maybe less pushing would be good

this is post number 300.

i remember i called attention to entry number 150. funnily enough it was one year and a day ago. it was an entry not about feeling ok, but more about feeling better. at that point i was hurting pretty badly. but now i'm not. it is funny what a year can do or what a shift in situations can do. i would say for the 4-6 months, my life has felt ok. i rarely have been able to say that honestly but it has finally been true.

it hasn't been one person or one situation that is making me feel this way...but i think it has just been a general shift in me feeling better about my life and who i am.

it might be temporary, it might be semi-long lasting. all i know is that i am going to ride this wave as long as i can.

and i posted a video at 150 for what i felt then. this video was from a night that felt beyond perfect...even though the side of my face is in this way more than it should be (thanks becca).

maybe we’ll get out somehow

another night in Penn station, another night sharing a table in starbucks with a stranger. another little blog typed on my touch.

it was another great night seeing the get up kids and Kevin Devine. I was a lumberjack. it really wasn't an amazing costume, but it was last minute and all I had to buy was my hat. and it was half off and will serve me well in the upcoming months when I am going to be shoveling my driveway and the walk.

my outfit did resemble the dreaded hipster uniform. and also in a dreaded form, I think I enjoy it. I might have to invest in a button up plaid shirt or two. first i wore my emo sweater last night and now this? damn me!

half of the fun of my night was looking at everyone else's costumes. my top three favorite ones in order of greatness:
1: Quail Man in Irving Plaza
2: the abundance of contestants from Legends of the Hidden Temple that I saw everywhere from union square, a bar and in the venue.
3: Nightman (circa The nightman cometh)

also the bands on stage were great. the opening band was zz top, Kevin and the band were mummies (but Kevin was a mommy) and then the Get Up Kids were all the characters from the Wizard of Oz. I was disappointed that there were so many non dressed up peoples. I am not a huge Halloween person, but I think if you go out, you shoul at least do something.

completely random point: my feet hurt. sitting down feels amazing. now I have no desire to move. but in ~8 minutes I am going to have to. boo.

...

so it's over an hour later, I'm still on the train. I'm so tired and can't wait to get into my pajamas. my head hurts, my eyes are begging to be closed for a long period of time and my feet can't wait to be free of my chucks.

i just put on mariah carey's "always be my baby"...I don't know, it is just one of those songs that I will always love. I really need to make a good list of songs that are guilty pleasures, those songs that make you lose any degree of coolness because you geek out so hard.

that is one mix I going to have to make on cassette so I can play it in my car no matter what. get ready, the wheels are turning on this one...

right now it is 1:09 for the second time today, does that mean there would have been another 1:19 train in penn leaving in 10 minutes? damn I hope not. cause then o would have been able to stay at the venue later than I did. boo.

two more stops from home. this is where I was yesterday when I ended this, so maybe i'll end it here again. I'm not sure who I should have sing me through the rest of the way, but right now I have monty python's lumberjack song entertaining me.

If they ask me, I'm with you

i just found my irving plaza ticket for get up kids and kevin devine on Halloween. that saved me having to lie to live nation for about 20 minutes tomorrow morning. it is going to be a magical weekend with two great shows with two great bands with so many fabulous friends.

I also finally got Jeff Buckley's "Grace"on vinyl. if my two Liz Phair albums don't come in the mail tomorrow, I'm going to start taking away starts on someone's eBay feedback. 

i dream of living a different life

life as of late has been pretty ok.

tuesday night was spent with my girls in asbury park. i ate surf taco & saw pablo. my vagrant records order should be arriving tomorrow as long as UPS is operating in a timely fashion. my upgraded ipod touch was ordered yesterday when i got home from work. it is engraved (with a kevin quote of course) & currently on it's way from china. it should arrive maybe tuesday. saturday brings beer garden fun for vera's bday. even though i don't drink beer, this should be a fun occasion.

but i have been in moods lately. yesterday at work, i was out of it all day & moving super slow. i have been getting lost in my thought processes. i have been getting agitated super easily. i am apathetic yet i care way too much. i feel like a big mush ball.

hopefully this weekend picks things up for me. and if it doesn't, i'm going to The Nightman Cometh Live on wednesday with tina. if that can't cheer me up and make me pee my pants from laughter, then nothing will & i'm a lost cause.

doesn't matter who's on the line

jackie finally posted her west chester videos. if you ever wonder what in my life keeps me going, so much of it is this man & his music.



bah. so good.

dreamt this dream a thousand times

i have been super busy lately. this week is filled with doing so much & then trying to get some rest.

day three of my birthday week was spent in west chester, pa. i could always write volumes about going to kevin shows, so i try not to. those shows are always something that i don't think i could ever explain to someone who doesn't really get it.

but the long & short of it is that i drove out there with jess & bex. we met up with kinja. i got a bangin' chicken hero thing. we finally found jackie. fred mascherino was really good live, but i have always loved him since breaking pangaea. kevin's was beyond amazing. i didn't get my song ("the three you asked for...i don't even know") but this box is empty & confessional was worth the trip & more.

we did pub on the way home. i love that place. it is just a diner but it somehow feels like more. i guess it is that pavlov's dog association type deal. it is always the post pennsylvania show hang where we reflect or just try to be revived from the death music can cause. we left, got back to piscataway & then i drove home. i pulled up to my house at 5:15. it was a full day and it was everything i could have hoped for & more.


day four of my birthday week was spent driving all over the island. hana & sharkey joined me seeing nightmare of you's instore performance at looney tunes. i enjoy them a lot. live they aren't always a winner to me. it isn't that they are bad, they sound good, but it doesn't hit me like other acts do. while i was there, i picked up their album that came out the day before. it is very lovely. they rerecorded two of their early demos. they sound good and i'm happy to have better quality of two of my favorite songs of theirs.

i also got a cd by the gay blades. it is outstanding. this is one i am going to pass around & makes sure everyone listens to. i saw the lead singer play an accoustic set when i was at looney tunes for record store day. i was impressed but never picked up the album. since i was finally out in east bumblefuck again, i thought it was time. i'm happy i found it & it rocks pretty hard.

after our looney tunes experience was over, it was diner & a long ass movie hang in sharkey's basement. i left my house at 4:30pm & then i got home at 3:30am. needless to say i was pooped.


day five of my birthday week was spent seeing blondie/pat benatar/the donnas in a park at coney island. i loaded my car with snacks & popcorn chicken and then headed over to hana's place. we loaded her car with food, drinks & lawn chairs and we were on our way. we were there super early but it ended up being good becasue we got a nice spot & things filled up super quickly. the two hours before was filled with super amounts of people watching. laura showed up just in time for the show. two fights almost broke out behind us during the donnas. pat benatar was great live & totally played the jams. seeing blondie made me so happy. debbie harry looked so old rocking out...but even at 64, she was phenomenal.

i always want to see acts that i haven't seen but i know i should see before they are at that stage where they don't play anymore. earlier this year i saw fleetwood mac, and last night i knocked two more acts off my list.


today is day six, but all i am probably going to do is hang around. i was going to go out shopping like i normally do onmy fridays off...but i haven't showered yet & don't feel like rushing around so i am back by babysitting. then again, i might get some boost of energy & leave my humble abode.

all the couples have gone

i think i am going to listen to 'brother's blood' tonight until sleep thankfully takes over me.

then tomorrow, i look forward to a chinese food lunch date with sue.

----------------
Now playing: Regina Spektor - Poor Little Rich Boy
via FoxyTunes

the sound of you working

i went to bed not too long after that post last night.
this morning i woke up a little after 5am. bizarre.

there are a couple albums/artists that i have been playing a shit ton lately...city & colour, bess rogers, jenny owen youngs. and i need to change my Now Playing song, so one of these lovely people will be getting that spot. i'm not entirely sure who will be getting it though (but it's not city & colour, because i'm not that depressed right now)

both jenny & bess are great, but i think this one is going to go to the lovely Bess Rogers. her new EP is great. i downloaded it off itunes the other day, but i need to get a physical copy of it.

in other music news, today i have acquired some tickets for concert experences:
august 9th - blink182/falloutboy/takingbacksunday at jones beach (totally lol-worthy)
august 11th - kevin devine at the note in west chester, pa
october 31st - the get up kids/kevin devine at irving plaza (boo. i wanted brooklyn)
november 28th - brandnew/glassjaw(!!)/tba special guests at nassau colesieum

there are a bunch of shows coming up the next couple weeks too. there is a little thing in the side bar for the whole list. i totally forgot about planning for the blondie/pat benatar show. tina reminded me when we were on the phone. i am getting excited again for it (even though i would like to be at the tori amos show maybe a little more). i guess that means more vacation days at work are being taken off.

no one else's problem

you get back here, you do it slowly
do it calm, now. don't be so angry
i've got something i've been chasing
every day since i started walking

it just sits there in the distance
always flirts with the tips of my fingers
and you thought that you could love it
til it touched you, and now you just wanna stop it

well i'm sorry, it's not likely
it was here when you got here
and it'll be here when you're not here no more

then some days i get lucky
i can focus and things are less shakey

i scrape you off the pale moon
and i slip you into soft shoes
and you tap dance to a jazz band
on a cruise ship off near an island
your hairs up, you wear a short dress
and a wide smile, your movements are careless

it's a day dream i've been having
to make the clocks move while i'm working
or a bad joke i can't sit through
but i smile cause i feel like i have to

but if you'd look under the table
you'd see i'm playing with my knife
i'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps
and struggling just to come off polite

and we could be a snapshot
framed, and hung like a portrait
and what if that's true,
and i'm the only one who knows it?

Burn down the disco

yesterday was 4 years. it's been a great ride.

for a small piece of sanity

i'm going to philly tonight to see kevin & brian play at northstarbar.


(from the last time i was there to see kevin, i think?)

i can't wait to see the team. it is always a good time when we get together. i told jess that i plan on taking one saturday off a month this summer to go down to do radio & hangs. i didn't go down at all last summer and that made me sad. i mean they did go on tour for most of the summer, but there were other times i could have been there but didn't go. this summer i am definitely taking off more and doing some fun shit.

~

life has been really good as of late. i have seen all of my respective crews lately (minus brigitte & helen, but they left me a nice message the other day which kind of made up for them getting ice cream without me). i have shows coming up. work has been alright, despite the normal gripes. i try not to think about being without "another half" and lately it hasn't been that hard. i've been content with where i am.

the better you sound

over the last 4 yrs this man has changed my life.



tonight was #40. it is impressive i think for someone who never leaves the basic tri-state area for shows. how could i see someone in concert 40 times? it seems silly when i think about explaining it to some people. not everyone can get it. ever since may of 2005, things have been different. it wasn't right away but there was a change.

i have people in my life that i would have never had known if it wasn't for going to shows. jess and becca have become an important part of my existence. it took one statement in the empress dinner to let them know that i was legit...and then there was no turning back. life has been hangs, jams and gravy (literally) since then. there have been many people that have come along with my girls, which have defintiely been some good folks.

and the man himself. very possibly one of the greatest people i know. he is a solid dude who can write some of the best music i have ever heard. tonight i would have been embarassed to watch myself. i was rocking out hard, not holding back. but i didn't care. i was jamming out because eveything that he said, every note his voice hit and every strum from the guitar moved me (yes ladies, even fever moon). there are songs that have made me cry. there are songs that just make me dance. every song hits me in a different way & is real.

i am trying to think of a good way to express these feelings, but i can't think of anything that makes sence out of my head. all i know is that 4 years ago was the release show for split the country, split the streets. tonight was the release show for brother's blood. and in that time kevin has gone from being "some dude openning for john nolan" to a major part of my existence.

i hope this never goes away.
i have a feeling it never will.

so you better move fast

tonight is kevin at bowery. i am legit excited for this. i haven't seen kevin play in what seems like a long time, even though i know that it isn't long for most normal people. i saw this video this morning and it made me think of every kevin show where he plays "no time flat" or anything else that people feel the need to clap in.



i mean i am all about group participation. but you need to know the right and the wrong time. i mean in the song, it is clear when the clapping begins, along with the group singing. i love jenny lewis more because of her clear knowledge of her own song.

and that one fan that you can clearly hear yell "not now!"

i'm missing something big

the more i listen to it, the more i realize how epic the new manchester orchestra album is. even though i think the state of music is definitely on a steep downward path, there are times when i hear something that just changes things.

this record is one of them.

and even though i have listened to it basically everyday since it leaked, the moment i physically get kevin's new record is going to be one of those moments as well.

Music this magnificent & medicine
are one in the same.
They make life worth living,
hearts worth healing
Boys Night Out

run and don't look back

i have been posting a bunch of videos lately.

you really can't see anything in this one, but all you need to know is that it makes me want to die (which is a good thing).



i owe jackie tons for getting this on tape. after this song, tina turned to me and asked me something like "is he always that intense?" and during certain songs, the answer is basically "yeah." but i could go on & on, so just know that from 2:40 gives me goosebumps every time. i haven't seen kevin in a long time. i miss this & i miss him. i am going to make it my business to go to more than one stop on the next tour.

this was a choice

i have had this urge to read lately. i don't know why. i do know i don't like to read, so it is a very confusing thing.

i wasn't sure how i would feel about this, but i like it...i mean, it's matt pryor.


my mood is kind of easily swayed. i should probably stop listen to music that can easily fuck with my emotions

i have been thinking a lot about my future lately. to quote sharkey, i am comfortable at the bookstore. i have been putting things off career wise lately b/c i was able to tell myself that it is hard to get an in someplace. but monday morning i was woken up by my old co-op teacher and was told that once i am available, let her know & i will have an subbing job at the school. now i don't have any lie to tell myself on why i should stay at the bookstore. i has been nice the last couple weeks. it is nice to have no real adult like activities. i was in college for 7.5 years. i deserve a break. but i know i should start this whole "being a grown up" lifestyle & have no way to convince my parents otherwise. i still have time to put it all off. however i know i can't carry on this way for ever.

oh, and i was looking at getting an iPod touch. which i can't use on my computer b/c i can't update to iTunes 8. also i can't b/c i don't have a spare 400 dollars to spend on such a contraption. but that isn't really the point. the point is that i want a cool new toy.

speaking of toys, i haven't been able to find my ds for weeks.

speaking of being stupid, i have a feeling i am not showing up to the bonz show tomorrow night because of my apathetic trends lately.

speaking of retardation, jamie being kicked off top chef tonight? fucking bullshit. leah should have been gone a long time ago & i can't believe she is still there.

soon she won't be real either

after her reading this blog thing that i do, sharkey informed me that i can't be sad anymore. noted.

today was a lazy day. i caught myself thinking a little too much & i kind of regret it now. it kind of bummed me out (not the same thing as being sad). sometimes i just get tired of the bullshit, tired of living life as an asshole.

when it comes to myself, my definition of being an asshole is as follows: basically just putting myself out there knowing that i won't be getting anything back. i've lived my whole life this way more often than not. i guess there is part of me that knows that i can't win someone over with just what i have to offer on the outside. i guess it is my way of uselessly trying to have charm. but it fails, everytime. which is why i am still all alone.

but i'm not sad.
not with sharkey & good tunes by my side

found safety in this loneliness

ever since i got home from work
the day has been totally crappy

i have a lovely date with ms. helen
tomorrow night, so life will be good

but to help make me feel better right now,
here are some pictures from the other night.
(none of brian, but i did get a glorious video)








oh & black friday was alright.
no laptops at 5am at the store
it was just like a busy saturday

cause we care, not for the thrill

tomorrow will be an amazing day...my first real solo show.


it might kill me.
so i might need names to cover my shift wed night at the store

besides massive hangs with the team,
more than anything i am always most excited to see kevin.

it has been a month since cmj, and a month always feels too long when it comes between shows. i have seen kevin perform many times and it is always just as fresh as the first time 3.5 years ago. there is something about him and the music that he plays that gets me every time. as a normal guy, he is probably one of the best dudes that i know. he is always legit and he gets it. as a musician, the music never fails me. there is always some deep emotion that i can get from the words and the notes that he chooses. the same song can make me feel empowered one moment, cry the next, and help everything make sense not far after that. it is just real.

always feel this tall

[Now Watching] Nancy Grace (she is nuts, such a riot to watch)

today was a full day. quite busy but at the same time, not at all.

i had work this morning. had to be at the store at the bright & early time of 8am. it wasn't swamped, but it wasn't dead. so i was keeping busy & the day actually flew by pretty quickly.

i was supposed to go to my cousin's first birthday party, but i had to babysit tonight since i went to the city last night. kind of bummed, but i stop by there all the time. plus she just turned one. she has no idea i wasn't there.

babysitting was good too. they watched star wars. i napped. i know it is hard work but someone has to do it.

when i came home, i finally ordered my tickets to manchester & kevin for the december shows in philly and hoboken. i was worried that they were going to sell out, thankfully that was not true.

& i also felt good about myself today all day today (even when i expected not to). that is a plus as well.



oh and last night was fucking phenomenal (more pics here)


(Moneen is a band you don't need prior knowledge to enjoy)


(kevin was entirely electric & let me see that i'm going to love the new record)


(saves was so good. i'm sad i waited this long to finally see them live)

the night ended with a perez hilton sighting & baked goods.
sometimes life isn't as bad as it normally turns out to be