Light , Breathable

[Now Playing] Patti Smith & Kevin Shields - The Coral Sea (Disc 1)

so it's 2:30am.

last night i didn't get to sleep until after 6:30am. this whole closing thing really isn't working out for me. last semester, it was basically all that i did. but it was really all because of my class schedule. but starting mid-may, i was an opener...or at least i was at work by noon. it was annoying at first, but i began to like it.

lately i have been closing and i don't like it. ever since i can remember, nights haven't been good to me. when i was a senior in high school, my health teacher got me a christmas present. it was a journal. i filled it within two months. i wrote a journal full of bad high school poetry in that span of time. every single entry was written after the sun went down. my thoughts would keep me up, so i put the thoughts down.

i don't write nearly as much anymore. the last thing that i wrote was weeks ago. the last thing that wasn't total shit, i wrote in june of '07. but when i used to write with any consistency, i kept the book under my pillow. it was a really shitty place to keep something like that. that wasn't really a private place. but that was a convenient place. i would lay down and while i was getting comfy, i would place a hand under my pillow. feeling the book would make me think - i should write. and i did. again, all that came out was totally displaced teen discomfort.

even now, i'm a hack. i don't think it does anything for me besides having me capture the shit in my head. it doesn't make it go away. it doesn't help me work it out. i'm a completely private person when it comes to what i really feel. even this, i'm typing out my thoughts. but it really isn't anything. nothing is clear. all the outside person knows is that i used to write. i'm the queen of the cryptic. to get something out of me is hard. i've been cornered before. literally. actually by that same health teacher mentioned above (which leads into stories i don't have the energy for this late at night)

i don't know where this was heading, nor am i too sure where it is now. i guess maybe that is part why i don't talk. i lose track of myself. i am a rambler. i talk & talk to try and work through and explain everything i just said. and then i ramble even more to explain away my explanations. that brings it all back to over thinking.

and i don't know, but i just got too tired to write anything else. i don't know if it is me, what i have been talking about or just listening to patti smith's spoken word. either way, i'm going to stop.

The sky is getter lighter

did you know that the steve harvey show is on at 4:39 on sunday mornings?



well now you do.

despite certain crazy memories that are linked to this television program, i really do like this show. it doesn't air at the most convenient times (obviously) but when i do watch it, it is super comical.

Again? No way...

i just pulled into the parking lot for work and that damn Sarah Harmer song came on again. i fucking don't get it. i think my iPod is trying to ruin my life. but still, i listened to it all and sang along the whole time.

tomorrow i will be seeing the lovely leslie feist. actually let me restate that. if i can go to sleep soon, then wake up at 4am & get a cab in time to get me to the 5:08 train - i will be going to bryant park to see feist perform on good morning america.



helen couldn't go & it is super last minute, so i will be going by myself. i'm kind of bummed about it but it will be ok. i do so much by myself and as long as my ipod lasts the whole day - i'll be fine. plus i am bringing twilight. perhaps i'll be able to get father into it & perhaps understand the hype.

i woke up at 4:25am. i get dressed and am already to call a cab to pick me up.

then i decide not to go & get right back in my pjs

i really want to see feist, that is no question. but in the end should i really going to be spending a whole bunch of cash to just see her play 2-3 songs. normally i don't think this would bug me. but as i saw the clock tick by, i put less & less action into going. it is better for me to be home and not go crazy. saving is a good thing. or really it is just putting off spending it on something else.

speaking of which, i should probably pay some bills. boo. bills are not as fun as listening to music.

alright. you practice counting. i'm going to bed,

Out in the Hideout

i worked until closing tonight. i haven't really done that in a long while. on the way home, i noticed my ipod had just a little juice left in it so i put it on shuffle and let it guide me. a couple songs in, it gave me Sarah Harmer's "You Were Here"

i have been a fan of her's since junior year of high school. i finally got to see her live at the canal room two years ago. this song has basically made me a hot mess the second it comes on since 2000. i played it over & over. i sang at the top of my lungs. every note was felt in my bones. every note made me want to just die. but i still every note. i am a total masochist.

i create more problems than the world creates for me. is it still all that over thinking? i mean, i'd like to think i like myself. but sometimes i think i hate myself. i put myself into situations that i can't logically figure out. listening to songs that make me feel the way that this one does, isn't right. it makes me think of mistakes and all my foolish ideas.

i don't know. sometimes i just feel like i don't get even close to everything that i deserve to get. i mean i am i really that hideous & unlikeable?

What We Have Done

today was an interesting day. it was good and at the same time it made me feel uneasy. at this point in my life there are two things that get me depressed: drinking and over thinking. it is easy to avoid drinking. usually if i have more than one drink, i get really sad. if i don't get sad, i feel good and then sick. but most of the time it just makes me sad.

over thinking isn't as easy to avoid. i can't tell myself i have to drive, so i can't over think. nor can i tell myself that by over thinking, there is no way i can afford health insurance in the fall. i can over think at the drop of a hat. i did that today. there was no reason to do so either. maybe that is why they call it over thinking, b/c you do way more than you need to. i wish they had over thinking anonymous. or maybe that is just called therapy (which probably doesn't come with the crappy health insurance i am trying to afford)

i wish i was back in middle school sometimes. that is a weird comment for a girl a month shy of 25, but it is true sometimes. i was rather fearless. i didn't think that i was going to be rejected (even though i often was) and i wasn't afraid of fighting back (or specifically pushing someone down and kicking them against a locker...). but now i am not so gungho about things. not that i wouldn't fight for things, but i am more consious about things and how people think about me. i don't do certain things not b/c i am not into doing them, but i am concerned about other people and the reactions that will follow.

i know that that is no way to live. trust me. there are so many people that i envy that are more free and open than i am. i hope that i can one day be that way. but i know that that isn't going to be anytime soon. i once told my only friend of mine that i was taking babysteps. while i am pretty sure that i'm not taking them in the wrong direction, i'm also thinking that they aren't exactly in the right direction either.




while today was interesting, sunday was fantastic.

i had work all day, but then i went to rockwood to see jessi's show. i have been jessi's friend for a while & seen her play for longer and still, everytime i see her perform it blows me away. i guess i forget what kind of voice can come out of her. and sunday night was no exception. it was her cd release show and i was super excited. jessi played with a full band, which i have never seen before. she was amazing and i was just really in awe of what she can accomplish.


i got some pictures and a couple videos.





seriously, check out her stuff. & if you like it, pick up a cd or tell me & i'll get one for you.

Who we are

late saturday night (or come could call it early sunday morning) i started to type something up that i no longer am in the mood to finish. i am going to save it and finish it sometime that is hopefully soon (or actually not b/c i think blogger didn't save the draft).

i kind of have a bunch to say b/c i guess a bunch of stuff has happened...or actually not too much has happened, but i feel like i have a bunch to put into words. i have to pee & am tired so i am going to lay down. tomorrow i have to go to the library & then i am going to put something meaty up here...not that anyone really knows this exists yet.

one point i need to touch upon is that when my sister blew a fuse yesterday, she fucked up my VCR which is what i used to hook up my dvd player to my tv. so right now i am without having law&order: svu episodes on call.

Special Victims Unit

what have i been doing for most of my week? no not working or doing much needed cleaning. i have been watching law & order: svu.



i am on the last episode of disc 3 of season 4 right now. i am probably going to buy season 5 this week. season 6 came out a couple months ago & season 7 comes out on july 29th. it isn't like i haven't seen every single episode or anything. nor does it matter that they do air about 2-4 episodes a day on USA/NBC.

but i don't think that is going to stop me...it's just so good

Flaming Tantrum of Blogging

[Now Playing] The Jealous Girlfriends - Secret Identity (Daytrotter Session)

dinner yesterday was good
- cause jack daniels chicken never disappoints
hana's birthday party was splendid
- except that my feet are covered in bug bites


today i really didn't do much. i find that i am trying to not fill the days that i have off with too much. in a month and a half i am going to be so overbooked that i am going to praise every religous being when there is a day that i can sleep in or go to bed early.

but i did go into the city to see ms. laurie notaro. i was planning on going in really early and walking around. but it was warm & i am lazy. so i took a late train with all the people going to see billy joel at shea (which resulted in a free ride. thanks mta!) i went much later than i thought i was going to go, but i got to the b&n nice & early. i walked around the store a bit. i felt so lost in there - it is i believe 5 floors. even the music dept confused me. i did some little maintence every now and again until my mind reminded me that i don't work at that b&n.

at a little after 7:30 the reading started. she is insanely funny. i hope she writes another book soon so she can come back and i can listen to her talk some more.




tomorrow i get to sleep late b/c i am working 4 to close. maybe i'll catch up on all the laurie notaro books that i haven't read so i can read the new one.

Home Life

for the next three weeks, friends of mine are going on a little tour of the west coast. i want to go. and was hoping that with my non-camp employment i could go, but there is no way i can afford a trip like that. i can barely afford living at home.

but i do have some fun things coming up which include a whole lot of hours at the store (i'm even working five days one of the weeks...yay?) tonight dinner & maybe a birthday party. tomorrow a book signing. and saturday, it is jessi's cd release show at rockwood. i'm so excited for her, i know this has been a long time coming.



i'm going to make sure i have an empty memory card by then so i can record the whole thing. i can't wait to hear the new stuff live & with a full band. ::excited&happy dance::

Flavor of the Weak

i have become a rather independent person.

ever since i moved back home from stony brook, i have had to do things on my own. i live someplace where i really don't have any friends (except when tina doesn't live in california and when laura doesn't live in england). blame it on no one coming home after college. blame it on going to commuter school. blame it on her. regardless, it is a fact. and honestly, it isn't too bad. i feel that is has made me mature more than if i would have been surrounded by people i have known since i was 12. i now do so much on my own that i would never have done before (except going to the movies alone, i did it once & didn't like it). the friends i do have don't live too close to me. which makes seeing them more like a special treat.

in the past year or so, my friend numbers have grown much larger. from going to shows, from having a close group of classmates, from my new job. and i like it. b/c i feel like i am a new person and the me that i was before isn't there. i turn 25 in almost a month. it is weird. but it has resulted in me coming closer to the person that i am supposed to be. i am not there yet, i know. there are things holding me back and i need to over come them. but once i am done with school and begin teaching, i feel like i will be a whole lot closer to figuring out at least how i can get to the right place.



i also realize sometimes how weak i am.
today my friends was one of those days

To pass time in idleness

I've spent the greater part of the day today either watching Law & Order: SVU (either my dvds or on regular tv) or futzing around with my cds. I had the day off and that is basically what i do with my time. It isn't really an exciting life that I lead when I only work three or four days a week. At least I am babysitting Friday and Saturday night. It will give me something to do with my time, and I'll be getting paid as well.

Something that I am excited about is that I'm going to go see Laurie Notaro next Wednesday, July 16th. She is having a reading/signing at some Barnes and Noble in the city. I have only been to one other book signing and that was for Margaret Cho a couple years ago. I requested the whole day off, so I am going to go into the city in the middle of the day and just walk and roam around. I need a day like that due to the twists and turns life has been giving me. So I am excited. I just hope it isn't going to be too warm of a day. I don't want to melt.

I have to be up for work in a bunch of hours, so I am going to lay down, turn on my iPod and try to get some needed rest.

The point is - you're a rasist

Today, I still feel kind of good about myself.

Woke up (too) early this morning, went to b&n to pick up my mom's book, went to target and almost bought a handful of cds, went to staples, got a yummy donut and then went home.

I was going to go to the library to upload my videos from Brian's show at Mercury Lounge last week, but they were closed. Damn them for having summer hours.

The rest of the day will be spent cleaning and watching "Strangers with Candy" (which i just picked up this morning)


I have the complete series set on dvd. It is off-beat, but it's one of my favorite shows.

and then at 9pm, I Love Money premieres on VH1. It is so bad, but i can't help myself.

Keep on Truckin'

today was a nice day
i felt rather good about myself.

i have a feeling that tomorrow i am going to make me feel sad about myself. it all depends on what time i wake up.

I've never been a big fan of fireworks.

[Now Playing] Right Away, Great Captain - In All The Unholy Bathrooms


I mean they are pretty when they are done professionally, I'll give you that one. But when I am sitting in my room and i hear them popping in various parts of my neighborhood, they annoy me. Every year, the loverly people who live at the corner of my block basically take control of the intersection (if you live at the dead end like I do - you either come home before the son goes down or you're driving over a lot of crap). I never went down to watch. I always wanted to, but I never did. The one year I did. It was nice at first but then I got bored fast. It was really loud. Loud things you light on fire? Wow, so exciting.

I spent my fourth of July:
- eating an Enormous Omelet Sandwich
(i was so full, i didn't eat until 3pm)
- doing laundry
(so i have clothes for tomorrow)
- watching DVDs
(Serial Mom & Hard Candy)
- hanging out at barnes&noble
(not the one i work at)
- purchasing a Pro flickr account.
(now you can see all my 900 photos)

and, my friends, that was more fun than lighting things on fire. well more fun than hanging out at the corner, that's for sure.

Until we disappear...

well i have actually reappeared.

i kind of wanted to start this up again, so why not? i tried to do something cool, but i'm not very cool so it faded oh so quickly. and while i don't know how long this might last, i'm going to give it another shot. i don't have much to do this summer, so i should be able to maintain something constant here. however when student teaching starts again, i can't make any promises.

i'm kind of playing with all the old posts that i have here and seeing what i can do with them since my brief attempt at having a music blog crashed and burned since i never kept up with it. i'll just take out some links and play around with some titles. i still want to write about music (and i will since that is what i care about most anyway) but there will be more random things from my days and thoughts floating around.

so here we go.
lets hope the captain stays fast with the ship
(no more brand new references, i promise)

-katharine