call a loser all for a fix

i wish i was strong.
or at least stronger.

old habits die hard

i spent my friday night watching wall-e and crying.

what did you do?



i'm tired so the whole being there at 8am won't be fun, but i know that work tomorrow will be a good distraction.

with music you don't need

because i've been posting pictures lately
& since all i've wanted to do lately is cry

here is another from a site i haven't visited in ages


dinner tonight will hopefully make me feel better.

there's just one thing I got

in response to the description my last post...the last thing that happens to me is that my lips tense up. i think it is another measure to prevent myself from crying. i push my lips together and kind of bite on my lip.

i found this out last night.
it didn't work because i was a mess.



either way, today was an alright start to a nutso busy week.
sunday - work, meeting
monday - teaching, seminar, maybe a little bit of work.
tuesday - teaching, solo show in brooklyn
wednesday - teaching, work
thursday - thanksgiving
friday - work, babysitting
saturday - work, a wonderful date with ms. galarza


but now sleep...teaching pretty early in the morning.

the future of things we all know

(i sat with this open for 30 minutes. i used bablefish to translate it into italian & french. eventually i put it back into english. then i made revisions to it. took things out, added others. mostly added to it. i posted it and then added & edited it even more. here it is in it's basically finished glory...not that anyone reads this anyway)

i had the feeling that i needed to get words out the whole drive home.

i almost cried at work. ever since august, i have cried so much i can now describe to you the exact process that my body takes to get to that moment. i felt that sink in my chest that i get, like part of my throat drops to my diaphragm. my eyes didn't grow watery, i stopped it just in time...but my tear ducts started to fill. when that happens, it puts this odd type pressure on the tops of my cheeks. they always turn bright red and stay that way for a long time. (i even think they have yet to totally bounce back from the debacle that was two wednesdays ago). then my nose tickled. i don't get that part. it is kind of like that "i have to sneeze" feeling, but not quite. when my nose begins to act up, i know that is the last chance i have to stop myself. it is my last chance to pull that emergency break. b/c then my eyes fill up & my vision gets blurry. from that point, any blink can be the wrong one to make that first tear fall. then it is usually all over. this all happened in less than one second. it is that quick. and still that one second is oh so terrifying.

a friend and i were having a nice conversation and then i let my head get the best of me. i thought of something i shouldn't have let myself think about. it was about how no one ever likes me in any additional way. i can count on one hand the three people in my life who legitimately wanted to be in a relationship with me. oddly, i met them all when i was 18 and going to stony brook. (i guess that was a good age & place for me.) but now, i am 25 years old. i've only been in one relationship (which stemmed from that pool of people). even including that off putting three years, it has been one big "swing and a miss" type life for me for the last eight years...lets not even talk about before that.

i understand that i am unattractive.
i understand that i fall for someone quickly.

however, i don't understand how i am constantly deemed better suited for a friend every single time. i don't think i am super undesirable at all. i am a good person. after seven and a half years, i will finally be a college graduate(with two degrees mind you). i get great discounts on books & amazing prices on coffee. i don't ask for much. i am a funny lady. i listen to good music. i mean, i could totally be a good catch.

but no one gives me the chance to be.

sick of trying to be tough

i still haven't started my lesson plan.

all i want to do right now is crawl under my covers and cry.

you and onions make me cry

[Now Playing] Meiko's Daytrotter Sessions

i'm about to go to bed

and i think till the exact moment i pass out i am going to have to try & convince myself not to cry. because with the exception of a watery eyes late wednesday night, i haven't cried in a long time.

and i really want to keep it that way

powered by the hopeful lie

[Now Playing] Aimee Mann - Calling It Quits

last week, i overslept monday through friday. and once again i overslept again this morning. i woke up to the oh too frequent - katharine, it's almost 7 o'clock. which is followed by the oh so frequent response - aw, fuck me.

i was hoping to get to bed early tonight and by early i was thinking before 11:30, but that really seems impossible at this point. most likely this is b/c i napped for the greater part of the evening already. i didn't plan it. i just had some pizza and passed out. i was hoping to save up my tiredness until the sun actually went down.

instead, i've just been tossing & turning in bed and trying not to cry.

yay to my life?

room enough for two

it's 2:44am.
i still am up & haven't done my school work.



i did how ever cry my eyes out again & enjoy some carole king.

i learned somethings about her too.
thanks pbs.

what little we possess

[Now Playing] Matt Pryor - Hover Near Fame (Live at Bowery Ballroom)

i should be asleep. but i'm not. i should have done my homework that is due tomorrow. but i haven't. there are so many things that should be done. but i've not been doing any of them.


i realized today how much of a shitty friend i have been to someone. she knows who she is because she pretty much told me the other day i was being an asshole. i was an asshole out convenience. i tend to run away from things, avoid things when i don't want to deal. and if you live almost 800 miles away, i'll be able to shut you out pretty fucking easily.

to be honest, i started talking to her again because i was told i was an asshole and i didn't want to be called one. however today we were on the phone for an hour & a half (at least that is what my phone timer told me) . within that 90 minutes, she listened to me. she didn't have to. i was crying and all pathetic. if i was her, i wouldn't have listened to i was saying or been nice to me. she did both things.

and then at the end of the conversation, she made me laugh. the way i was feeling was really terrible. and with the tears streaming down my face and the snot that formed, she made me bounce back from it. that really takes someone amazing to do so.


even though i have been a fucking emotional miserable person the last bunch of weeks, i am glad i have my friend back.

tired of wasting time

[Now Playing] Manchester Orchestra - How I Waited

i feel really drained so far this evening

work was alright. but driving home today, i felt myself fading out a whole lot. i would just stare. sometimes thinking, sometimes not. and even at home, i've been pretty out of it. i feel like when my mind doesn't have anything to do, it just becomes this big messy mush.

i think i am going to watch tv and try to stop myself from the tears i can feel building up behind my eyes

it ain't just a river in egypt

i was just thinking the other day how i haven't cried in a long while.

but here i am...eyes all watery.

i have a feeling that before i fall asleep, the crying will begin again.

happy early birthday to me.