you ran to his heart wire house

i listened to a good amount of the smiths last night. very enjoyable.

the rest of things are still hazy. i think i am figuring things out. but i'm not sure. i think by the end of the year, i will have things on the right page. this isn't a "new year, new katharine" type statement. just things are so hectic right now with work and schedules that after christmas i will be able to breathe and have some time to do what needs to be done. and hopefully some of the snow will have melted by then. fucking blizzard.

sometimes you don't say or think

I'm starting to think that things aren't going to ever work splendidly for me. and not that I should settle, but that I should take what is thrown my way. I think everyone in this world want something more grand than they could ever have. but you can't always have that perfect situation. sometime you can never have it.

so what do you do? so you wait it out? see if your ideal will come your way and dismiss everything that doesn't perfctly fit your expectations?or do you work with what you have? take what is given to you even if it isn't what you had hoped?

maybe that less than perfect situation might turn out to really be all that you needed to begin with. who knows.

Funny how I'm nervous still

i'm not confused anymore.

now it's me being nervous, but i'm trying to be positive.

i just don't want to fuck things up before they begin.

the way I see myself so confused

i'm at fork in the road. do i do what i want or do what i should?

if this is only a test

i hope that i'm passing

-pedro the lion

how can I say when I don't know

it's been a bit.

+ I just finished a strangers with candy marathon.
+ turkey day was good. black Friday is tomorrow.
+ i'm not going to say things are well, but things are well.

bedtime.

been down one time

there are many things i have tried to quit before but this one isn't hard.

i was talking to hana the other day when i realized something. this entry isn't me pretending that i am over anything. nor is it me sad. it isn't even me reaching out. it is me putting it fully to rest because i really don't care enough about it to hold on.

looking for a storyline

i'm a slacker, sorry.

i got up at 430 this morning for no reason. i have nothing else to say really. so enjoy this picture...



then watch the trailer.

i'm seeing this the moment it comes out. midnight showing?

way down to silver road I go

sometimes I long to magically be someone I don't think I could ever become on my own. other times I don't want to ever be someone I couldn't become through learning and growing.

save her soul until she shines

it has been an interesting couple days when it comes to my emotions.

today Hana was an amazing friend (whih is a shock since most other days she is just plain awful). thanks for making me feel better sporto. I needed it.

tomorrow I am going out to east bumblefuck long island to visit Chrissy. it will be a good time without a doubt.

don't turn out like me

i'm listening to the new album by Destry on ap.net

it's actually good. i didn't think michelle could actually carry an album by herself. but it is enjoyable. everytime i see straylight, i really miss her parts in the older songs. so listening to this after last night makes me happy. maybe i am just biased, but she is a sweetheart & i'm happy that she is doing her thing even if it's on her own.

in other news, i'm in a fuck you kind of mood. not a bad one, but like an "i'm awesome" kind of fuck you. hopefully this lasts. so i'm going to go get some pumpkin ice cream and enjoy my morning.

The music floats like smoke

I'm never going to underestimate the power of music, friends and food ever again.




thanks to Straylight Run, Tina, Jackie and bubble tea for a really good night.

it's nice to be liked

i’m kind of in the mood to lie in bed and not move for the next 3 days. but i’m going to go see straylight run and hopefully feel better about myself.

i can’t wait. i hope it works.

cloud on my tongue

it isn’t as pretty as you’d like to guess
in your memory, you’re drunk on your awe to me
it doesn’t mean anything at all.

dear jeff mangum,

this fits. it fits more than i'd like to admit.

aeroplane is one of those records i want to share, but i like feeling like it's mine.

come out of your music hiding. you are too brilliant to not be out there counteracting all the crap out there today.

love, katharine.

much too hard to cope

it is currently 4:10am.
I have to be up by 6:30am.

I’ve been roaming around the Internet for the last 4+ hours. mostly meaningless, probably pointless.

now I’m listening to the new amsterdams and not sleeping.


it was an interesting day. it is good to know I have people I can talk to about things, be it text, face to face or over the phone. it is far better to be honest than to hold things in. I did that for far too many years.

maybe we’ll get out somehow

another night in Penn station, another night sharing a table in starbucks with a stranger. another little blog typed on my touch.

it was another great night seeing the get up kids and Kevin Devine. I was a lumberjack. it really wasn't an amazing costume, but it was last minute and all I had to buy was my hat. and it was half off and will serve me well in the upcoming months when I am going to be shoveling my driveway and the walk.

my outfit did resemble the dreaded hipster uniform. and also in a dreaded form, I think I enjoy it. I might have to invest in a button up plaid shirt or two. first i wore my emo sweater last night and now this? damn me!

half of the fun of my night was looking at everyone else's costumes. my top three favorite ones in order of greatness:
1: Quail Man in Irving Plaza
2: the abundance of contestants from Legends of the Hidden Temple that I saw everywhere from union square, a bar and in the venue.
3: Nightman (circa The nightman cometh)

also the bands on stage were great. the opening band was zz top, Kevin and the band were mummies (but Kevin was a mommy) and then the Get Up Kids were all the characters from the Wizard of Oz. I was disappointed that there were so many non dressed up peoples. I am not a huge Halloween person, but I think if you go out, you shoul at least do something.

completely random point: my feet hurt. sitting down feels amazing. now I have no desire to move. but in ~8 minutes I am going to have to. boo.

...

so it's over an hour later, I'm still on the train. I'm so tired and can't wait to get into my pajamas. my head hurts, my eyes are begging to be closed for a long period of time and my feet can't wait to be free of my chucks.

i just put on mariah carey's "always be my baby"...I don't know, it is just one of those songs that I will always love. I really need to make a good list of songs that are guilty pleasures, those songs that make you lose any degree of coolness because you geek out so hard.

that is one mix I going to have to make on cassette so I can play it in my car no matter what. get ready, the wheels are turning on this one...

right now it is 1:09 for the second time today, does that mean there would have been another 1:19 train in penn leaving in 10 minutes? damn I hope not. cause then o would have been able to stay at the venue later than I did. boo.

two more stops from home. this is where I was yesterday when I ended this, so maybe i'll end it here again. I'm not sure who I should have sing me through the rest of the way, but right now I have monty python's lumberjack song entertaining me.

that's okay, she don't want the world

I'm currently in the starbucks in Penn station. when I am out late I always either just make or just miss the train I want to take home. this time as the subway doors opened at 12:19, I said to myself (or maybe even outloud) "the train is pulling out of the station right now."

as I was on the platform waiting for the R (or any train to come for that matter) I started thinking. I used to spent a lot of time on the R train (or any other train with a yellow cirlce on it for that matter). and if I wasn't taking it, a certain someone else was. 

and when we met each other anything could happen. and a lot of things did. this is super cryptic, but the point of it all is that those three years really took over my life. at times, it was good. and at times, it was bad. in the end, it began to be more bad than anything else.

it has been another three and a half years since we were last together (I can count on one hand the amount of times we have seen each other since and still have one finger leftover).  so much has happened since then. I can honestly say I am a better person now than I was then. would the relationship last if I was in it today? I hope not. it was likely the most toxic relationship I will ever be in, friendship or romanticly. i lost a lot of my life in that span of time, but what I gained after is something more than I could have asked for. 

I would have never made friends with those people I met at concerts. (and these are some of the people who get me the most. music to me is more than pretty much everything. and these people get that. I can make a face at these people and they know the things that I am feeling because they feel it too...sometimes they are the only ones who I know will get it. also, through them I was able to get to know one of the people who's music hits me deeper than any other.)

I would never have met my new set of college friends. (be it in my education classes or that one drama class, I found people who can help me not fail a class or to make fun music videos with. I've watched them get married or date tug boat captains.  regardless of what we are doing, these are people I will know my whole life...even if it takes us forever to actually make plans to see each other) 

I would have never worked at barnes & noble and met my new crew. (this one is the newest group, but that makes it no less important or any less amazing. I spend more hours in that store than I should, but I have found people that make those 40hrs a week a little less aggravating. they are people had helped me open up myself more than I ever have in the past. so even in the gross corprate conglomerate that I work under, I am able to come out of it a upgraded version of myself...even if I am a mean girl now.)

I don't know of this is where I intended this entry to go (actually I know that it is nowhere close) but i am almost home and almost out of battery on the iPod (the 20% left notice has been pushing through on and off since woodside).

so it's 1:59, i'm passing through manhasset and I'm going to let Sarah McLachlan sing me home.  

If they ask me, I'm with you

i just found my irving plaza ticket for get up kids and kevin devine on Halloween. that saved me having to lie to live nation for about 20 minutes tomorrow morning. it is going to be a magical weekend with two great shows with two great bands with so many fabulous friends.

I also finally got Jeff Buckley's "Grace"on vinyl. if my two Liz Phair albums don't come in the mail tomorrow, I'm going to start taking away starts on someone's eBay feedback. 

it ripped my heart right out

sometimes, I just feel stupid.
this is one of those shining moments.

You have had your fill of me

even if this is temporary, it's been nice forgetting about you.

in other news, one of the reasons why i love this woman:

getting crazy's just a waste of time

"the only thing stopping you is you"

this was told to me by Lauren a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember when or what it was about specifically. all that I know is that I saved it and knew I was going to come back to it later.

today I was being me and then in response she told me:
"you need to have more confidence about yourself"

which is true. i however have a lack of confidence in other people almost as much as I do in myself. that is hard to change, hard to move past. I haven't had any reason to build that confidence in a long time. the last person I really had any interest in dropped me like a bad habit and it was like a string of lovely moments had never happened. and after that I've been stuck with getting forgotten and tossed aside.

I don't think that it is that I feel I am less than. I am relatively happy with myself internally and I'm as a whole rather appathetic with myself externally. I just feel like there has to be someone out there that would like me for all the internal and external characteristics, even the less than favorable ones.

one day I guess...

still I weaken somehow

in bed listening to city and colour and attempting to play some of their songs on my guitar.

in other news, I might bake a pie tomorrow if I wake up early enough.

wash you away boy

tonight I have a headache to go with my sleeplessness.

joy.

listening to Tori Amos and hoping it helps some.

it's been a long, long time

i don't know why but I have felt epicly alone since yesterday evening.

what are they haunted by

Sunday I went with Sharkey & Tina to see toy story in 3D. the 3D was nothing special, but it was good to finally see it on the big screen.

the previous two days at work were overwhelming. this changeover seemed small before it started but really wih all the changes at work took way more time than Eric or I expected. having today off was a wonderful thing. I needed a break.

last night I had a good mini chat with hana. i normally don't talk about my feelings and fears so it was good to get it out. I am just bummer that it happened in the wee hours of the morning... she had to wimp out and go to sleep since she had work early.

today I didn't do too much. I got the new albums by the gossip and Brandi Carlile. I finished my bag of snickers I've been working on. I'm currently listening to "daisy" and drinking some coffee.

tomorrow I get to sleep in but I don't plan on doing that. I am going to get up at a reasonable time and listen to some of the vinyl I have purchased in the last couple weeks but have yet to hear. I want a turntable in my room. hopefully some day soon that can happen.

let what is true subside

I have to be up in four hours to get ready for work which starts in five & a half hours.

hopefully I get some sleep & wake up in time.

but right now a feeling left out jam is on my shuffle, so it might be a while...

these are my heart songs

starting next week, i basically have at least one show to go to every weekend...check the side bar for more info.

life is going to be super lifey, and i am going to love it.

tried not to make a scene

Yesterday is gone, Yesterday is dead
Get it through your head and walk away
Yesterday is gone
Ain't no use hanging on to her memory
If it only causes you pain

forever and a day

i've become a buckly fan over the last couple months (i tried in the past, but never could really get into it). and this cover of a nina simone song is possibly one of favorite things to listen to him sing. a couple days ago, i sat in my car and listened to it 4 times in a row. it is one of those songs that makes me feel complete & it makes me want to die all at the same time.

And I hops in my ride

all i've got is a haystack

sometimes I can't help but feel defeated. like no matter how much I try, things just will never be what I want them to be.

I'm not sure what else to write besides that.
nor am I sure what else to do with myself anymore.

but for now I am going to listen to the new david gray album till I fall asleep.

and I'll never show my face again

I will even drive you home
if you never let me forget about you
and if you promise me that
I'm good enough for someone
cause I've got to be good enough for you
someday soon I'll get it right
and then you'll see just how good I can be

my favorite saves the day song.

but we weren't joking all the time

sometimes I just get so tired. but I'm never sleepy.

sick and sunk and I blame myself

according to the united state's postal service tracking website, my pre-order bundle of daisy should be arriving today. so in honor, i'm going to be listening the entire brand new catalog before i give the new album a real listen. i didn't download the leak but i've heard it in cars and random tracks. today it is for reals.

a woman left lonely

music is the one thing in my life that always makes sense and that will always make me feel alright, even when it makes me want to die.

so now back to listening to the wonderful janis joplin.

what makes it so easy for you

sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my time.

what it is that you're chasing after

dear lily allen,

even though i just listened to one of your songs & it made me feel like shit, you are wise. i don't know... it is something that i just needed to hear and thanks to that lovely accent of yours, it absorbs some of the pain.

-katharine

a vine that keeps climbing higher

not baking today.

my frantic refreshing of the tracking page for my ipod delivery shows that it was put on a truck this morning at 7:48am. hopefully it doesn't come after i leave for work or before someone gets home from work.

while i wait i have been listening to vinyl, reading rolling stone and making pasta.

end right where we began

i am going to get a good sleep this evening.
then tomorrow, it is back to my regularly scheduled programing.

i might bake.

i should know better

i came home at 530am with a tweet from the lovely brazilian known as jackie as follows: Drunk; to be or not to be? this confirmed my desire to type out the post i was thinking about on the drive home.

i start this out with the statement: i really don't drink.

tonight i was at this beer garden out in queens. it was lovely. it was a rainy day, so it wasn't too crowded or anything. it was vera's birthday, but i would totally go again if the situation came up. i had my two kahlua & milks, along with a surprise shot. i was good. the most i usually drink in an outting is 2/3 drinks depending on how we go there & how long it is going to be before i have to drive again. i rarely get more than a light buzz. which is usually fine by me.

but there is that handful of nights that i can count on one hand where i drank too much. i float often over that narrow line between drunk and sick the more booze i get in me. however, everynight that i got royally fucked up there was a loaded reason behind it.

alcohol has a reputation as this liquid courage or something that will not make your problems go away, but maybe make them disappear for a while. when i drink more than those 2-3 light drinks it is to try & get one of those two outcome, or maybe to achieve them them both.

there are nights i just think that maybe i should go to the liquor store & have a nice little pity party for one in my room while watching golden girls or listening to a record i love. i have yet to drink all by myself in my home. who knows if that day will ever come?

i go out drinking with my friends & i wish i was able to go out, have a couple drinks, get a nice drunk in my system and then proceed to have a good time like they can. but i can't. that fine line pops up again. do i want to try to drown out my sorrows only to feel like shit in the morning? or do i spin my ice around in my glass with my tiny straw & stare into the cubes like they hold some type of reaction to all my failed actions? or do i just put on a front while i make sure my bestest of friends arrive home safely?

pass the time with beer and sleep

this box that i am supposed to write something in has been open for about 30min but i'm still at a loss for what to say.

so i'll just leave it at that, go upstairs, change out of my work clothes & get ready for tonight.

the only thing making me happy is that my ipod is has left for, has arrived at or is leaving anchorage, alaska. i can't wait to get it.

i dream of living a different life

life as of late has been pretty ok.

tuesday night was spent with my girls in asbury park. i ate surf taco & saw pablo. my vagrant records order should be arriving tomorrow as long as UPS is operating in a timely fashion. my upgraded ipod touch was ordered yesterday when i got home from work. it is engraved (with a kevin quote of course) & currently on it's way from china. it should arrive maybe tuesday. saturday brings beer garden fun for vera's bday. even though i don't drink beer, this should be a fun occasion.

but i have been in moods lately. yesterday at work, i was out of it all day & moving super slow. i have been getting lost in my thought processes. i have been getting agitated super easily. i am apathetic yet i care way too much. i feel like a big mush ball.

hopefully this weekend picks things up for me. and if it doesn't, i'm going to The Nightman Cometh Live on wednesday with tina. if that can't cheer me up and make me pee my pants from laughter, then nothing will & i'm a lost cause.

doesn't matter who's on the line

jackie finally posted her west chester videos. if you ever wonder what in my life keeps me going, so much of it is this man & his music.



bah. so good.

something that you never said

you're the bee's knees but so am i (the smiths)

everything is adding up

sometimes nights i go to sleep with the though that i am epically failing at this life.

but then i wake up, listen to music, participate in retail therapy & i feel better about things. there are moments in my life when i don't think about how things are terrible like taking a fat trip to pennsylvania or planing musical journeys with the team.

that's the whole idea it's true

this rendition of the song is beyond beautiful.
and it, plainly stated, makes me want to die.
(i'm not sure just yet it's in a good or bad way)



end of story.

On the train again movin' away from you

i've been a slacker lately. september will be better, i think. right now i feeling the beginnings of sickness starting to form. so i am going to keep drinking my tea, wait for the meds to kick in & make some raviolis. hopefully i am no longer sickly or just less sickly by the time work comes around...fucking changeover.

so while the water boils...listen to jaymay.



Still, the whole time there's this light
It wont let her say goodnight
Some white beam of hope in the sky
Has her questioning why
Has her constantly tryin' and lyin' inside

anything to make the time fly

days like yesterday are really what count most in life.

i'm paralyzed by fictitious eyes

i haven't been here in a week. there isn't much of a reason for it. i haven't really even thought about writing anything here either. it's really been a lot of the same ol shit since my last entry. here are any exceptions to that:

- i went back to work. having a paid week off is too much of a great thing.

- hung out with my girls a lot. i have made some great friends at 2216 & i would be totally lost without them.

- i returned my ipod due to the specualtion of a new model coming out the first week of september. i have a $400 (upgraded thanks to some extra bday money) in an Apple giftcard just waiting to be used.

- tomorrow i am going on a massive food trip - cici's, cracker barrel, sonic & dairy queen. sometimes the life of a fat girl proves to be adventurous.

that is all for now.

just a random set of objects

so my birthday week is over & i am very happy with how everything went. i'm even going to front, last years brithday wasn't good at all. but this year the whole time really proved to be more than amazing.



yesterday was my actual birthday. i spent the morning eating a breakfast wrap & doing laundry. then i went over to sharkey's for a fabulous time. it was full of badmitton, water balloon fights, my own pizza pie, a pinata, fudgie the whale & movie hangs. my friends almost made me cry by surprising me with an ipod touch! they gave me the gift recipt so if i wanted to up grade, i could. i think i am going to so i can make it my main music device. but i'm going to have to wait to get some more birthday money over the course of the week to be able to afford it. hopefully i can hold out until friday...because last night i was really itching to open it.

today will be spent watching it's always sunny, eating left over pizza & enjoying an empty house.

it might be a quarter life crisis

happy 26th birthday to me.

dreamt this dream a thousand times

i have been super busy lately. this week is filled with doing so much & then trying to get some rest.

day three of my birthday week was spent in west chester, pa. i could always write volumes about going to kevin shows, so i try not to. those shows are always something that i don't think i could ever explain to someone who doesn't really get it.

but the long & short of it is that i drove out there with jess & bex. we met up with kinja. i got a bangin' chicken hero thing. we finally found jackie. fred mascherino was really good live, but i have always loved him since breaking pangaea. kevin's was beyond amazing. i didn't get my song ("the three you asked for...i don't even know") but this box is empty & confessional was worth the trip & more.

we did pub on the way home. i love that place. it is just a diner but it somehow feels like more. i guess it is that pavlov's dog association type deal. it is always the post pennsylvania show hang where we reflect or just try to be revived from the death music can cause. we left, got back to piscataway & then i drove home. i pulled up to my house at 5:15. it was a full day and it was everything i could have hoped for & more.


day four of my birthday week was spent driving all over the island. hana & sharkey joined me seeing nightmare of you's instore performance at looney tunes. i enjoy them a lot. live they aren't always a winner to me. it isn't that they are bad, they sound good, but it doesn't hit me like other acts do. while i was there, i picked up their album that came out the day before. it is very lovely. they rerecorded two of their early demos. they sound good and i'm happy to have better quality of two of my favorite songs of theirs.

i also got a cd by the gay blades. it is outstanding. this is one i am going to pass around & makes sure everyone listens to. i saw the lead singer play an accoustic set when i was at looney tunes for record store day. i was impressed but never picked up the album. since i was finally out in east bumblefuck again, i thought it was time. i'm happy i found it & it rocks pretty hard.

after our looney tunes experience was over, it was diner & a long ass movie hang in sharkey's basement. i left my house at 4:30pm & then i got home at 3:30am. needless to say i was pooped.


day five of my birthday week was spent seeing blondie/pat benatar/the donnas in a park at coney island. i loaded my car with snacks & popcorn chicken and then headed over to hana's place. we loaded her car with food, drinks & lawn chairs and we were on our way. we were there super early but it ended up being good becasue we got a nice spot & things filled up super quickly. the two hours before was filled with super amounts of people watching. laura showed up just in time for the show. two fights almost broke out behind us during the donnas. pat benatar was great live & totally played the jams. seeing blondie made me so happy. debbie harry looked so old rocking out...but even at 64, she was phenomenal.

i always want to see acts that i haven't seen but i know i should see before they are at that stage where they don't play anymore. earlier this year i saw fleetwood mac, and last night i knocked two more acts off my list.


today is day six, but all i am probably going to do is hang around. i was going to go out shopping like i normally do onmy fridays off...but i haven't showered yet & don't feel like rushing around so i am back by babysitting. then again, i might get some boost of energy & leave my humble abode.

just sees what he wants to see

day two of my birthday week was lovely.

i worked for 9 hours and then jammed with the loverly ms. helen. i then came home to lounge around & have a deep conversation on AIM. i also learned how to play ace of base's the sign on my uke.

so over all it was a good day.

the girl at the rock show

Dear Thomas Matthew DeLonge Jr,

i was at your show tonight at jones beach. now that i have finally seen a band of yours live, i can officially say that you are every bit obnoxious in real life as you have been in my mind for the last couple years. you are 33 years old. talking about fucking dads & constant penis jokes during your set is just sad.

travis flawlessly played his drums hanging in the air & sideways. you fucked up a good amount of your songs tonight with your feet flat on the ground.

not cool my friend, not cool.

love always,
katharine.

i can't walk through my own life

i miss these boys. the memories i have involving these guys are beyond amazing. they are one of the reasons i miss philly & northstarbar. why can't they be on tour? it is summer, travel north. it is cooler up here than mississippi. promise. i'll let you use my b&n discount.

i’m going to go rock out up in my room for a couple hours. and hem some pants.

boo to life & me never fully absorbing reality.

now the days go by so fast

after a pretty sad moment in the history of my life occurred not more than 30 min ago, i moved forward & realized that my birthday week is going to be awesome. i had this feeling a couple days ago that i wanted to go into hiding. not talk to anyone or see people outside of a work setting. but that would be impossible since the days are filling up very well. so far, i have something to do 5 out of 7 days.

sunday - blink 182 at jones beach
monday - (opening at the store)
tuesday - lunch with mary in nj (maybe) & kevin in west chester
wednesday - nightmare of you at looney tunes (perhaps)
thursday - blondie/pat benetar at coney island
friday - (babysitting)
saturday - my birthday at sharkey's

i have to work monday morning & babysit friday night. so it won't be like i'm sitting home doing nothing. and even some of the moments i'm sitting home doing nothing, i'll be getting paid for it. god bless vacations days.

this year's birthday is already better than last year's (it wouldn't take much at all for it to be better than last year).

then again, i'm going to so much more broke than last year. but for me, it's worth it!

it was our destiny

tomorrow i will order on of these & my life will be awesome.
(somehow v-necks have been taking over my life. but i like it.)

----------------
Now playing: Dusty Springfield - No Easy Way Down
via FoxyTunes

all the couples have gone

i think i am going to listen to 'brother's blood' tonight until sleep thankfully takes over me.

then tomorrow, i look forward to a chinese food lunch date with sue.

----------------
Now playing: Regina Spektor - Poor Little Rich Boy
via FoxyTunes

don't trust a ho

in my head, i have a well overdue big post brewing. but i know it isn't going to work out on screen as well as it is currently forming in my brain.

but today was a good day.

one of the managers & i went to the new crepe place in the shopping center we work in. i am going to get so fat & broke. but it is worth it. but it was a good time. i know people out there don't like their jobs. but for as much as i can complain about the bookstore, i really enjoy some of the people it has brought into my life.

now i'm leaving to finally check out tina's new apartment in brooklyn. then is once again off to hoboken to enjoy food/tunes at maxwell's. it always, without fail, rains when i go there to see a show. it can be before i leave, in the car on the way, while i am actually in the city of hoboken or on the drive home. it doesn't matter when, but it always happens. i will never understand it.

he don't suspect a thing

today, i bought a gogo's vinyl for only $1.99.
tonight, i almost stepped on a snail after babysitting.

goodbye july.

You know, people are very, very sensitive. No one takes
into account how sensitive a person really is. I don't mean
just a Scorpio or a Libra. Everybody, they're terribly
sensitive. And other people just don't understand how
sensitive a human being is. They don't understand it.
So they run roughshod over everybody. - Edie Beale

everytime i watch either documentary, i find some line that touches me in a new way. the whole thing is real. and i keep finding a bit of myself in these crazy women.

when i lay to take my rest

i didn't fall asleep until well after 2am last night.
my cat woke me up by poking me in the face starting at 6am.

now off to the bookstore.
hopefully this is an easy day.

----------------
Now playing: A.A. Bondy - Black Rain, Black Rain
via FoxyTunes

decayed from the start

I built you a home in my heart
With rotten wood that decayed from the start
Because you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
...
I'm a war of head versus heart
And it's always this way
My head is weak, my heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say


ok. work in the morning.
time to sleep all these thoughts away.

the sound of you working

i went to bed not too long after that post last night.
this morning i woke up a little after 5am. bizarre.

there are a couple albums/artists that i have been playing a shit ton lately...city & colour, bess rogers, jenny owen youngs. and i need to change my Now Playing song, so one of these lovely people will be getting that spot. i'm not entirely sure who will be getting it though (but it's not city & colour, because i'm not that depressed right now)

both jenny & bess are great, but i think this one is going to go to the lovely Bess Rogers. her new EP is great. i downloaded it off itunes the other day, but i need to get a physical copy of it.

in other music news, today i have acquired some tickets for concert experences:
august 9th - blink182/falloutboy/takingbacksunday at jones beach (totally lol-worthy)
august 11th - kevin devine at the note in west chester, pa
october 31st - the get up kids/kevin devine at irving plaza (boo. i wanted brooklyn)
november 28th - brandnew/glassjaw(!!)/tba special guests at nassau colesieum

there are a bunch of shows coming up the next couple weeks too. there is a little thing in the side bar for the whole list. i totally forgot about planning for the blondie/pat benatar show. tina reminded me when we were on the phone. i am getting excited again for it (even though i would like to be at the tori amos show maybe a little more). i guess that means more vacation days at work are being taken off.

some faith would do me good

it has been quite a bit since i have been here.

i want to write a lot, but i have had the worst headache since about 2pm.

but i'm still here.
i'm still alive.
sort of.

you question your vulnerability

sarah harmer,

oh, how your musical interludes slay me. i have been listening to 'all of our names' for the past 30 minutes. this album is the one out of the three that i never got into. ['you were here' was my bible in high school. 'i'm a mountain' made me think liked bluegrass music for a couple months back in 2006.] but i think this listen might cause me to really fall into this record. please return to the united states soon so i can once again be in awe of your talent and beauty.

thanks for everything, katharine.

ps. it took me eight years to finally see you live. i don't want to wait that long again. so any time before 2012 would be grand.

might be but never are

be my pleasure to sit here
and talk with you all day.
but there's no part of me
that's not wasting away...



i can't do what i want to do.
i need to do what i don't want to do.
and what i don't want to do is exactly what i should be doing.

make sense?

i only have a friend

did someone say lighten the mood?
no? well i'm going to do it anyway!



best show ever.

now i am going to go back to learning "Just a friend" on my uke.

how far back can you remember

katharine: i wonder what my open letter to myself would be.
helen: hmmm something to think about

i think i will think about it tonight.
perhaps even hand write it tomorrow.

but for now, back to grey gardens.

fighting what must be said

"no, just give yourself time" helen

i'm so close to unquitting.

but one of my favorite ladies
just saved my life once again.

so i hold on tight to letting go

so far so good. it hasn't been as hard as i thought it was going to be.

the one biggest things bumming me out about life is that i am working when tickets for the get up kids & kevin go on sale. i am going to need to ask for a favor from a friend at some point next week.

(ps - my subject lines are always lines from songs. this one is from an ingrid michaelson demo walk away. i have yet to find a free standing copy on the internet, so i think when i get home i am just going to rip it from her loverly twitter site. anywho, you need to listen to it. sometimes demo recordings are my favorite. they are just simple & right to the point. they are also often leaps & bounds different than the final product. i mean i never would have guessed that kevin's carnival would have evolved into the gem that it is. i am interested to see if this makes it to an album or this is basically all that will come of it. either way, i find the low-fi sound and crackles absolutely charming & makes the song possibly better for me than if it was done in a professional studio.)

looking back it seems so real

according to dictionary.com
quit /kwɪt/ quit or quit⋅ted, quit⋅ting, adjective
1. to stop, cease, or discontinue
2. to depart from; leave (a place or person)
3. to give up or resign; let go; relinquish
4. to release one's hold of (something grasped).
5. to acquit or conduct (oneself).
6. to free or rid (oneself)
7. to clear (a debt); repay

i don't think i have been more ready to do it, to quit.

i am a firm believer that no one makes a change unless motivated. sometimes, it takes something big. sometimes, it takes something small. sometimes, it takes the most obvious thing in the world. other times it just takes finally excepting failure. that is where i am at.

the most obvious thing could be hanging on a sign on the pink elephant in the room, and i might still pass it by. but sometimes the elephant can't be avoided anymore. sometimes the hurt is larger than the elephant. sometime i have to act like the adult i pretty much am at this point.

so here is where i begin to be an adult in this situation.

well, sort of. all i know is the outcome that i need to help me move forward in life. the path i take to get there might not be mature, but neither are the cryptic blog entries that i will continue to type up every other day. but maturity doesn't matter at this point, not with this...not anymore.

because there is only so much avoiding you can do of of reality until you are forced to avoid the fantasy you have created.

we always ignore the biggest things
we swore, we swore we never saw,
so all in all my head is sore...
just ignore the elephant that's hanging around,
and i could be your best friend.
Miracle of 86

and i listen for the whisper

when i have nothing constructive to say, i guess i post videos.

this song doesn't have anything to to do with again either. i just go in & out of loving amanda palmer. and this video makes me love her.

don't you know i thought of you

life has been pretty nuts lately.

ups. downs. inbetween.

but at least that means that things aren't boring?



this song has nothing to do with anything really, i just love it and i forget how much i love jaymay & this album until i pick it up again or a song comes up on my shuffle. you can literally hear me in the beginning of the recording say "i love this song." i've heard them sing it together twice & it never gets old to me.




the next show she has up in new york is on my birthday.

phooey.

i'd rather be a mystery

i'm a fake.

not in the terrible way (then again is there a good fake?) but in the way that i have to adjust to my surroundings to get through the day. if i were to say the things i feel or do the things i really wanted, i would be in a different place. my problem is i don't know if that would be a good thing or not.

in every given situation, there is the thing that i did & then something that i wish i would have done. be it the way i would have spoken to this person, the way i would have completed that task or even the way i would have crossed the street.

there is a john mayer quote that has rung true to me since my early days as a freshman in my dorm at stony brook:
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked
I just want to be funny
Look like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

it fits me perfectly. i want to believe that i live my own life, but i don't. i want to impress. i want to be liked. there is nothing wrong with that in theory (i mean even john mayer felt that way), but part of me will forever feel foolish for it.

stillness will sweep you away

this song, along with the whole new record, is so delightful.



check out her daytrotter sessions. i'm always hit or miss with them. usually the full band type things don't do it for me personally. jenny's session is ok (i think mostly this comes from lightning rod not being a track i regularly enjoy), but it is free so you really can't go wrong. but both of her albums are outstanding.


on a side note, helen is coming to town tonight. kebabs will be consumed & songs will be covered. i'm legitimately excited & wish it was already time for her arrival. but before she gets here, i am going to get the new wilco album & this "band in a box" thing they have at the bookstore. exciting!

if i held you tightly

"damn dude. you can't catch a break" - helen
----

i had this whole great idea of what i was going to say here. i even sat here fora while and typed up a couple lines. then i put my headphones on, laid on my bed & listened to music (neutral milk, wilco, tori amos, jeff buckley) for 3+ hrs.

hana said it sounded peaceful.
that is better than the depressing spin one could take on it.

dancing in the dark

i had something to write here. but i lost it.

oops.

i haven't written anything of substance here. maybe later?

catch my troubled head

i want to put music on & drift into sleep.
my ipod is in my car. so no tunes for me.

oh & i'm an idiot. the end.

no one wants to be defeated

michael jackson died yesterday.
everyone is buying his stuff.

personally, i think that is pretty fucked up.

these are people who apparently like his music. but you can only buy all of their things after the fact? yesterday after this elderly spanish couple came in & told me of the news (i literally told them "No." when they informed me he had a heart attack), i put in to get three copies of everything. one woman actually ordered 4 copies of "off the wall" ship to home. i mean nothing does better for your career than you dying.

his music, while quite groundbreaking, will be no different today than it was wednesday.

today i didn't buy anything related to mr. jackson
i did however buy tapestry on vinyl & doug's 1st movie on vhs.

the cars don't stop

i was on the subway on saturday night & one of my friends says out of nowhere "everyone here is an alpha female except for kat." i wanted to respond in a way that would have proven i was strong.

but i had nothing.

i have thought about this statement at least twice a day since she said that. i want to think of a way that i could prove jenn wrong. but i dont' have any. i wake up every morning telling myself that this is going to be the day that i am stronger, that this is going to be the time when i reject that weak thought that would have ruined me 24 hours ago.

but it never is.

your heart was dying fast

i like death cab a bit. i like this song greatly. but i like this cover enormously.



"It seems that you live in someone else's dream...and if our hearts were dying that fast, they would have done the same as you. I'd have done the same as you "

let me know the truth

sometimes i feel like i am not doing anything for the cause.

i am comfortable and confident
yet afraid and self consciousness

i'm stuck and i hate it.

a sleep that will never come

Sometimes a man must awake
to find that really, he has no one
So i’ll wait for you and i’ll burn.
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
It’s never over, my kingdom
for a kiss upon her shoulder.

i've been just laying in bed & listening to "Live at Sin-E" but i should be cleaning my room because i have family coming. oops?

sniffing up that mercury

i finished it's always sunny this morning. i have yet to decide what i am going to start watching today. i'm not sure if i want to stick to tv shows or watch a movie.

then again, i might run to my car & get my ipod out of there.
i could use a night of tunes as well. oh, the many choices i have...

don't encourage discipline

i just got back from new jersey about 45 min ago & i have to be up for work in less than 4hrs.

but it was a good night & totally worth not getting even half of my required 8hrs.

it's so hard on us baby

i'm putting some new music on my ipod for the drive to piscataway today.

which means deleting old crap from my ipod. it is starting to get hard to pick things that i don't want anymore. i need a new ipod soon, but not really. i should just stop getting more music.

yeah, that isn't going to happen either.

i couldn't want you more

on previous blogs i have had (xanga, deadjournal, livejournal) i grew into the habit of making lists when i post rather than actually typing out things. i tink i have grown back into that mode of writing.

- i bought a shit ton of books, cds, dvds & vinyl this week. also in the past month i have gone bonkers with buying crap. i am going to have to go on a shopping freeze so i can catch up with myself & actually pay attention to what i bought. i hate having cds still in the plastic. the rest of june is going to have to be very boring so i can at least say i put all that money to good use.

- all this friday shopping proved to be a good distraction to all the crap in my head.

- this weekend is super busy. tomorrow i have work and then chrissy's graduation party out in east bumble fuck. sunday i have off from work and am going to be in new jersey the whole day. i haven't been there in way too long & am more than excited for firepit hangs.

- i have had the new jenny owen youngs record via amie st for a couple weeks now, but having a physical copy is exciting. actually being able to hold it in my hands makes a world of difference. that is why i could never go entirely digital, no matter how expensive it might be. but thankfully i have started to buy used cds. it costs me half as much to have what i would have gotten anyway.

telling strangers personal things

uploaded a new now playing song.

this song always feels perfect, but the parts that sound perfect are always different. i don't know, like sometimes i relate to the first verse the most. then months later it won't mean the same thing as it once did and i'll spend my time singing the 4th verse in my head.

regina's new album comes out in a couple weeks or so. it is called far. but i hear she calls it fart. i must say that she is my kind of woman.

the world just screams & falls apart

here are some quick hits since i haven't been here in days:

- haven't been to jury duty since last monday, just a couple more days till i don't have to worry about it anymore.

- last night i saw kevin at northsix, um, i mean the music hall of williamsburg. i got a spot literally right accross the street. i fucking love rockstar parking.

- i'll be back there tomorrow night for jenny lewis. small venue? i totally can't wait. haven't seen her live since those two shows at town hall all most three years ago.

- i finally got the bonz vinyl. i'm going to lay down with some coffee & a book tomorrow when i wake up & really enjoy it.

- it was a full moon last night. there was no need for lights of any kind last night since the sky was so bright.

- there were so many grasshoppers on my walk way last night. it kind of grossed me out. that might have been the reason i dropped my keys last night.

- i dropped my keys out of my hand, off my front stoop and then in to the bushes last night. i had to try & call my house without waking up my mother. it was a project.

- sharkey called me at like 1:30am. i love how my friends know that i'm always awake that late & obviously have no problem calling me without a fear of waking me up.

- i have a whole bunch of plans and shows coming up. i think this is going to be a good summer.

no one else's problem

you get back here, you do it slowly
do it calm, now. don't be so angry
i've got something i've been chasing
every day since i started walking

it just sits there in the distance
always flirts with the tips of my fingers
and you thought that you could love it
til it touched you, and now you just wanna stop it

well i'm sorry, it's not likely
it was here when you got here
and it'll be here when you're not here no more

then some days i get lucky
i can focus and things are less shakey

i scrape you off the pale moon
and i slip you into soft shoes
and you tap dance to a jazz band
on a cruise ship off near an island
your hairs up, you wear a short dress
and a wide smile, your movements are careless

it's a day dream i've been having
to make the clocks move while i'm working
or a bad joke i can't sit through
but i smile cause i feel like i have to

but if you'd look under the table
you'd see i'm playing with my knife
i'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps
and struggling just to come off polite

and we could be a snapshot
framed, and hung like a portrait
and what if that's true,
and i'm the only one who knows it?

no one's gonna stop her

[Now Playing] Archers Of Loaf - Sickfile

it is currently the last day of may.
that means it's been quite a while.

life is pretty much the same as was life a week ago.

i went to the straylight run show. it was a great time. like i said before that band was my life 4 years ago and it felt good to finally reconnect with that. i have a crew of my friends that just don't love music, they live it. going to multiple shows and seeing the same set just in a different venue makes sense to them. i was with some of these people that night. the night made more sense sharing a balcony with these people. then we went to teany. i had mac & cheese. perfection i say, perfection.

since my marathon of The Office has ended, i picked up Arrested Development. i'm on season two now and i am really excited to get to season three. i had only previously seen up to season two when i borrowed them from tina. i haven't seen s3 yet and i am on baited breath to see how they ended it. and when the movie eventually comes out? oh what a grand day it will be!

other than that, the rest of the week was pretty standard with some definite highlights. but i can overall say i am happy with things in my life. they are in no way perfect, but i they are more than bearable.

then again, i start my two week on call federal jury duty summons tomorrow at 9am. so this "life is not too shabby" attitude could change more than quickly.

so in love with all your vices

thursday was a good day
(with haircuts, mac&cheese and more diner hangs)
today was a good day too.
(with vinyl enjoyment, lazy behavior and b&n trips)

normally i would say that i don't think i can get three good days in a row, but tomorrow is all about straylight run at knitting factory. last time i was supposed to see them, i got ill (um, flashback to 2006? weird). but even that night still ended well with a michelle nolan chat. this band was basically life to me in 2004, so i can't wait to see them on stage again. it's going to be time travel my friends.

this being said, i totally give sunday permission to suck as long as saturday keeps on the good streak.

deal? deal.

that being said, i am going to listen to those first demos they put out & probably want to die. but it will be a sweet death, promise.

in stereo in the static age

somedays aren't too terrible.
this one was a pretty good one as far as days go.

Burn down the disco

yesterday was 4 years. it's been a great ride.

we go past and look at it

any any given moment in my life there is always someone i am pining after that is impossible for me to have. there are many varied situations that this has fallen under with many different people. while painful, it usually turns out alright. i might be still alone, but i have a new brigade of friends. they rarely know i have/had the hots for them. sometimes my friends will tell them after a night of drinking (thanks brigitte) but mostly my they remain clueless.

this is actually for the best because it would ruin everything. they say it is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. my personal motto it that it is better to have loved in the shadows than to have loved and lost. i have great people in my life and i would rather be awkward and have friends than to be awkward and be totally alone.

life is peachy without me

my marathon of The Office is over. i can't wait until the 5th season comes out. due to an amazing work schedule, i didn't get to watch it.

the next marathon is either strangers with candy or wonderfalls (i am not sure i could invest in a full SVU-fest at the moment). dead like me & 30 rock S2 are currently on loan, while 30 rock S1 is going to be checked out tomorrow. i need more tv shows. i have the first seasons of Reno911 & roseanne. i need to fill out those collections soon.

i really just need some thing to keep my attenion & take my mind off of all the bullshit that makes me want to die. thankfully, my mind is weak enough to fall for 22 min blocks of quality sitcoms & shitty programming.

always there by your side

My horoscope for thursday, may 14: It may be quite difficult
for you to understand a particularly odd social situation until
you think about who's got the power. That should clear
everything up -- though it may obligate you to change things.

word.

so lonely but always free

my nights lately have consisted of The Office dvds, decaf coffee, waffles, pretzels & dip, ice cream and (tonight only) raviolis.

and i wonder why no one wants to date me?

you gotta shake it out

broken and broken.

pfft. whatever.

picking up things that we shouldn't

i make promises to myself all the time. but i break them everyday.

right now i have two going on.

i know by tomorrow i'll have broken one.
in no more than a weeks time, the other will be completely shattered.

i wish i could write this out more specifically...but i don't want to be such a fucking complainer, i don't know who reads this & i don't want to have to face the consequences of my feelings.



starting season three of my dvd marathon of the office today, work is early tomorrow and i have had no sleep all weekend. hopefully i fall asleep pretty early.

telling myself not to go

i feel powerless.

too at ease and strange

it's been a bit since i was here.
nothing new to report, nothing special.

i don't know....
there are times everything is wonderful and peachy. and then i feel like crap for no good reason.

i'm just going to play some sad songs on my guitar
then block it out & watch the office from under the covers.

here we go around again

there have been many people who have expressed concern about me & my sleeping habits. tonight i went into bed at ~10:30. i told myself "self, let's just watch a couple episodes of the office & then pass out." it was a reasonable request, so under the covers i went.

over two hours later i found myself texting LD, moving around shit to have a better place to put my vinyls & listening to my ipod.

i am not a smart person, but listening to this record this late at night won't help me sleep:


i have to be at work in less than 7 hours, and i am looking up chords so i can play these songs. it is a sickness i tell you. i know better & should have just put on some nice acoustic set of songs like i had planned.

for a small piece of sanity

i'm going to philly tonight to see kevin & brian play at northstarbar.


(from the last time i was there to see kevin, i think?)

i can't wait to see the team. it is always a good time when we get together. i told jess that i plan on taking one saturday off a month this summer to go down to do radio & hangs. i didn't go down at all last summer and that made me sad. i mean they did go on tour for most of the summer, but there were other times i could have been there but didn't go. this summer i am definitely taking off more and doing some fun shit.

~

life has been really good as of late. i have seen all of my respective crews lately (minus brigitte & helen, but they left me a nice message the other day which kind of made up for them getting ice cream without me). i have shows coming up. work has been alright, despite the normal gripes. i try not to think about being without "another half" and lately it hasn't been that hard. i've been content with where i am.

let me make you smile

i was thinking about this earlier tonight, when my thoughts trailed off...regardless of the unrealistic nature of my thoughts friday night, it was a nice feeling that i miss having.

it was nice to feel something good for a while. and even if it was somewhat wasted, it was nice to have my thoughts & actions entertained for a bit.

the better you sound

over the last 4 yrs this man has changed my life.



tonight was #40. it is impressive i think for someone who never leaves the basic tri-state area for shows. how could i see someone in concert 40 times? it seems silly when i think about explaining it to some people. not everyone can get it. ever since may of 2005, things have been different. it wasn't right away but there was a change.

i have people in my life that i would have never had known if it wasn't for going to shows. jess and becca have become an important part of my existence. it took one statement in the empress dinner to let them know that i was legit...and then there was no turning back. life has been hangs, jams and gravy (literally) since then. there have been many people that have come along with my girls, which have defintiely been some good folks.

and the man himself. very possibly one of the greatest people i know. he is a solid dude who can write some of the best music i have ever heard. tonight i would have been embarassed to watch myself. i was rocking out hard, not holding back. but i didn't care. i was jamming out because eveything that he said, every note his voice hit and every strum from the guitar moved me (yes ladies, even fever moon). there are songs that have made me cry. there are songs that just make me dance. every song hits me in a different way & is real.

i am trying to think of a good way to express these feelings, but i can't think of anything that makes sence out of my head. all i know is that 4 years ago was the release show for split the country, split the streets. tonight was the release show for brother's blood. and in that time kevin has gone from being "some dude openning for john nolan" to a major part of my existence.

i hope this never goes away.
i have a feeling it never will.

so you better move fast

tonight is kevin at bowery. i am legit excited for this. i haven't seen kevin play in what seems like a long time, even though i know that it isn't long for most normal people. i saw this video this morning and it made me think of every kevin show where he plays "no time flat" or anything else that people feel the need to clap in.



i mean i am all about group participation. but you need to know the right and the wrong time. i mean in the song, it is clear when the clapping begins, along with the group singing. i love jenny lewis more because of her clear knowledge of her own song.

and that one fan that you can clearly hear yell "not now!"

i'm missing something big

the more i listen to it, the more i realize how epic the new manchester orchestra album is. even though i think the state of music is definitely on a steep downward path, there are times when i hear something that just changes things.

this record is one of them.

and even though i have listened to it basically everyday since it leaked, the moment i physically get kevin's new record is going to be one of those moments as well.

Music this magnificent & medicine
are one in the same.
They make life worth living,
hearts worth healing
Boys Night Out

my voice is sounding fine

no sad post today because yesterday was national record store day!

i hung out at looney tunes all day & i got a bunch of cool stuff.


which also helped me finally total 600 cds.

now i can finally enjoy the new manchester orchestra record without this sinking feeling that jeremiah will beat down my door telling me to delete all my files. the album leak was a crappy quality anyway. but the kevin leak on the other hand...so wonderful. but that gushing will officially be able to happen sometime next week.

the cure for a broken heart

this is the last time i am doing this. after this, i give up. i'm done trying & i'll just accept it. if it happens, then it happens. but i'm not looking for it any longer.

whatever, being alone probably isn't too bad.

your head is far too blurry

my life is a series of the same shit over and over
i'm no longer surprised by what happens anymore
more often than not, i just have made myself forget
then i do the same thing over again with no avail

i need to get ready for work (or at least looking for clothes to wear). but i don't want to go. i switched with a coworker so i don't have to go in until 6pm. but i would have rather called in sick than go in. i am no mood to do anything right now. i think i might grab my ipod & listen to a song that i know will make me cry. but why would i want to do that? why would i want to further along the shitty mood that i am in?

haunted by the ghost of you
reminds you what you didn't do
inara george

It's sad but it's true

new Now Playing song is up. the new lily allen record isn't as good as the first one, but it is pretty rockin' at times. this is a good track. kind of makes me want to die, but what else is new?

(stolen & altered from a softer world)

i had a long talk with LD yesterday morning. it really wasn't a long talk for most people, but when it comes to me - anything is pretty lengthy since i never talk about things. it reopened some things, but it wasn't terrible. one good thing was that it made me feel like i should write here more. the original goal was to make this a music blog, which failed. then it was to write in here about every other day, which i have been failing at. so even if it is trivial, i want to make sure i keep leaving my mark.

just wanna take your hand

when it comes to days & moments like this i could just lean back in my chair and stare at the ceiling for hours.

i should have left the house today but i didn't.
twas not the best choice.

----------------
Now playing: Kings of Leon - Manhattan
via FoxyTunes

press 7 to delete

i save phone messages.

i always have. if i get one that strikes a chord, i press 9 and keep it. there are some that make me smile. there are some that make me want to die. there are others that make me smile & then want to die. verizon used to let me have 40 of these. now i am down to a 20 message inbox. this has proven to be a good thing. it helps me let go of things. i could seemingly have moved on, until it has been 21 days & i have to decide again if i want to keep that person's voice. i kept some from my ex well after we broke up...but at this point there is nothing there. i don't know how many i deleted or were automatically deleted after they expired. i am going to go with that i deleted most of them.

i think i have 18 saved at the moment. this isn't too good b/c it only allows me 2 spots. i mean no one calls me & rarely do they leave messages. i might go through them now & see which ones no longer hold the same weight as they did 21 days prior. i need to make room for new recorded hilarities & mindfucks.

All the evidence points in one direction
Says I don't need you physically around
I've got your voice on tape
I've got your words in me
I don't want anything else
I don't want anyone else
(Jenny Owen Youngs)

always the last one to leave

it's been a while.
i should be dressed for work already, but i am putting it off.

maybe when i come home from work i will write something worth writing. but i doubt it.

----------------
Now playing: Bayside - Beautiful Girls
via FoxyTunes

second hand news

a good day
but i still feel crappy.

hopefully tomorrow lifts my spirits.
hopefully i lift myself out of bed tomorrow to get to sharkey's.

In my dreams I walk with you

right now, i'm just futzing around.

i pre-ordered brother's blood for kevin's looney tunes in store. between his record & manchester, i am going to be going back & forth from there too often in april.

plans for the day include:
- laundry
- baking cookies with laura
- fleetwood mac with lady helen

i should probably shower & get started with my day.

----------------
Now playing: Kevin Devine - Carnival
via FoxyTunes

did you all miss those feelings

i've actually been super content with my life as of late.

well, this is not counting the ~30 seconds at work today when i started to fade out & wanted to die.

we are going to just ignore that span of time.

i know what they want

i haven't been here in a week. sorry.

now is where the standard "i haven't been busy, but i just haven't thought about it" reasons for not typing things should show up in this box.

but i'm going to pass on that.

monday was a huge snow storm. i had to work that night. it was changeover. ugg. there is nothing that i hate more than driving in the/after it there has been snow than doin so at midnight when it has now all frozen over. but i made it home alive. so i can't complain.

tuesday was nothing special as i recall. i worked. but that is nothing new.

wednesday was a good day. manchester orchestra played at mercury lounge. lately i have not wanted to go out. it is a mix of getting old & apathy. up until the moment i meet up with friends or get to where i am supposed to be, i'd rather be home. there are points in my travel when i honestly think that i could turn around & have no problem with it. i felt that way last week before matchless. and i felt like that wed afternoon. but from the second mr. hull walked on stage, i felt better. i knew this was exactly where i wanted to be. without rambling on & on, like i could, it was a magical evening. i haven't had this good of a tunes/hangs night in a long time.

thursday was nothing too wonderful. it was a good work night.

friday was good too. watchmen & fridays with sharkey. babysitting at night. i think that was all.

today, not too bad. another splendid work day. i did get a check from the state for $354...which is already spent in my head.


other than that, i don't know what to say. so i shall say no more.

pretend i don't notice

so long february.
welcome march?

it's not forever but it's just tonight

my days have been like rollercoasters lately.
all these ups & downs of my moods.

right now, i'm on a down.


i should go to bed soon. i have work at 8am...which sucks. looking at the labels that are i previously assigned my entries, i haven't listened the inara george record in a long time. regardless of the fact that it might make me cry myself to sleep, i think i might have to give it a spin.

every sweetheart on the scene

[Now Playing: Kevin Devine - I can be with anyone]

lately my musical trips have been few & far between. i don't like that fact. but i have somethings coming up that i am super excited about.

here is what's coming up:
03.03 - bess rogers @ red lion
03.04 - manchester orchestra (early show)/anathallo (late show) @ mercury lounge
03.13 - fleetwood mac @ nassau coliseum
03.21 - chris cubeta / bryan dunn @ mercury lounge
03.26 - brian bonz @ johnny brenda's (philly)
04.17 - we're all broken @ maxwell's (nj)
04.24 - kevin devine @bowery ballroom
04.30 - manchester orchestra @bowery ballroom

the only one that i am not sure about is the bess rogers one. but all the other i either have tickets for or have pretty much concrete plans in my mind to go. the two shows in april that are both on fridays are going to be hard to swing with babysitting, but i am going to just have to do it b/c i haven't seen joe's full band outfit yet & it is kevin so it is pretty much obvious that i will be there (& any other shows that pop up around then).

i won't wait for you

[Now Playing: Two Tongues - Tremors]

oddly enough after that last post, today was an unexpectedly splendid day...minus the fact that my visit to target post-work was basically a bust.

sometimes thing don't work
& other times the pieces fit

today everything interlocked pleasantly.

i'll pretend that it's you

i know i don't have a terrible life. i know that things could be way worse. i know that i have friends that love me. i know that i am a good person.

but i hate how a skyline can make hate everything.

the mighty, mighty meadow

(i am home now, this was written while i was babysitting. enjoy?)

so yesterday i didn't have too much to do during the day. actually i had nothing to do during the day. i sat around. in the evening, there was more on my plate. i went to dinner with sharkey, michelle & lauren. we had a fun time roaming the island. apparently thursday nights are going to be our go out night. i think i can handle that. maybe.

today i didn't have too much to do again either. i went to best buy for the second day in a row. thursday night i went to pass time before dinner. i picked up the new thursday record and played some guitar hero to an audience of 4 year olds. today i went and picked up the first bayside album and the new records by two tongues & m. ward. i don't know why, but i have fallen back into the whole buying records thing. i think this is 7 thus far in the month of february. it is good for my collection, but bad for my wallet. and i also saw ms. laura silver. we went to the sands point preserve and walked around. it was a cold day but once we were in the woods, it wasn't too bad. we really need to find a nice day to go. last time it was raining. this time it was freezing. one day we will get this whole hanging outside thing right.

the rest of this weekend is pretty boring & lame. tonight is babysitting. tomorrow is work all day & then babysitting at night. sunday is more work early in the morning. my weekends aren't too exciting that this point in time. maybe one day soon they will start to get exciting again...i hope.

~~~~

alright.
so it is late.
i am tired.
work is in about 8 hours.

adios.

i tried to do handstands for you

i keep starting entries and then leaving them here over night with no urge to finish them during the day.

i need to start finishing these things, or at least find something exciting to say.

not a case of man vs machine

(i have written like four entries to put here but haven't posted any of them. not for any real reason, but more because i get lazy halfway through)

life has been interesting as of late. i have been in & out of moods. some moments i want to curl up & die. then other moments, i am really content. i don't know if this is me being some sort of bipolar or something.

but right now i am kind of happy.
so guess i'm going to roll with that.

always a big mess leftover

everyday i hate you a little more
everyday i know that i don't at all

if we weren't such good friends
i think that i'd hate you.
if we weren't such good friends
i'd wish you were dead.

bahhumbug.

familiar hand on my shoulder

left my house at 6:30pm
back home a little before 3am

it was a queens college kind of night
dinner with one group.
then drinks with another.

i don't really drink but if i did, i would be fucked up right now.
never before has a street corner made me want to drink till i forgot.


oh. and i changed my now playing song. it is perfect for right now.
"You never get used to it. You just have to live with it "

run and don't look back

i have been posting a bunch of videos lately.

you really can't see anything in this one, but all you need to know is that it makes me want to die (which is a good thing).



i owe jackie tons for getting this on tape. after this song, tina turned to me and asked me something like "is he always that intense?" and during certain songs, the answer is basically "yeah." but i could go on & on, so just know that from 2:40 gives me goosebumps every time. i haven't seen kevin in a long time. i miss this & i miss him. i am going to make it my business to go to more than one stop on the next tour.

i need some sort of recipe

i haven't been here in a long while. which i guess is a good thing? i have been working a whole bunch, hanging out with good people, playing a lot of Yoshi Island DS, and other things i guess. apparently the key to keeping me sane is keeping me somewhat busy.

There exists a melody
That just might change your mind
If only I knew the key
To sing to make you mine

i have work soon. but i am going to run out to best buy first & pick up a couple records that are out today. it is always a fun thing to spend money that i really don't have.

this was a choice

i have had this urge to read lately. i don't know why. i do know i don't like to read, so it is a very confusing thing.

i wasn't sure how i would feel about this, but i like it...i mean, it's matt pryor.


my mood is kind of easily swayed. i should probably stop listen to music that can easily fuck with my emotions

i have been thinking a lot about my future lately. to quote sharkey, i am comfortable at the bookstore. i have been putting things off career wise lately b/c i was able to tell myself that it is hard to get an in someplace. but monday morning i was woken up by my old co-op teacher and was told that once i am available, let her know & i will have an subbing job at the school. now i don't have any lie to tell myself on why i should stay at the bookstore. i has been nice the last couple weeks. it is nice to have no real adult like activities. i was in college for 7.5 years. i deserve a break. but i know i should start this whole "being a grown up" lifestyle & have no way to convince my parents otherwise. i still have time to put it all off. however i know i can't carry on this way for ever.

oh, and i was looking at getting an iPod touch. which i can't use on my computer b/c i can't update to iTunes 8. also i can't b/c i don't have a spare 400 dollars to spend on such a contraption. but that isn't really the point. the point is that i want a cool new toy.

speaking of toys, i haven't been able to find my ds for weeks.

speaking of being stupid, i have a feeling i am not showing up to the bonz show tomorrow night because of my apathetic trends lately.

speaking of retardation, jamie being kicked off top chef tonight? fucking bullshit. leah should have been gone a long time ago & i can't believe she is still there.

call a loser all for a fix

i wish i was strong.
or at least stronger.

feels like a tourist

i wish i was eloquent.

soon she won't be real either

after her reading this blog thing that i do, sharkey informed me that i can't be sad anymore. noted.

today was a lazy day. i caught myself thinking a little too much & i kind of regret it now. it kind of bummed me out (not the same thing as being sad). sometimes i just get tired of the bullshit, tired of living life as an asshole.

when it comes to myself, my definition of being an asshole is as follows: basically just putting myself out there knowing that i won't be getting anything back. i've lived my whole life this way more often than not. i guess there is part of me that knows that i can't win someone over with just what i have to offer on the outside. i guess it is my way of uselessly trying to have charm. but it fails, everytime. which is why i am still all alone.

but i'm not sad.
not with sharkey & good tunes by my side

i still find you dashing

up watching the special on PBS at 2am
plus amy sedaris is the narrator? joy!

sometimes life isn't so bad.



then again, sometimes it is.

you'll never catch us

i have to leave for work in an hour and a half. so i have just been wandering around my room, straightening up without really cleaning anything. i found some old cards...yeah those kind. i was looking at some of them. thinking about old relationships is a real mind fuck. but looking at them made me both sad & happy. sad because i miss that type of companionship, that type of love, that type of bond. but happy because it was a terrible type of companionship, type of love, type of bond. my mom bought a shredder recently. i might have to put it to good use soon.

reading the cards also made me think of the life i used to have & the life i have now. it made me think of my friends. and how two years ago i really didn't have anyone. now i have some of the greatest groups of people from all aspects of my life...work, school, music, career (yes, career is in there even though i don't have one yet).

someone else would hear me

last night was a fun time out with laura & becca. we got some thai food, went to rockwood for a massive local correspondents show & then went to mercury lounge for my first pablo show since june 2007. it was a good but weird night.

i bought some seedless red grapes this morning. so yummy.

apparently i twitter now. i don't know why i started. mostly to keep up with my peoples. but i might start using it frequently. why not, you know? another space on the internet to take over.

pattern must be destroyed

work was same ol' but it was a good day.

i'm spending my night watching rock of love: tour bus, reading some magazines and listening to some tunes.

i haven't done this in a bit
but here is is again...

sunday: work & then hanging around the house
monday: sleeping in!! & then show hopping in the city
tuesday: work 5-close
wednesday: work 4-close
thursday: work 4-close
friday: no babysitting!!
saturday: work 8-4 & going to jessi's show

(a nice lunch with chissy should be happening before work some day this week. it will occur whenever i am not lazy or when the mood strikes me)

tomorrows show hopping includes a mega local correspondent show at rockwood and then pablo at mercury lounge? it might prove to be an interesting night, but a least i'll have laura & maybe becca by my side.

nothing lasts forever

i sort of overslept for work. & i have spent my evening watching tool academy, drinking tea, eating waffles and downloading ray lamontagne.

i have also decided to actively not be an asshole anymore
it doesn't pay off and in the end i'm still all alone.

a couple weeks ago someone told me not to give up. and i said back to them, without missing a beat that i won't ever give up, but i am just done trying. it is sad & depressing, but it is what it is. no matter how much i have learned over the last couple years, it is never fun crying yourself to sleep and it is the pits not being wanted. sometimes i feel it is no one's fault but my own that my life has ended up in the place it has. i see happy couples and i am sad i'm alone. i hear about break-ups and i am glad to be single.

i guess it is a double edged sword no matter which way you swing it.

(i think i might have, even cryptically, said too much)