Light , Breathable

[Now Playing] Patti Smith & Kevin Shields - The Coral Sea (Disc 1)

so it's 2:30am.

last night i didn't get to sleep until after 6:30am. this whole closing thing really isn't working out for me. last semester, it was basically all that i did. but it was really all because of my class schedule. but starting mid-may, i was an opener...or at least i was at work by noon. it was annoying at first, but i began to like it.

lately i have been closing and i don't like it. ever since i can remember, nights haven't been good to me. when i was a senior in high school, my health teacher got me a christmas present. it was a journal. i filled it within two months. i wrote a journal full of bad high school poetry in that span of time. every single entry was written after the sun went down. my thoughts would keep me up, so i put the thoughts down.

i don't write nearly as much anymore. the last thing that i wrote was weeks ago. the last thing that wasn't total shit, i wrote in june of '07. but when i used to write with any consistency, i kept the book under my pillow. it was a really shitty place to keep something like that. that wasn't really a private place. but that was a convenient place. i would lay down and while i was getting comfy, i would place a hand under my pillow. feeling the book would make me think - i should write. and i did. again, all that came out was totally displaced teen discomfort.

even now, i'm a hack. i don't think it does anything for me besides having me capture the shit in my head. it doesn't make it go away. it doesn't help me work it out. i'm a completely private person when it comes to what i really feel. even this, i'm typing out my thoughts. but it really isn't anything. nothing is clear. all the outside person knows is that i used to write. i'm the queen of the cryptic. to get something out of me is hard. i've been cornered before. literally. actually by that same health teacher mentioned above (which leads into stories i don't have the energy for this late at night)

i don't know where this was heading, nor am i too sure where it is now. i guess maybe that is part why i don't talk. i lose track of myself. i am a rambler. i talk & talk to try and work through and explain everything i just said. and then i ramble even more to explain away my explanations. that brings it all back to over thinking.

and i don't know, but i just got too tired to write anything else. i don't know if it is me, what i have been talking about or just listening to patti smith's spoken word. either way, i'm going to stop.