maybe less pushing would be good

this is post number 300.

i remember i called attention to entry number 150. funnily enough it was one year and a day ago. it was an entry not about feeling ok, but more about feeling better. at that point i was hurting pretty badly. but now i'm not. it is funny what a year can do or what a shift in situations can do. i would say for the 4-6 months, my life has felt ok. i rarely have been able to say that honestly but it has finally been true.

it hasn't been one person or one situation that is making me feel this way...but i think it has just been a general shift in me feeling better about my life and who i am.

it might be temporary, it might be semi-long lasting. all i know is that i am going to ride this wave as long as i can.

and i posted a video at 150 for what i felt then. this video was from a night that felt beyond perfect...even though the side of my face is in this way more than it should be (thanks becca).

you'll never catch us

i have to leave for work in an hour and a half. so i have just been wandering around my room, straightening up without really cleaning anything. i found some old cards...yeah those kind. i was looking at some of them. thinking about old relationships is a real mind fuck. but looking at them made me both sad & happy. sad because i miss that type of companionship, that type of love, that type of bond. but happy because it was a terrible type of companionship, type of love, type of bond. my mom bought a shredder recently. i might have to put it to good use soon.

reading the cards also made me think of the life i used to have & the life i have now. it made me think of my friends. and how two years ago i really didn't have anyone. now i have some of the greatest groups of people from all aspects of my life...work, school, music, career (yes, career is in there even though i don't have one yet).

i'm done fooling around

entry number 150.
i don't really have much to say. i have been feeling better about life lately. i know it isn't going to last, but i know that it won't be as bad as it has been. sometimes it takes a real kick in the ass to be able to be ok again. for three years i was in a relationship that would shape the rest of my life. after that was over, i felt like i had a life again. this past summer, i felt human again. but for the last couple months i have felt the effects of being human...all the despair and the heartbreak that goes with it.

but life goes on.
life is good, then it's shitty.
but it does become good again.

so all those nights that i cried myself to sleep since august were not in vain. they have helped me see that life is shit. but at the same time, life isn't too bad at all.

and now some music to make you happy:

voices out of nowhere

i haven't slept more than a half an hour since i woke up friday morning at 10:30ish.

that isn't a complaint.
i actually feel really good.