it ripped my heart right out

sometimes, I just feel stupid.
this is one of those shining moments.

but we weren't joking all the time

sometimes I just get so tired. but I'm never sleepy.

i'd rather be a mystery

i'm a fake.

not in the terrible way (then again is there a good fake?) but in the way that i have to adjust to my surroundings to get through the day. if i were to say the things i feel or do the things i really wanted, i would be in a different place. my problem is i don't know if that would be a good thing or not.

in every given situation, there is the thing that i did & then something that i wish i would have done. be it the way i would have spoken to this person, the way i would have completed that task or even the way i would have crossed the street.

there is a john mayer quote that has rung true to me since my early days as a freshman in my dorm at stony brook:
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked
I just want to be funny
Look like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

it fits me perfectly. i want to believe that i live my own life, but i don't. i want to impress. i want to be liked. there is nothing wrong with that in theory (i mean even john mayer felt that way), but part of me will forever feel foolish for it.