that's okay, she don't want the world

I'm currently in the starbucks in Penn station. when I am out late I always either just make or just miss the train I want to take home. this time as the subway doors opened at 12:19, I said to myself (or maybe even outloud) "the train is pulling out of the station right now."

as I was on the platform waiting for the R (or any train to come for that matter) I started thinking. I used to spent a lot of time on the R train (or any other train with a yellow cirlce on it for that matter). and if I wasn't taking it, a certain someone else was. 

and when we met each other anything could happen. and a lot of things did. this is super cryptic, but the point of it all is that those three years really took over my life. at times, it was good. and at times, it was bad. in the end, it began to be more bad than anything else.

it has been another three and a half years since we were last together (I can count on one hand the amount of times we have seen each other since and still have one finger leftover).  so much has happened since then. I can honestly say I am a better person now than I was then. would the relationship last if I was in it today? I hope not. it was likely the most toxic relationship I will ever be in, friendship or romanticly. i lost a lot of my life in that span of time, but what I gained after is something more than I could have asked for. 

I would have never made friends with those people I met at concerts. (and these are some of the people who get me the most. music to me is more than pretty much everything. and these people get that. I can make a face at these people and they know the things that I am feeling because they feel it too...sometimes they are the only ones who I know will get it. also, through them I was able to get to know one of the people who's music hits me deeper than any other.)

I would never have met my new set of college friends. (be it in my education classes or that one drama class, I found people who can help me not fail a class or to make fun music videos with. I've watched them get married or date tug boat captains.  regardless of what we are doing, these are people I will know my whole life...even if it takes us forever to actually make plans to see each other) 

I would have never worked at barnes & noble and met my new crew. (this one is the newest group, but that makes it no less important or any less amazing. I spend more hours in that store than I should, but I have found people that make those 40hrs a week a little less aggravating. they are people had helped me open up myself more than I ever have in the past. so even in the gross corprate conglomerate that I work under, I am able to come out of it a upgraded version of myself...even if I am a mean girl now.)

I don't know of this is where I intended this entry to go (actually I know that it is nowhere close) but i am almost home and almost out of battery on the iPod (the 20% left notice has been pushing through on and off since woodside).

so it's 1:59, i'm passing through manhasset and I'm going to let Sarah McLachlan sing me home.