the future of things we all know

(i sat with this open for 30 minutes. i used bablefish to translate it into italian & french. eventually i put it back into english. then i made revisions to it. took things out, added others. mostly added to it. i posted it and then added & edited it even more. here it is in it's basically finished glory...not that anyone reads this anyway)

i had the feeling that i needed to get words out the whole drive home.

i almost cried at work. ever since august, i have cried so much i can now describe to you the exact process that my body takes to get to that moment. i felt that sink in my chest that i get, like part of my throat drops to my diaphragm. my eyes didn't grow watery, i stopped it just in time...but my tear ducts started to fill. when that happens, it puts this odd type pressure on the tops of my cheeks. they always turn bright red and stay that way for a long time. (i even think they have yet to totally bounce back from the debacle that was two wednesdays ago). then my nose tickled. i don't get that part. it is kind of like that "i have to sneeze" feeling, but not quite. when my nose begins to act up, i know that is the last chance i have to stop myself. it is my last chance to pull that emergency break. b/c then my eyes fill up & my vision gets blurry. from that point, any blink can be the wrong one to make that first tear fall. then it is usually all over. this all happened in less than one second. it is that quick. and still that one second is oh so terrifying.

a friend and i were having a nice conversation and then i let my head get the best of me. i thought of something i shouldn't have let myself think about. it was about how no one ever likes me in any additional way. i can count on one hand the three people in my life who legitimately wanted to be in a relationship with me. oddly, i met them all when i was 18 and going to stony brook. (i guess that was a good age & place for me.) but now, i am 25 years old. i've only been in one relationship (which stemmed from that pool of people). even including that off putting three years, it has been one big "swing and a miss" type life for me for the last eight years...lets not even talk about before that.

i understand that i am unattractive.
i understand that i fall for someone quickly.

however, i don't understand how i am constantly deemed better suited for a friend every single time. i don't think i am super undesirable at all. i am a good person. after seven and a half years, i will finally be a college graduate(with two degrees mind you). i get great discounts on books & amazing prices on coffee. i don't ask for much. i am a funny lady. i listen to good music. i mean, i could totally be a good catch.

but no one gives me the chance to be.