i need some sort of recipe

i haven't been here in a long while. which i guess is a good thing? i have been working a whole bunch, hanging out with good people, playing a lot of Yoshi Island DS, and other things i guess. apparently the key to keeping me sane is keeping me somewhat busy.

There exists a melody
That just might change your mind
If only I knew the key
To sing to make you mine

i have work soon. but i am going to run out to best buy first & pick up a couple records that are out today. it is always a fun thing to spend money that i really don't have.

this was a choice

i have had this urge to read lately. i don't know why. i do know i don't like to read, so it is a very confusing thing.

i wasn't sure how i would feel about this, but i like it...i mean, it's matt pryor.


my mood is kind of easily swayed. i should probably stop listen to music that can easily fuck with my emotions

i have been thinking a lot about my future lately. to quote sharkey, i am comfortable at the bookstore. i have been putting things off career wise lately b/c i was able to tell myself that it is hard to get an in someplace. but monday morning i was woken up by my old co-op teacher and was told that once i am available, let her know & i will have an subbing job at the school. now i don't have any lie to tell myself on why i should stay at the bookstore. i has been nice the last couple weeks. it is nice to have no real adult like activities. i was in college for 7.5 years. i deserve a break. but i know i should start this whole "being a grown up" lifestyle & have no way to convince my parents otherwise. i still have time to put it all off. however i know i can't carry on this way for ever.

oh, and i was looking at getting an iPod touch. which i can't use on my computer b/c i can't update to iTunes 8. also i can't b/c i don't have a spare 400 dollars to spend on such a contraption. but that isn't really the point. the point is that i want a cool new toy.

speaking of toys, i haven't been able to find my ds for weeks.

speaking of being stupid, i have a feeling i am not showing up to the bonz show tomorrow night because of my apathetic trends lately.

speaking of retardation, jamie being kicked off top chef tonight? fucking bullshit. leah should have been gone a long time ago & i can't believe she is still there.

call a loser all for a fix

i wish i was strong.
or at least stronger.

feels like a tourist

i wish i was eloquent.

soon she won't be real either

after her reading this blog thing that i do, sharkey informed me that i can't be sad anymore. noted.

today was a lazy day. i caught myself thinking a little too much & i kind of regret it now. it kind of bummed me out (not the same thing as being sad). sometimes i just get tired of the bullshit, tired of living life as an asshole.

when it comes to myself, my definition of being an asshole is as follows: basically just putting myself out there knowing that i won't be getting anything back. i've lived my whole life this way more often than not. i guess there is part of me that knows that i can't win someone over with just what i have to offer on the outside. i guess it is my way of uselessly trying to have charm. but it fails, everytime. which is why i am still all alone.

but i'm not sad.
not with sharkey & good tunes by my side

i still find you dashing

up watching the special on PBS at 2am
plus amy sedaris is the narrator? joy!

sometimes life isn't so bad.



then again, sometimes it is.

you'll never catch us

i have to leave for work in an hour and a half. so i have just been wandering around my room, straightening up without really cleaning anything. i found some old cards...yeah those kind. i was looking at some of them. thinking about old relationships is a real mind fuck. but looking at them made me both sad & happy. sad because i miss that type of companionship, that type of love, that type of bond. but happy because it was a terrible type of companionship, type of love, type of bond. my mom bought a shredder recently. i might have to put it to good use soon.

reading the cards also made me think of the life i used to have & the life i have now. it made me think of my friends. and how two years ago i really didn't have anyone. now i have some of the greatest groups of people from all aspects of my life...work, school, music, career (yes, career is in there even though i don't have one yet).

someone else would hear me

last night was a fun time out with laura & becca. we got some thai food, went to rockwood for a massive local correspondents show & then went to mercury lounge for my first pablo show since june 2007. it was a good but weird night.

i bought some seedless red grapes this morning. so yummy.

apparently i twitter now. i don't know why i started. mostly to keep up with my peoples. but i might start using it frequently. why not, you know? another space on the internet to take over.

pattern must be destroyed

work was same ol' but it was a good day.

i'm spending my night watching rock of love: tour bus, reading some magazines and listening to some tunes.

i haven't done this in a bit
but here is is again...

sunday: work & then hanging around the house
monday: sleeping in!! & then show hopping in the city
tuesday: work 5-close
wednesday: work 4-close
thursday: work 4-close
friday: no babysitting!!
saturday: work 8-4 & going to jessi's show

(a nice lunch with chissy should be happening before work some day this week. it will occur whenever i am not lazy or when the mood strikes me)

tomorrows show hopping includes a mega local correspondent show at rockwood and then pablo at mercury lounge? it might prove to be an interesting night, but a least i'll have laura & maybe becca by my side.

nothing lasts forever

i sort of overslept for work. & i have spent my evening watching tool academy, drinking tea, eating waffles and downloading ray lamontagne.

i have also decided to actively not be an asshole anymore
it doesn't pay off and in the end i'm still all alone.

a couple weeks ago someone told me not to give up. and i said back to them, without missing a beat that i won't ever give up, but i am just done trying. it is sad & depressing, but it is what it is. no matter how much i have learned over the last couple years, it is never fun crying yourself to sleep and it is the pits not being wanted. sometimes i feel it is no one's fault but my own that my life has ended up in the place it has. i see happy couples and i am sad i'm alone. i hear about break-ups and i am glad to be single.

i guess it is a double edged sword no matter which way you swing it.

(i think i might have, even cryptically, said too much)