been down one time

there are many things i have tried to quit before but this one isn't hard.

i was talking to hana the other day when i realized something. this entry isn't me pretending that i am over anything. nor is it me sad. it isn't even me reaching out. it is me putting it fully to rest because i really don't care enough about it to hold on.

what are they haunted by

Sunday I went with Sharkey & Tina to see toy story in 3D. the 3D was nothing special, but it was good to finally see it on the big screen.

the previous two days at work were overwhelming. this changeover seemed small before it started but really wih all the changes at work took way more time than Eric or I expected. having today off was a wonderful thing. I needed a break.

last night I had a good mini chat with hana. i normally don't talk about my feelings and fears so it was good to get it out. I am just bummer that it happened in the wee hours of the morning... she had to wimp out and go to sleep since she had work early.

today I didn't do too much. I got the new albums by the gossip and Brandi Carlile. I finished my bag of snickers I've been working on. I'm currently listening to "daisy" and drinking some coffee.

tomorrow I get to sleep in but I don't plan on doing that. I am going to get up at a reasonable time and listen to some of the vinyl I have purchased in the last couple weeks but have yet to hear. I want a turntable in my room. hopefully some day soon that can happen.

anything to make the time fly

days like yesterday are really what count most in life.

looking back it seems so real

according to dictionary.com
quit /kwɪt/ quit or quit⋅ted, quit⋅ting, adjective
1. to stop, cease, or discontinue
2. to depart from; leave (a place or person)
3. to give up or resign; let go; relinquish
4. to release one's hold of (something grasped).
5. to acquit or conduct (oneself).
6. to free or rid (oneself)
7. to clear (a debt); repay

i don't think i have been more ready to do it, to quit.

i am a firm believer that no one makes a change unless motivated. sometimes, it takes something big. sometimes, it takes something small. sometimes, it takes the most obvious thing in the world. other times it just takes finally excepting failure. that is where i am at.

the most obvious thing could be hanging on a sign on the pink elephant in the room, and i might still pass it by. but sometimes the elephant can't be avoided anymore. sometimes the hurt is larger than the elephant. sometime i have to act like the adult i pretty much am at this point.

so here is where i begin to be an adult in this situation.

well, sort of. all i know is the outcome that i need to help me move forward in life. the path i take to get there might not be mature, but neither are the cryptic blog entries that i will continue to type up every other day. but maturity doesn't matter at this point, not with this...not anymore.

because there is only so much avoiding you can do of of reality until you are forced to avoid the fantasy you have created.

we always ignore the biggest things
we swore, we swore we never saw,
so all in all my head is sore...
just ignore the elephant that's hanging around,
and i could be your best friend.
Miracle of 86

i couldn't want you more

on previous blogs i have had (xanga, deadjournal, livejournal) i grew into the habit of making lists when i post rather than actually typing out things. i tink i have grown back into that mode of writing.

- i bought a shit ton of books, cds, dvds & vinyl this week. also in the past month i have gone bonkers with buying crap. i am going to have to go on a shopping freeze so i can catch up with myself & actually pay attention to what i bought. i hate having cds still in the plastic. the rest of june is going to have to be very boring so i can at least say i put all that money to good use.

- all this friday shopping proved to be a good distraction to all the crap in my head.

- this weekend is super busy. tomorrow i have work and then chrissy's graduation party out in east bumble fuck. sunday i have off from work and am going to be in new jersey the whole day. i haven't been there in way too long & am more than excited for firepit hangs.

- i have had the new jenny owen youngs record via amie st for a couple weeks now, but having a physical copy is exciting. actually being able to hold it in my hands makes a world of difference. that is why i could never go entirely digital, no matter how expensive it might be. but thankfully i have started to buy used cds. it costs me half as much to have what i would have gotten anyway.

we go past and look at it

any any given moment in my life there is always someone i am pining after that is impossible for me to have. there are many varied situations that this has fallen under with many different people. while painful, it usually turns out alright. i might be still alone, but i have a new brigade of friends. they rarely know i have/had the hots for them. sometimes my friends will tell them after a night of drinking (thanks brigitte) but mostly my they remain clueless.

this is actually for the best because it would ruin everything. they say it is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. my personal motto it that it is better to have loved in the shadows than to have loved and lost. i have great people in my life and i would rather be awkward and have friends than to be awkward and be totally alone.

this was a choice

i have had this urge to read lately. i don't know why. i do know i don't like to read, so it is a very confusing thing.

i wasn't sure how i would feel about this, but i like it...i mean, it's matt pryor.


my mood is kind of easily swayed. i should probably stop listen to music that can easily fuck with my emotions

i have been thinking a lot about my future lately. to quote sharkey, i am comfortable at the bookstore. i have been putting things off career wise lately b/c i was able to tell myself that it is hard to get an in someplace. but monday morning i was woken up by my old co-op teacher and was told that once i am available, let her know & i will have an subbing job at the school. now i don't have any lie to tell myself on why i should stay at the bookstore. i has been nice the last couple weeks. it is nice to have no real adult like activities. i was in college for 7.5 years. i deserve a break. but i know i should start this whole "being a grown up" lifestyle & have no way to convince my parents otherwise. i still have time to put it all off. however i know i can't carry on this way for ever.

oh, and i was looking at getting an iPod touch. which i can't use on my computer b/c i can't update to iTunes 8. also i can't b/c i don't have a spare 400 dollars to spend on such a contraption. but that isn't really the point. the point is that i want a cool new toy.

speaking of toys, i haven't been able to find my ds for weeks.

speaking of being stupid, i have a feeling i am not showing up to the bonz show tomorrow night because of my apathetic trends lately.

speaking of retardation, jamie being kicked off top chef tonight? fucking bullshit. leah should have been gone a long time ago & i can't believe she is still there.

i'm done fooling around

entry number 150.
i don't really have much to say. i have been feeling better about life lately. i know it isn't going to last, but i know that it won't be as bad as it has been. sometimes it takes a real kick in the ass to be able to be ok again. for three years i was in a relationship that would shape the rest of my life. after that was over, i felt like i had a life again. this past summer, i felt human again. but for the last couple months i have felt the effects of being human...all the despair and the heartbreak that goes with it.

but life goes on.
life is good, then it's shitty.
but it does become good again.

so all those nights that i cried myself to sleep since august were not in vain. they have helped me see that life is shit. but at the same time, life isn't too bad at all.

and now some music to make you happy:

look at me, hands in the air

albums i have purchased within the last month:
(in an order that would make them look nice here)


i think i am going to try and purchase one cd a week. that is at least 52 new cds for 2009(for those math dummies reading this). this past year i went up 73 cds, but 21 of them were instore play cds. which oddly enough makes 52. crap. i was trying to have some sort of cool goal to reach. well it is better than 2007's total of 36. maybe i will set a goal of 5 cds a month, or basically 60 within the year (however it works out monthly). that is doable, right? i did 52 last year without even trying.

and yes, i do log this stuff. i started keeping track october 2005. i remember where i got all of my cds, but i can't recall when before then, so i log as i go. i also keep track of the shows i go to. it is my selective OCD coming through...music and parking.


anywho...
when i was babysitting i was talking to the wonderful jessica perry. and i started to think about life. i have graduated from college. i have been done for about three weeks. i haven't done anything with my life at all that will lead to me being an adult. i work in a bookstore full time. i haven't been looking for job openings. i haven't been writing a resume. i haven't been putting together a portfolio.

but the thing is that i am fine with that. and i don't know if that is a good thing. i like working full time since it is helping me have money again. i like knowing that i can do things and go places and all i need to do is put a little X in a box to request the time off. i have been in school for 20+ years. i want a break from that life. i want to be able to not be the adult i technically should be. i want to go to shows. i want to hang out. i want to spend money.

i always thought that i would be jumping into this. i have friends who are...friends who are in grad school, who are on interviews. but i will be found welcoming customers into their local barnes and noble five days a week. i will be found in central jersey eating wawa around a firepit. i will be at a bar/venue on a school night. i will be driving around junction blvd looking for real mexican food.

i had a taste of life a while back.
i have a craving for it once again.

i'm just a boy with a new haircut

i haven't posted anything here in almost a week. christmas has come & gone. i have been working a whole bunch. days that i have work are basically all the same (expect for lunch with sue yesterday. that was a pleasant change in my pattern)

i didn't work today. here is today's story...

i woke up pretty late for me. 10am. lately i have been waking up earlier and earlier. i don't know if it is because of getting used to waking up early or not, but i now seem to wake up ~9am all on my own. but today it was around 10am. so i got up, checked my computer and then went down stairs for some eggo treats. i was planning to into the city to get my haircut today. when i woke up & saw snow out on the ground, i started to not want to go. snow is cold. but since i already had a partner in crime for my outing, i could back out. that sounds like complaining, but it isn't. i always tell myself that i am going to do things and then i back out of them. i should have gotten a haircut months ago, but i put it off. even last time i went, i was outside of the haitcuttery and almost left. so making plans with someone is a good thing.

after planning and taking my time, i make it to laura's house. i leave my car in her driveway and then we make our way to the 12:40 train (after first planning to take the 11:40). after we get in, our first stop is S'MAC. i think i have found my mecca. a place that only serves mac and cheese is a place that i can stand behind. i got the cheeseburger one and was more than pleased. if i lived in the area i would go there too often and would probably die from either cheese overload or a heart attack...which ever came first.

then it was off to astor hair. it is a nice cheap place that cuts my hair quite well most of the time that i go. this time i wasn't too pleased. it doesn't look ugly, but it isn't anything good. i told the woman that i wanted it cut to my chin and choppy in the back. she only followed the first half of my request. i have been to this place a total of 4 times and have had 4 different people cut my hair. the first time was amazing. the third time was really stellar. and the second and this time was nothing special at all. my mom has done better jobs in my kitchen than these people have done in a saloon. i'm kind of upset that i paid money for something and didn't get at all what i wanted. so i am going to have to either live with it or get it fixed. and i think, depending on how it looks tomorrow when i am leaving for work, that i am going to have to go to someone to make it look better.

another point of my outing today was to go to american apparel. i finally got my purple hoodie. i have been dying for one for way too long. i finally gave in and purchased one. i am wearing it now and i couldn't be happier (it makes me feel better because i am not thinking about my hair). i also went to the gap and got this great sweater for only $20. i charged way too much today, but it was all worth it.

barely made the train home b/c i needed a hot beverage (the new salted caramel hot chocolate at starbucks is possibly the greatest thing on earth). someone left their phone on the train and i was a good person and called their 'home' number. i left it at the station house and the guy said that he will pick it up tomorrow. i'm a good person. plus there is karma. and with my luck, it would have kicked my ass if i didn't do the right thing. but really i did what i would have hoped someone would have done for me.

so now i am home and that is all. no new years celebration for me. all i am going to do is upload some pictures from today, perhaps some laundry and watch kathy griffin & anderson cooper ring in the new year. laura invited me to go out with her and her boy tonight to some party, but i have work at 10am, so that limits whatever fun i might have been able to have.

i am going to go pout about my hair some more & play some ds

this is not routine

i think i have time to actually write something & am totally in the mood to do so. this might be long depending on how long i feel like writing, what i have to say and when my mom calls me for dinner. i am sorry, but pasta & sauce really trumps blogging.


right now life is pretty ok. i mean there isn't too much going on. school is done. as in - i have finally finished. i am no longer an undergrad. this took 7.5 years, but it has happened. it doesn't feel like it though. i mean i know that i am done but it feels like a break, not completion. then again that is all it really is. i have to start grad school in fall 09. and then i have to take 175 hours of classes every 5 years after that. so really it is just one chapter of schooling that is done. i still have ~30 years left of learning left to do. shit, when you put it that way it is no longer too exciting.

my life now is all about retail and eventually subbing. i had the thought the other day that i am going to get stuck in the retail business. this week and next i will be working five days a week. this will probably continue until i tell eric not to schedule me that anymore. i can't start subbing until february. which is oddly ok. it makes me nervous to begin that whole chapter. i have been getting really scared about it lately. i don't know why. i have friends who have been really diving head first into it. and i am not. i am kind of relieved. it is natural to be nervous, but i know that if i don't start, i am never going to actually start. i know that this is what i am good at and what i want to do, so hopefully it will all fall into place.

other than that, there isn't much to tell. tina is home, so we hang & play music often. laura is in india, so i miss her. i see other friends sporadically and it is always wonderful. i've been talking to some new folks, but they tend to disappear after a while. i am used to being alone at this point so i just try to not get too excited about anything. my heart is in no shape to get all worked up about something that won't develop into anything substantial.

alright i have run out of words & am kind of hungry. i'm going to go check on the status of dinner & hope things are coming along well.

we'll all float on

it is almost thursday.
i'm so excited for the week to end

one week away from being totally done
(minus having to go back for the 16th)

then i can work again & have money like a normal human being.

found safety in this loneliness

ever since i got home from work
the day has been totally crappy

i have a lovely date with ms. helen
tomorrow night, so life will be good

but to help make me feel better right now,
here are some pictures from the other night.
(none of brian, but i did get a glorious video)








oh & black friday was alright.
no laptops at 5am at the store
it was just like a busy saturday

there's just one thing I got

in response to the description my last post...the last thing that happens to me is that my lips tense up. i think it is another measure to prevent myself from crying. i push my lips together and kind of bite on my lip.

i found this out last night.
it didn't work because i was a mess.



either way, today was an alright start to a nutso busy week.
sunday - work, meeting
monday - teaching, seminar, maybe a little bit of work.
tuesday - teaching, solo show in brooklyn
wednesday - teaching, work
thursday - thanksgiving
friday - work, babysitting
saturday - work, a wonderful date with ms. galarza


but now sleep...teaching pretty early in the morning.

you move awfully quiet now

i'm almost a month away from being done with school
and a month and a halfish from graduating college

i have a feeling life is going to get amazingly
better or be horribly worse once i graduate.




all i know is that i am super broke right now and it sucks.
cause that means all the things i want to do this week...

mon - dinner with friends from school
tues - kevin devine & brian bonz at tcnj
friday - colour revolt at highline ballroom

are probably not going to get accomplished.

i'm also not babysitting this weekend and my paycheck is going to be super low next friday since i only worked three days last week. boo.

You & me have seen everything to see

it has been a while. been super busy & really haven't thought about this lovely place much. work and school has really taken over my life & time. my final observation at student teaching was today. three A's and i feel so happy. i am almost a month away and can't be happier to be done. i am going to miss my kids, but i am ready to be out there in the real world.

tuesday was the election of all elections, in my life time at least. i have never really been into politics, but i have paid much more attention this time around. it feels nice to be somewhat informed. too bad everyone else doesn't feel that way.

the other side of this

[Now Watching]VH1 - Rock of Love: Charm School

tonight i felt lonely.

but tomorrow is monday, so everything starts again. hopefully that means i will be wayy too busy to stay lonely.



i didn't go food shopping today. i really don't want another pb&j for lunch. hopefully i wake up early enough to figure something else out...but i doubt i will.

while the night is still ahead

life has seemed more busy in the past week or so than it has in a long time. but i really can't figure out where all the time has gone.

i just found $6.
i am super broke, so i am super excited about that.

i just realized that i don't know where my ticket is for kevin & saves friday night. i should probably look for that, right?

wont you let me let you let go

[Now Playing] Koufax (i don't know what song, i'm just letting the cd play)

looking at the calendar and counting days made me realize how pathetic of a human being i am.

i have a negative amount of money, seriously, but i am determined to go out this weekend. i have brief ideas for friday & sunday nights, but at least a meal with helen seems very likely for monday.

i am going out to lunch later with my mom & the athletic trainer from my high school year. i'm super excited. i haven't seen kristen in years. it should be a good time as long as my mom doesn't expect me to pay.

your life is still switched on

"Don't be a pussy. Commit."

when i was driving home today, there was some guy on the road with his directional on. i wasn't sure if it was left on by accident or it was because he was trying to change lanes. then i saw him start to drift from the lane we were in into the next one. you could then tell that he wasn't sure about if it was ok to do so, so he switched back into our lane. i think eventually he made it over to where he wanted to be. but out loud, all i could say was the above statement.

and then i kind of started to drift my thoughts to myself. i want to change myself. but i feel like at this point in my life it is hard. i am busy with school and work but other than that my life is pretty empty. and i don't have the time to actively try and fill it. i am really looking forward to graduating. not only to be done with school, but to have my life open up. i feel really overwhelmed with my life as is. i'm packed full of things to do but in a way so not motivated to do any of them. i want to be done so my life can feel real...because right now i feel like a fake version of myself.