lord knows it'll be the first time

I go in and out of caring these days. i have been feeling nostalgic lately. it reminds me of a line from (500) days of summer - "next time you look back, I think you should look again."

but I'm happy right now. so I don't care and I'm not going to start caring.

Funny how I'm nervous still

i'm not confused anymore.

now it's me being nervous, but i'm trying to be positive.

i just don't want to fuck things up before they begin.

don't turn out like me

i'm listening to the new album by Destry on ap.net

it's actually good. i didn't think michelle could actually carry an album by herself. but it is enjoyable. everytime i see straylight, i really miss her parts in the older songs. so listening to this after last night makes me happy. maybe i am just biased, but she is a sweetheart & i'm happy that she is doing her thing even if it's on her own.

in other news, i'm in a fuck you kind of mood. not a bad one, but like an "i'm awesome" kind of fuck you. hopefully this lasts. so i'm going to go get some pumpkin ice cream and enjoy my morning.

so i hold on tight to letting go

so far so good. it hasn't been as hard as i thought it was going to be.

the one biggest things bumming me out about life is that i am working when tickets for the get up kids & kevin go on sale. i am going to need to ask for a favor from a friend at some point next week.

(ps - my subject lines are always lines from songs. this one is from an ingrid michaelson demo walk away. i have yet to find a free standing copy on the internet, so i think when i get home i am just going to rip it from her loverly twitter site. anywho, you need to listen to it. sometimes demo recordings are my favorite. they are just simple & right to the point. they are also often leaps & bounds different than the final product. i mean i never would have guessed that kevin's carnival would have evolved into the gem that it is. i am interested to see if this makes it to an album or this is basically all that will come of it. either way, i find the low-fi sound and crackles absolutely charming & makes the song possibly better for me than if it was done in a professional studio.)

in stereo in the static age

somedays aren't too terrible.
this one was a pretty good one as far as days go.

always there by your side

My horoscope for thursday, may 14: It may be quite difficult
for you to understand a particularly odd social situation until
you think about who's got the power. That should clear
everything up -- though it may obligate you to change things.

word.

for a small piece of sanity

i'm going to philly tonight to see kevin & brian play at northstarbar.


(from the last time i was there to see kevin, i think?)

i can't wait to see the team. it is always a good time when we get together. i told jess that i plan on taking one saturday off a month this summer to go down to do radio & hangs. i didn't go down at all last summer and that made me sad. i mean they did go on tour for most of the summer, but there were other times i could have been there but didn't go. this summer i am definitely taking off more and doing some fun shit.

~

life has been really good as of late. i have seen all of my respective crews lately (minus brigitte & helen, but they left me a nice message the other day which kind of made up for them getting ice cream without me). i have shows coming up. work has been alright, despite the normal gripes. i try not to think about being without "another half" and lately it hasn't been that hard. i've been content with where i am.

let me make you smile

i was thinking about this earlier tonight, when my thoughts trailed off...regardless of the unrealistic nature of my thoughts friday night, it was a nice feeling that i miss having.

it was nice to feel something good for a while. and even if it was somewhat wasted, it was nice to have my thoughts & actions entertained for a bit.

i won't wait for you

[Now Playing: Two Tongues - Tremors]

oddly enough after that last post, today was an unexpectedly splendid day...minus the fact that my visit to target post-work was basically a bust.

sometimes thing don't work
& other times the pieces fit

today everything interlocked pleasantly.

it was you or maybe it was me

after a fucked up wednesday & shitty thursday, i am having a much better day. i got to talk to people about it and hearing what people have said, it makes me feel better about what happened but makes me even more mad b/c everything was super uncalled for.

my eye are almost giving me no discomfort, which is a total relief.

what would have been even better though would be if i was at colour revolt tonight. grr. total bummer. but hopefully they will come to town again soon. i haven't seen them in my home state in too long of a time (may 07?). at this point i associate them with philly more than anything else...even though they are from oxford, mississippi and i am from long island.

something that i'm giving

regardless of me totally giving up completing my assignment that had more than two weeks to do, i actually had a really good night on a bunch of different levels.

and i think i have listened to that damn ingrid michaelson song another 10 times since i last was here. minus the lyrics, i think it is the whole singing in the round thing at the end & harmonies between ingrid, allie & bess that makes me die a little inside (and i mean death in the best possible way)

they make me want to take vocal lessons.

always feel this tall

[Now Watching] Nancy Grace (she is nuts, such a riot to watch)

today was a full day. quite busy but at the same time, not at all.

i had work this morning. had to be at the store at the bright & early time of 8am. it wasn't swamped, but it wasn't dead. so i was keeping busy & the day actually flew by pretty quickly.

i was supposed to go to my cousin's first birthday party, but i had to babysit tonight since i went to the city last night. kind of bummed, but i stop by there all the time. plus she just turned one. she has no idea i wasn't there.

babysitting was good too. they watched star wars. i napped. i know it is hard work but someone has to do it.

when i came home, i finally ordered my tickets to manchester & kevin for the december shows in philly and hoboken. i was worried that they were going to sell out, thankfully that was not true.

& i also felt good about myself today all day today (even when i expected not to). that is a plus as well.



oh and last night was fucking phenomenal (more pics here)


(Moneen is a band you don't need prior knowledge to enjoy)


(kevin was entirely electric & let me see that i'm going to love the new record)


(saves was so good. i'm sad i waited this long to finally see them live)

the night ended with a perez hilton sighting & baked goods.
sometimes life isn't as bad as it normally turns out to be

like homework on sundays

[Now Playing] Leona Naess - On My Mind

i have been like an absentee landlord around this place. but i do think of it often. i have just been super busy & when i get home i am not thinking about typing in this white box blogger provides. i didn't even see my mother for 2.5 days...i just heard her screaming from downstairs telling me to get up.

i have two teaching certification exams tomorrow, i don't want to take them. but i have put them off long enough.

i have gotten a little better but relapse every now & again. but as a whole i kind of feel alright about myself. which is good b/c i haven't felt that way in a long while.


...oh, that lesson plan i was bitching about? i did swimmingly & got another A.

i've lost what i've loved

[Now Playing] Wild Sweet Orange - Ten Dead Dogs

a bit ago i set it up so that this will feed directly to my facebook. it finally started showing up and i am currently taking a break from deleting all the post from here that currently turned into notes there.

but that made me look back at the things i have written about over the last couple months. and it made me even more sad about myself. today was a goodish day. i had work...which normally keeps my head busy. however there was a moment there near the end when all i wanted to do was just go home and was convinced that once i got there i was going to just lay in bed and cry

i forgot about that moment until now.

and now that i have it in my head, i feel stupid. starting now, i am actively going to try to fix what has been wrong with me the last couple weeks. part of me is a total mess. but the rest of me feels like every second of my current series of miserable moments is helping me. i want to get better. i want to feel secure in myself. but i have feared for so long that i will never get to that place. i guess i know myself so well that i am never going to be ok. maybe i need to just find a way to be ok with never going to be ok. i don't know. but i do know that i can't be where i am right now for any longer. cause if i do stay this way, it is going to be the end of me.