, i'm not gonna front, i'm a big girl. i'm not happy with my weight, but i have been bigger so i can't complain. i think at my heaviest i was 216 (or at least that is the most i have seen on a scale). i am comfortable enough with myself now that i don't get depressed over it on a regular basis. i have my moments when i use that as my fall back reason, but we all have our own personal excuses for ourselves.

this is being brought up b/c i had to bring my car to the mechanic this morning & had to get up super early for a day that i didn't have to work (7:30am is annoying after not sleeping until after 3:30am). i was planning on getting an egg sandwich and a half&half [half iced tea/half lemonade] at the deli. after it coming up in conversation, i changed my mind on the drive & got dunkin donuts. as the woman was ringing me up, she goes to me "you have lost a lot of weight."

while it is a good ting for someone to tell you, i always have had a hard time responding to that comment. i have really never actively tried to lose weight. i mean i change a thing or two here & there in my diet, but nothing major. when i lost all that weight a couple years ago, i cut out soda & tried not to eat as much bread. i wasn't active beyond my normal nonactive self. but with little changes, i lost almost 60 pounds. and i really never notice when i am losing weight. it is one of those things that all of a sudden you notice that something does/doesn't fit.

anywho, i responded in my normal - "oh really? i didn't notice." i know i have been eating differently lately. i eat when i am home & bored. but i have been working a whole bunch lately and have had a bit of a social life, which keeps me distracted from eating more than i know i should. the woman responded saying that i indeed had & that i looked good.

then she handed me my coffee, my chocolate glazed & my boston creme...which i inhaled when i got home.

maybe the jokes on me

[Now Playing] Gregory and the Hawk - Boats & Birds

life is funny sometimes.

i feel like i am making huge strides
& then i feel like i'm trying too hard



i kind of want to sleep just to be
able to wake up fresh tomorrow.

i'd rather be wandering

[Now Playing] REM - Moral Kiosk

sometimes i wonder about things...

i wonder when i will be able to fully support myself
i wonder how good the new straylight run record might be
i wonder why people actually like me & are my friends
i wonder what i am going to do when my ipod runs out of room
i wonder if i'll ever not be single anytime in the future
i wonder what i could accomplish with a non-shitty camera
i wonder if i'll ever stop being a sucker for all the things i should avoid
i wonder what it's like to be in a band & have music be my job
i wonder if i'm a failure or just have yet to succeed
i wonder if i give good hugs

the 8th month of the year

today was a good day.
it was long, but a good one.
it is actually still going quite well

my last entry wasn't too positive,
but i am think august might be a good month.

except that "going back to school" part that happens at the end.

that isn't very good.

oh the places you'll [never] go

there are times when i am in my car and i just want to drive & keep driving.

[imagine the whole two big paragraphs of words that were here before i came back and deleted them]

i'm going to be 25 in two weeks and i feel like i'm nowhere. and not that someone needs to be 100% by my age, but i am just tired of who i'm not.

i feel like there is something in me that is screaming to get out. but the older that i get the more i think that it isn't ever going to.

Light , Breathable

[Now Playing] Patti Smith & Kevin Shields - The Coral Sea (Disc 1)

so it's 2:30am.

last night i didn't get to sleep until after 6:30am. this whole closing thing really isn't working out for me. last semester, it was basically all that i did. but it was really all because of my class schedule. but starting mid-may, i was an opener...or at least i was at work by noon. it was annoying at first, but i began to like it.

lately i have been closing and i don't like it. ever since i can remember, nights haven't been good to me. when i was a senior in high school, my health teacher got me a christmas present. it was a journal. i filled it within two months. i wrote a journal full of bad high school poetry in that span of time. every single entry was written after the sun went down. my thoughts would keep me up, so i put the thoughts down.

i don't write nearly as much anymore. the last thing that i wrote was weeks ago. the last thing that wasn't total shit, i wrote in june of '07. but when i used to write with any consistency, i kept the book under my pillow. it was a really shitty place to keep something like that. that wasn't really a private place. but that was a convenient place. i would lay down and while i was getting comfy, i would place a hand under my pillow. feeling the book would make me think - i should write. and i did. again, all that came out was totally displaced teen discomfort.

even now, i'm a hack. i don't think it does anything for me besides having me capture the shit in my head. it doesn't make it go away. it doesn't help me work it out. i'm a completely private person when it comes to what i really feel. even this, i'm typing out my thoughts. but it really isn't anything. nothing is clear. all the outside person knows is that i used to write. i'm the queen of the cryptic. to get something out of me is hard. i've been cornered before. literally. actually by that same health teacher mentioned above (which leads into stories i don't have the energy for this late at night)

i don't know where this was heading, nor am i too sure where it is now. i guess maybe that is part why i don't talk. i lose track of myself. i am a rambler. i talk & talk to try and work through and explain everything i just said. and then i ramble even more to explain away my explanations. that brings it all back to over thinking.

and i don't know, but i just got too tired to write anything else. i don't know if it is me, what i have been talking about or just listening to patti smith's spoken word. either way, i'm going to stop.

The sky is getter lighter

did you know that the steve harvey show is on at 4:39 on sunday mornings?



well now you do.

despite certain crazy memories that are linked to this television program, i really do like this show. it doesn't air at the most convenient times (obviously) but when i do watch it, it is super comical.

Again? No way...

i just pulled into the parking lot for work and that damn Sarah Harmer song came on again. i fucking don't get it. i think my iPod is trying to ruin my life. but still, i listened to it all and sang along the whole time.

tomorrow i will be seeing the lovely leslie feist. actually let me restate that. if i can go to sleep soon, then wake up at 4am & get a cab in time to get me to the 5:08 train - i will be going to bryant park to see feist perform on good morning america.



helen couldn't go & it is super last minute, so i will be going by myself. i'm kind of bummed about it but it will be ok. i do so much by myself and as long as my ipod lasts the whole day - i'll be fine. plus i am bringing twilight. perhaps i'll be able to get father into it & perhaps understand the hype.

i woke up at 4:25am. i get dressed and am already to call a cab to pick me up.

then i decide not to go & get right back in my pjs

i really want to see feist, that is no question. but in the end should i really going to be spending a whole bunch of cash to just see her play 2-3 songs. normally i don't think this would bug me. but as i saw the clock tick by, i put less & less action into going. it is better for me to be home and not go crazy. saving is a good thing. or really it is just putting off spending it on something else.

speaking of which, i should probably pay some bills. boo. bills are not as fun as listening to music.

alright. you practice counting. i'm going to bed,

Out in the Hideout

i worked until closing tonight. i haven't really done that in a long while. on the way home, i noticed my ipod had just a little juice left in it so i put it on shuffle and let it guide me. a couple songs in, it gave me Sarah Harmer's "You Were Here"

i have been a fan of her's since junior year of high school. i finally got to see her live at the canal room two years ago. this song has basically made me a hot mess the second it comes on since 2000. i played it over & over. i sang at the top of my lungs. every note was felt in my bones. every note made me want to just die. but i still every note. i am a total masochist.

i create more problems than the world creates for me. is it still all that over thinking? i mean, i'd like to think i like myself. but sometimes i think i hate myself. i put myself into situations that i can't logically figure out. listening to songs that make me feel the way that this one does, isn't right. it makes me think of mistakes and all my foolish ideas.

i don't know. sometimes i just feel like i don't get even close to everything that i deserve to get. i mean i am i really that hideous & unlikeable?

What We Have Done

today was an interesting day. it was good and at the same time it made me feel uneasy. at this point in my life there are two things that get me depressed: drinking and over thinking. it is easy to avoid drinking. usually if i have more than one drink, i get really sad. if i don't get sad, i feel good and then sick. but most of the time it just makes me sad.

over thinking isn't as easy to avoid. i can't tell myself i have to drive, so i can't over think. nor can i tell myself that by over thinking, there is no way i can afford health insurance in the fall. i can over think at the drop of a hat. i did that today. there was no reason to do so either. maybe that is why they call it over thinking, b/c you do way more than you need to. i wish they had over thinking anonymous. or maybe that is just called therapy (which probably doesn't come with the crappy health insurance i am trying to afford)

i wish i was back in middle school sometimes. that is a weird comment for a girl a month shy of 25, but it is true sometimes. i was rather fearless. i didn't think that i was going to be rejected (even though i often was) and i wasn't afraid of fighting back (or specifically pushing someone down and kicking them against a locker...). but now i am not so gungho about things. not that i wouldn't fight for things, but i am more consious about things and how people think about me. i don't do certain things not b/c i am not into doing them, but i am concerned about other people and the reactions that will follow.

i know that that is no way to live. trust me. there are so many people that i envy that are more free and open than i am. i hope that i can one day be that way. but i know that that isn't going to be anytime soon. i once told my only friend of mine that i was taking babysteps. while i am pretty sure that i'm not taking them in the wrong direction, i'm also thinking that they aren't exactly in the right direction either.




while today was interesting, sunday was fantastic.

i had work all day, but then i went to rockwood to see jessi's show. i have been jessi's friend for a while & seen her play for longer and still, everytime i see her perform it blows me away. i guess i forget what kind of voice can come out of her. and sunday night was no exception. it was her cd release show and i was super excited. jessi played with a full band, which i have never seen before. she was amazing and i was just really in awe of what she can accomplish.


i got some pictures and a couple videos.





seriously, check out her stuff. & if you like it, pick up a cd or tell me & i'll get one for you.

Who we are

late saturday night (or come could call it early sunday morning) i started to type something up that i no longer am in the mood to finish. i am going to save it and finish it sometime that is hopefully soon (or actually not b/c i think blogger didn't save the draft).

i kind of have a bunch to say b/c i guess a bunch of stuff has happened...or actually not too much has happened, but i feel like i have a bunch to put into words. i have to pee & am tired so i am going to lay down. tomorrow i have to go to the library & then i am going to put something meaty up here...not that anyone really knows this exists yet.

one point i need to touch upon is that when my sister blew a fuse yesterday, she fucked up my VCR which is what i used to hook up my dvd player to my tv. so right now i am without having law&order: svu episodes on call.

Special Victims Unit

what have i been doing for most of my week? no not working or doing much needed cleaning. i have been watching law & order: svu.



i am on the last episode of disc 3 of season 4 right now. i am probably going to buy season 5 this week. season 6 came out a couple months ago & season 7 comes out on july 29th. it isn't like i haven't seen every single episode or anything. nor does it matter that they do air about 2-4 episodes a day on USA/NBC.

but i don't think that is going to stop me...it's just so good

Flaming Tantrum of Blogging

[Now Playing] The Jealous Girlfriends - Secret Identity (Daytrotter Session)

dinner yesterday was good
- cause jack daniels chicken never disappoints
hana's birthday party was splendid
- except that my feet are covered in bug bites


today i really didn't do much. i find that i am trying to not fill the days that i have off with too much. in a month and a half i am going to be so overbooked that i am going to praise every religous being when there is a day that i can sleep in or go to bed early.

but i did go into the city to see ms. laurie notaro. i was planning on going in really early and walking around. but it was warm & i am lazy. so i took a late train with all the people going to see billy joel at shea (which resulted in a free ride. thanks mta!) i went much later than i thought i was going to go, but i got to the b&n nice & early. i walked around the store a bit. i felt so lost in there - it is i believe 5 floors. even the music dept confused me. i did some little maintence every now and again until my mind reminded me that i don't work at that b&n.

at a little after 7:30 the reading started. she is insanely funny. i hope she writes another book soon so she can come back and i can listen to her talk some more.




tomorrow i get to sleep late b/c i am working 4 to close. maybe i'll catch up on all the laurie notaro books that i haven't read so i can read the new one.

Home Life

for the next three weeks, friends of mine are going on a little tour of the west coast. i want to go. and was hoping that with my non-camp employment i could go, but there is no way i can afford a trip like that. i can barely afford living at home.

but i do have some fun things coming up which include a whole lot of hours at the store (i'm even working five days one of the weeks...yay?) tonight dinner & maybe a birthday party. tomorrow a book signing. and saturday, it is jessi's cd release show at rockwood. i'm so excited for her, i know this has been a long time coming.



i'm going to make sure i have an empty memory card by then so i can record the whole thing. i can't wait to hear the new stuff live & with a full band. ::excited&happy dance::

Flavor of the Weak

i have become a rather independent person.

ever since i moved back home from stony brook, i have had to do things on my own. i live someplace where i really don't have any friends (except when tina doesn't live in california and when laura doesn't live in england). blame it on no one coming home after college. blame it on going to commuter school. blame it on her. regardless, it is a fact. and honestly, it isn't too bad. i feel that is has made me mature more than if i would have been surrounded by people i have known since i was 12. i now do so much on my own that i would never have done before (except going to the movies alone, i did it once & didn't like it). the friends i do have don't live too close to me. which makes seeing them more like a special treat.

in the past year or so, my friend numbers have grown much larger. from going to shows, from having a close group of classmates, from my new job. and i like it. b/c i feel like i am a new person and the me that i was before isn't there. i turn 25 in almost a month. it is weird. but it has resulted in me coming closer to the person that i am supposed to be. i am not there yet, i know. there are things holding me back and i need to over come them. but once i am done with school and begin teaching, i feel like i will be a whole lot closer to figuring out at least how i can get to the right place.



i also realize sometimes how weak i am.
today my friends was one of those days

To pass time in idleness

I've spent the greater part of the day today either watching Law & Order: SVU (either my dvds or on regular tv) or futzing around with my cds. I had the day off and that is basically what i do with my time. It isn't really an exciting life that I lead when I only work three or four days a week. At least I am babysitting Friday and Saturday night. It will give me something to do with my time, and I'll be getting paid as well.

Something that I am excited about is that I'm going to go see Laurie Notaro next Wednesday, July 16th. She is having a reading/signing at some Barnes and Noble in the city. I have only been to one other book signing and that was for Margaret Cho a couple years ago. I requested the whole day off, so I am going to go into the city in the middle of the day and just walk and roam around. I need a day like that due to the twists and turns life has been giving me. So I am excited. I just hope it isn't going to be too warm of a day. I don't want to melt.

I have to be up for work in a bunch of hours, so I am going to lay down, turn on my iPod and try to get some needed rest.

The point is - you're a rasist

Today, I still feel kind of good about myself.

Woke up (too) early this morning, went to b&n to pick up my mom's book, went to target and almost bought a handful of cds, went to staples, got a yummy donut and then went home.

I was going to go to the library to upload my videos from Brian's show at Mercury Lounge last week, but they were closed. Damn them for having summer hours.

The rest of the day will be spent cleaning and watching "Strangers with Candy" (which i just picked up this morning)


I have the complete series set on dvd. It is off-beat, but it's one of my favorite shows.

and then at 9pm, I Love Money premieres on VH1. It is so bad, but i can't help myself.

Keep on Truckin'

today was a nice day
i felt rather good about myself.

i have a feeling that tomorrow i am going to make me feel sad about myself. it all depends on what time i wake up.

I've never been a big fan of fireworks.

[Now Playing] Right Away, Great Captain - In All The Unholy Bathrooms


I mean they are pretty when they are done professionally, I'll give you that one. But when I am sitting in my room and i hear them popping in various parts of my neighborhood, they annoy me. Every year, the loverly people who live at the corner of my block basically take control of the intersection (if you live at the dead end like I do - you either come home before the son goes down or you're driving over a lot of crap). I never went down to watch. I always wanted to, but I never did. The one year I did. It was nice at first but then I got bored fast. It was really loud. Loud things you light on fire? Wow, so exciting.

I spent my fourth of July:
- eating an Enormous Omelet Sandwich
(i was so full, i didn't eat until 3pm)
- doing laundry
(so i have clothes for tomorrow)
- watching DVDs
(Serial Mom & Hard Candy)
- hanging out at barnes&noble
(not the one i work at)
- purchasing a Pro flickr account.
(now you can see all my 900 photos)

and, my friends, that was more fun than lighting things on fire. well more fun than hanging out at the corner, that's for sure.

Until we disappear...

well i have actually reappeared.

i kind of wanted to start this up again, so why not? i tried to do something cool, but i'm not very cool so it faded oh so quickly. and while i don't know how long this might last, i'm going to give it another shot. i don't have much to do this summer, so i should be able to maintain something constant here. however when student teaching starts again, i can't make any promises.

i'm kind of playing with all the old posts that i have here and seeing what i can do with them since my brief attempt at having a music blog crashed and burned since i never kept up with it. i'll just take out some links and play around with some titles. i still want to write about music (and i will since that is what i care about most anyway) but there will be more random things from my days and thoughts floating around.

so here we go.
lets hope the captain stays fast with the ship
(no more brand new references, i promise)

-katharine