i've got love in my tummy

[Now Playing] Sarah McLachlan - Mary (i'm bringing this album back into my life, which is good b/c it deserves to be there. and if you don't know it, pick it up & fall in love)

i like food. you could say that i am a fan.

i'm all about baked goods. getting chinese food makes my day bright and lovely. when i go to jersey to see my friends, trips are centered around it. wawa, diners, gravy. the excitement that we have over mac&cheese isn't probably too healthy, but that is fine with me.

i mean, i'm not gonna front, i'm a big girl. i'm not happy with my weight, but i have been bigger so i can't complain. i think at my heaviest i was 216 (or at least that is the most i have seen on a scale). i am comfortable enough with myself now that i don't get depressed over it on a regular basis. i have my moments when i use that as my fall back reason, but we all have our own personal excuses for ourselves.

this is being brought up b/c i had to bring my car to the mechanic this morning & had to get up super early for a day that i didn't have to work (7:30am is annoying after not sleeping until after 3:30am). i was planning on getting an egg sandwich and a half&half [half iced tea/half lemonade] at the deli. after it coming up in conversation, i changed my mind on the drive & got dunkin donuts. as the woman was ringing me up, she goes to me "you have lost a lot of weight."

while it is a good ting for someone to tell you, i always have had a hard time responding to that comment. i have really never actively tried to lose weight. i mean i change a thing or two here & there in my diet, but nothing major. when i lost all that weight a couple years ago, i cut out soda & tried not to eat as much bread. i wasn't active beyond my normal nonactive self. but with little changes, i lost almost 60 pounds. and i really never notice when i am losing weight. it is one of those things that all of a sudden you notice that something does/doesn't fit.

anywho, i responded in my normal - "oh really? i didn't notice." i know i have been eating differently lately. i eat when i am home & bored. but i have been working a whole bunch lately and have had a bit of a social life, which keeps me distracted from eating more than i know i should. the woman responded saying that i indeed had & that i looked good.

then she handed me my coffee, my chocolate glazed & my boston creme...which i inhaled when i got home.

maybe the jokes on me

[Now Playing] Gregory and the Hawk - Boats & Birds

life is funny sometimes.

i feel like i am making huge strides
& then i feel like i'm trying too hard



i kind of want to sleep just to be
able to wake up fresh tomorrow.

i'd rather be wandering

[Now Playing] REM - Moral Kiosk

sometimes i wonder about things...

i wonder when i will be able to fully support myself
i wonder how good the new straylight run record might be
i wonder why people actually like me & are my friends
i wonder what i am going to do when my ipod runs out of room
i wonder if i'll ever not be single anytime in the future
i wonder what i could accomplish with a non-shitty camera
i wonder if i'll ever stop being a sucker for all the things i should avoid
i wonder what it's like to be in a band & have music be my job
i wonder if i'm a failure or just have yet to succeed
i wonder if i give good hugs

the 8th month of the year

today was a good day.
it was long, but a good one.
it is actually still going quite well

my last entry wasn't too positive,
but i am think august might be a good month.

except that "going back to school" part that happens at the end.

that isn't very good.

oh the places you'll [never] go

there are times when i am in my car and i just want to drive & keep driving.

[imagine the whole two big paragraphs of words that were here before i came back and deleted them]

i'm going to be 25 in two weeks and i feel like i'm nowhere. and not that someone needs to be 100% by my age, but i am just tired of who i'm not.

i feel like there is something in me that is screaming to get out. but the older that i get the more i think that it isn't ever going to.

Light , Breathable

[Now Playing] Patti Smith & Kevin Shields - The Coral Sea (Disc 1)

so it's 2:30am.

last night i didn't get to sleep until after 6:30am. this whole closing thing really isn't working out for me. last semester, it was basically all that i did. but it was really all because of my class schedule. but starting mid-may, i was an opener...or at least i was at work by noon. it was annoying at first, but i began to like it.

lately i have been closing and i don't like it. ever since i can remember, nights haven't been good to me. when i was a senior in high school, my health teacher got me a christmas present. it was a journal. i filled it within two months. i wrote a journal full of bad high school poetry in that span of time. every single entry was written after the sun went down. my thoughts would keep me up, so i put the thoughts down.

i don't write nearly as much anymore. the last thing that i wrote was weeks ago. the last thing that wasn't total shit, i wrote in june of '07. but when i used to write with any consistency, i kept the book under my pillow. it was a really shitty place to keep something like that. that wasn't really a private place. but that was a convenient place. i would lay down and while i was getting comfy, i would place a hand under my pillow. feeling the book would make me think - i should write. and i did. again, all that came out was totally displaced teen discomfort.

even now, i'm a hack. i don't think it does anything for me besides having me capture the shit in my head. it doesn't make it go away. it doesn't help me work it out. i'm a completely private person when it comes to what i really feel. even this, i'm typing out my thoughts. but it really isn't anything. nothing is clear. all the outside person knows is that i used to write. i'm the queen of the cryptic. to get something out of me is hard. i've been cornered before. literally. actually by that same health teacher mentioned above (which leads into stories i don't have the energy for this late at night)

i don't know where this was heading, nor am i too sure where it is now. i guess maybe that is part why i don't talk. i lose track of myself. i am a rambler. i talk & talk to try and work through and explain everything i just said. and then i ramble even more to explain away my explanations. that brings it all back to over thinking.

and i don't know, but i just got too tired to write anything else. i don't know if it is me, what i have been talking about or just listening to patti smith's spoken word. either way, i'm going to stop.

The sky is getter lighter

did you know that the steve harvey show is on at 4:39 on sunday mornings?



well now you do.

despite certain crazy memories that are linked to this television program, i really do like this show. it doesn't air at the most convenient times (obviously) but when i do watch it, it is super comical.

Again? No way...

i just pulled into the parking lot for work and that damn Sarah Harmer song came on again. i fucking don't get it. i think my iPod is trying to ruin my life. but still, i listened to it all and sang along the whole time.

tomorrow i will be seeing the lovely leslie feist. actually let me restate that. if i can go to sleep soon, then wake up at 4am & get a cab in time to get me to the 5:08 train - i will be going to bryant park to see feist perform on good morning america.



helen couldn't go & it is super last minute, so i will be going by myself. i'm kind of bummed about it but it will be ok. i do so much by myself and as long as my ipod lasts the whole day - i'll be fine. plus i am bringing twilight. perhaps i'll be able to get father into it & perhaps understand the hype.

i woke up at 4:25am. i get dressed and am already to call a cab to pick me up.

then i decide not to go & get right back in my pjs

i really want to see feist, that is no question. but in the end should i really going to be spending a whole bunch of cash to just see her play 2-3 songs. normally i don't think this would bug me. but as i saw the clock tick by, i put less & less action into going. it is better for me to be home and not go crazy. saving is a good thing. or really it is just putting off spending it on something else.

speaking of which, i should probably pay some bills. boo. bills are not as fun as listening to music.

alright. you practice counting. i'm going to bed,

Out in the Hideout

i worked until closing tonight. i haven't really done that in a long while. on the way home, i noticed my ipod had just a little juice left in it so i put it on shuffle and let it guide me. a couple songs in, it gave me Sarah Harmer's "You Were Here"

i have been a fan of her's since junior year of high school. i finally got to see her live at the canal room two years ago. this song has basically made me a hot mess the second it comes on since 2000. i played it over & over. i sang at the top of my lungs. every note was felt in my bones. every note made me want to just die. but i still every note. i am a total masochist.

i create more problems than the world creates for me. is it still all that over thinking? i mean, i'd like to think i like myself. but sometimes i think i hate myself. i put myself into situations that i can't logically figure out. listening to songs that make me feel the way that this one does, isn't right. it makes me think of mistakes and all my foolish ideas.

i don't know. sometimes i just feel like i don't get even close to everything that i deserve to get. i mean i am i really that hideous & unlikeable?

What We Have Done

today was an interesting day. it was good and at the same time it made me feel uneasy. at this point in my life there are two things that get me depressed: drinking and over thinking. it is easy to avoid drinking. usually if i have more than one drink, i get really sad. if i don't get sad, i feel good and then sick. but most of the time it just makes me sad.

over thinking isn't as easy to avoid. i can't tell myself i have to drive, so i can't over think. nor can i tell myself that by over thinking, there is no way i can afford health insurance in the fall. i can over think at the drop of a hat. i did that today. there was no reason to do so either. maybe that is why they call it over thinking, b/c you do way more than you need to. i wish they had over thinking anonymous. or maybe that is just called therapy (which probably doesn't come with the crappy health insurance i am trying to afford)

i wish i was back in middle school sometimes. that is a weird comment for a girl a month shy of 25, but it is true sometimes. i was rather fearless. i didn't think that i was going to be rejected (even though i often was) and i wasn't afraid of fighting back (or specifically pushing someone down and kicking them against a locker...). but now i am not so gungho about things. not that i wouldn't fight for things, but i am more consious about things and how people think about me. i don't do certain things not b/c i am not into doing them, but i am concerned about other people and the reactions that will follow.

i know that that is no way to live. trust me. there are so many people that i envy that are more free and open than i am. i hope that i can one day be that way. but i know that that isn't going to be anytime soon. i once told my only friend of mine that i was taking babysteps. while i am pretty sure that i'm not taking them in the wrong direction, i'm also thinking that they aren't exactly in the right direction either.




while today was interesting, sunday was fantastic.

i had work all day, but then i went to rockwood to see jessi's show. i have been jessi's friend for a while & seen her play for longer and still, everytime i see her perform it blows me away. i guess i forget what kind of voice can come out of her. and sunday night was no exception. it was her cd release show and i was super excited. jessi played with a full band, which i have never seen before. she was amazing and i was just really in awe of what she can accomplish.


i got some pictures and a couple videos.





seriously, check out her stuff. & if you like it, pick up a cd or tell me & i'll get one for you.