cloud on my tongue

it isn’t as pretty as you’d like to guess
in your memory, you’re drunk on your awe to me
it doesn’t mean anything at all.

dear jeff mangum,

this fits. it fits more than i'd like to admit.

aeroplane is one of those records i want to share, but i like feeling like it's mine.

come out of your music hiding. you are too brilliant to not be out there counteracting all the crap out there today.

love, katharine.

tried not to make a scene

Yesterday is gone, Yesterday is dead
Get it through your head and walk away
Yesterday is gone
Ain't no use hanging on to her memory
If it only causes you pain

and I'll never show my face again

I will even drive you home
if you never let me forget about you
and if you promise me that
I'm good enough for someone
cause I've got to be good enough for you
someday soon I'll get it right
and then you'll see just how good I can be

my favorite saves the day song.

On the train again movin' away from you

i've been a slacker lately. september will be better, i think. right now i feeling the beginnings of sickness starting to form. so i am going to keep drinking my tea, wait for the meds to kick in & make some raviolis. hopefully i am no longer sickly or just less sickly by the time work comes around...fucking changeover.

so while the water boils...listen to jaymay.



Still, the whole time there's this light
It wont let her say goodnight
Some white beam of hope in the sky
Has her questioning why
Has her constantly tryin' and lyin' inside

decayed from the start

I built you a home in my heart
With rotten wood that decayed from the start
Because you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
...
I'm a war of head versus heart
And it's always this way
My head is weak, my heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say


ok. work in the morning.
time to sleep all these thoughts away.

looking back it seems so real

according to dictionary.com
quit /kwɪt/ quit or quit⋅ted, quit⋅ting, adjective
1. to stop, cease, or discontinue
2. to depart from; leave (a place or person)
3. to give up or resign; let go; relinquish
4. to release one's hold of (something grasped).
5. to acquit or conduct (oneself).
6. to free or rid (oneself)
7. to clear (a debt); repay

i don't think i have been more ready to do it, to quit.

i am a firm believer that no one makes a change unless motivated. sometimes, it takes something big. sometimes, it takes something small. sometimes, it takes the most obvious thing in the world. other times it just takes finally excepting failure. that is where i am at.

the most obvious thing could be hanging on a sign on the pink elephant in the room, and i might still pass it by. but sometimes the elephant can't be avoided anymore. sometimes the hurt is larger than the elephant. sometime i have to act like the adult i pretty much am at this point.

so here is where i begin to be an adult in this situation.

well, sort of. all i know is the outcome that i need to help me move forward in life. the path i take to get there might not be mature, but neither are the cryptic blog entries that i will continue to type up every other day. but maturity doesn't matter at this point, not with this...not anymore.

because there is only so much avoiding you can do of of reality until you are forced to avoid the fantasy you have created.

we always ignore the biggest things
we swore, we swore we never saw,
so all in all my head is sore...
just ignore the elephant that's hanging around,
and i could be your best friend.
Miracle of 86

i'd rather be a mystery

i'm a fake.

not in the terrible way (then again is there a good fake?) but in the way that i have to adjust to my surroundings to get through the day. if i were to say the things i feel or do the things i really wanted, i would be in a different place. my problem is i don't know if that would be a good thing or not.

in every given situation, there is the thing that i did & then something that i wish i would have done. be it the way i would have spoken to this person, the way i would have completed that task or even the way i would have crossed the street.

there is a john mayer quote that has rung true to me since my early days as a freshman in my dorm at stony brook:
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked
I just want to be funny
Look like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

it fits me perfectly. i want to believe that i live my own life, but i don't. i want to impress. i want to be liked. there is nothing wrong with that in theory (i mean even john mayer felt that way), but part of me will forever feel foolish for it.

a sleep that will never come

Sometimes a man must awake
to find that really, he has no one
So i’ll wait for you and i’ll burn.
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
It’s never over, my kingdom
for a kiss upon her shoulder.

i've been just laying in bed & listening to "Live at Sin-E" but i should be cleaning my room because i have family coming. oops?

no one else's problem

you get back here, you do it slowly
do it calm, now. don't be so angry
i've got something i've been chasing
every day since i started walking

it just sits there in the distance
always flirts with the tips of my fingers
and you thought that you could love it
til it touched you, and now you just wanna stop it

well i'm sorry, it's not likely
it was here when you got here
and it'll be here when you're not here no more

then some days i get lucky
i can focus and things are less shakey

i scrape you off the pale moon
and i slip you into soft shoes
and you tap dance to a jazz band
on a cruise ship off near an island
your hairs up, you wear a short dress
and a wide smile, your movements are careless

it's a day dream i've been having
to make the clocks move while i'm working
or a bad joke i can't sit through
but i smile cause i feel like i have to

but if you'd look under the table
you'd see i'm playing with my knife
i'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps
and struggling just to come off polite

and we could be a snapshot
framed, and hung like a portrait
and what if that's true,
and i'm the only one who knows it?

i'm missing something big

the more i listen to it, the more i realize how epic the new manchester orchestra album is. even though i think the state of music is definitely on a steep downward path, there are times when i hear something that just changes things.

this record is one of them.

and even though i have listened to it basically everyday since it leaked, the moment i physically get kevin's new record is going to be one of those moments as well.

Music this magnificent & medicine
are one in the same.
They make life worth living,
hearts worth healing
Boys Night Out

your head is far too blurry

my life is a series of the same shit over and over
i'm no longer surprised by what happens anymore
more often than not, i just have made myself forget
then i do the same thing over again with no avail

i need to get ready for work (or at least looking for clothes to wear). but i don't want to go. i switched with a coworker so i don't have to go in until 6pm. but i would have rather called in sick than go in. i am no mood to do anything right now. i think i might grab my ipod & listen to a song that i know will make me cry. but why would i want to do that? why would i want to further along the shitty mood that i am in?

haunted by the ghost of you
reminds you what you didn't do
inara george

press 7 to delete

i save phone messages.

i always have. if i get one that strikes a chord, i press 9 and keep it. there are some that make me smile. there are some that make me want to die. there are others that make me smile & then want to die. verizon used to let me have 40 of these. now i am down to a 20 message inbox. this has proven to be a good thing. it helps me let go of things. i could seemingly have moved on, until it has been 21 days & i have to decide again if i want to keep that person's voice. i kept some from my ex well after we broke up...but at this point there is nothing there. i don't know how many i deleted or were automatically deleted after they expired. i am going to go with that i deleted most of them.

i think i have 18 saved at the moment. this isn't too good b/c it only allows me 2 spots. i mean no one calls me & rarely do they leave messages. i might go through them now & see which ones no longer hold the same weight as they did 21 days prior. i need to make room for new recorded hilarities & mindfucks.

All the evidence points in one direction
Says I don't need you physically around
I've got your voice on tape
I've got your words in me
I don't want anything else
I don't want anyone else
(Jenny Owen Youngs)

always a big mess leftover

everyday i hate you a little more
everyday i know that i don't at all

if we weren't such good friends
i think that i'd hate you.
if we weren't such good friends
i'd wish you were dead.

bahhumbug.

i need some sort of recipe

i haven't been here in a long while. which i guess is a good thing? i have been working a whole bunch, hanging out with good people, playing a lot of Yoshi Island DS, and other things i guess. apparently the key to keeping me sane is keeping me somewhat busy.

There exists a melody
That just might change your mind
If only I knew the key
To sing to make you mine

i have work soon. but i am going to run out to best buy first & pick up a couple records that are out today. it is always a fun thing to spend money that i really don't have.

So I'll just sit back

i typed this out last night.

[Start - 1/3/09 11:11pm]

my wireless is acting up and i really don't have any true desire to play geek squad to see what is fucked up. i wanted to type up a blog before but i came upstairs to my room and started playing guitar hero on my DS instead. so now that i am tired of not hitting notes, i am going to type this up in a word processing document and put this up later.

i went downstairs to put some pants in the washing machine. my sister was watching a movie. then i went upstairs and put some music on while i did the dishes. all these things made me think about one thing, but many things that encompass that one thing. then i started to think about how your mind can make your memories up. what i was thinking about happened, but then my mind started to trail off and make things more exciting then it was...like it was adding bits & pieces to it to make me feel more than my heart is telling me to.

there have been times in the last couple months when i have seen something or touched something and i can feel this rush in my chest. the rush starts out as good, kind of making me feel complete. my breath gets deeper and a smile comes onto my face. but then i realize those feelings, those memories aren't real. they aren't what is really happening.

chalk it up to loneliness. blame it on my past experiences. do what you will. but my mind has always made up stories about what it feels and what it wants. i can't remember a time when i haven't been awake in bed for at least an hour making up things. it is like making up my dreams rather than letting my REM cycle do it for me. i lay there and play out stories in my head. the stuff that i let myself think up is mind boggling. most of it is embarrassing and i would never tell another soul the majority of the stories i come up with.

oddly enough, during that time, things rarely work out for me. there is usually some person, event, twist of fate that comes and fucks everything up. it isn't even my subconscious that makes me miserable. i am fully aware and make the choices that can either make me have a pleasant night or cry myself to sleep.

i have said it before & i will say it again, night time has never been good to me. more often than not, it accentuates the negatives in my life. it is kind of like that same question in every stupid online survey i go to post that asks: "Who was the last person you slept next to?" my answer will always either be [a] my pillow [b] my grandmother [c] "arrg" referring to the three years of my life that felt like too many years of my life.

[Start - 1/3/09 11:37pm]

Does it matter that what I remember is not true?
Does it matter that all I can think of is you?
Does it matter that what I remember might be
Just my own imagination painting scenes more pretty?
Is it obvious? Does it show? With thoughts of you I am a glow.
Sarah Harmer "I Am A Glow"

we're totally at odds

i have been toiling the last couple days when my shuffle came on my ipod over what i should put here for a new song.

i finally picked one

When you're close to me
Something stirs in me
Oh, the beast is free
But I know you'll never be

it is 'chase' by leona naess. her new cd was on the instore play list at work and it sparked me to get more into her again lately. this song is off her first cd, which i have had since it came out. it is my life in a song. enjoy it.

the wind talks back

today went really fast. i was helping out and teaching all day in a 2nd grade classroom. i think it is my last day in that room. i did enjoy them, but i am happy to be able to get back to my kids and my room. it is so different. i think i definitely transforming into a 3-5th grade teacher. i don't think that i can handle the younger ones. but then again, i'll take whatever job someone offers me once i am done getting my degree.

a new Now Playing song:
My room seems wrong.
The bed wont fit.
I can not seem to operate
and you my love are gone.

So glide away on soapy heels and
promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again then
i will take the chain from off the door.

i have listened to this song more times than i care to admit in the last 36 hours. i am totally in love with it.

i have so much work to do, and i have no desire to do any of it.

this isn't something i would do

i quit the carnival and moved next door
thought i'd had enough but i wanted more
so now i'm sneaking out at night
i clean my face and shine my shoes
and go where i'm not supposed to

new song on the side bar.

wish i had the version from bowery the other night, but this one will have to do in the meantime.