we all die a little each day

september is over in a a bunch of minutes. i'm kind of happy to have october start. not for any real reason. maybe this month will be a good one. i doubt it, but it could happen.


on the way home from work, i just wanted to curl into bed. i wanted to magically be home in my pjs and be comfy under the covers. i also really wanted a stuffed animal. i was never a cuddle with a nylon stuffed creature type person. but that was all that i could focus on this afternoon. i took my carebear off the top of my dashboard and hugged it. i felt not better, but calm. i would have closed my eyes to enjoy it more, but i probably would have died.

but really, it felt nice to hold & hug my silly little carebear. when i got into my driveway, i gave it a little kiss on the head and put it back where it has sat undisturbed for the last year or two.


(taken on the bqe during the drive to philly last week)

i have a feeling it might be put to work a whole bunch more in the future.

this is not a test

[Now Watching] The Office - Season 4 Disc 1

i feel like crap.

but laura is going to be home sometime after nightfall
which means that all will be much better in the world

i've lost what i've loved

[Now Playing] Wild Sweet Orange - Ten Dead Dogs

a bit ago i set it up so that this will feed directly to my facebook. it finally started showing up and i am currently taking a break from deleting all the post from here that currently turned into notes there.

but that made me look back at the things i have written about over the last couple months. and it made me even more sad about myself. today was a goodish day. i had work...which normally keeps my head busy. however there was a moment there near the end when all i wanted to do was just go home and was convinced that once i got there i was going to just lay in bed and cry

i forgot about that moment until now.

and now that i have it in my head, i feel stupid. starting now, i am actively going to try to fix what has been wrong with me the last couple weeks. part of me is a total mess. but the rest of me feels like every second of my current series of miserable moments is helping me. i want to get better. i want to feel secure in myself. but i have feared for so long that i will never get to that place. i guess i know myself so well that i am never going to be ok. maybe i need to just find a way to be ok with never going to be ok. i don't know. but i do know that i can't be where i am right now for any longer. cause if i do stay this way, it is going to be the end of me.

just the cast changes nightly

i am so antsy right now
which is making me totally antsy in my pantsy.

i feel like i have ADHD & i am hoping that typing this will calm me down either because my fingers can fidget in a productive way or because it will get some thoughts out. however i really don't have any thoughts. it is just my fingers that are all wired.

so they are just going to tap and tap and tap the table

powered by the hopeful lie

[Now Playing] Aimee Mann - Calling It Quits

last week, i overslept monday through friday. and once again i overslept again this morning. i woke up to the oh too frequent - katharine, it's almost 7 o'clock. which is followed by the oh so frequent response - aw, fuck me.

i was hoping to get to bed early tonight and by early i was thinking before 11:30, but that really seems impossible at this point. most likely this is b/c i napped for the greater part of the evening already. i didn't plan it. i just had some pizza and passed out. i was hoping to save up my tiredness until the sun actually went down.

instead, i've just been tossing & turning in bed and trying not to cry.

yay to my life?

this isn't something i would do

i quit the carnival and moved next door
thought i'd had enough but i wanted more
so now i'm sneaking out at night
i clean my face and shine my shoes
and go where i'm not supposed to

new song on the side bar.

wish i had the version from bowery the other night, but this one will have to do in the meantime.

the only thing that's keeping me alive

i overslept every morning this week, be it for student teaching or for class. i mean, really if i was going to do it 4 days in a row...why not go all the way and wake up late for class too. it isn't like i missed anything.

oh. and i was going to post something here about how i hate my life (shocker, i know) but since i logged onto mnyspace first, i saw that bayside has their whole new album streaming up on their myspace. it sounds amazing. i can't wait to actually have it in my hands. also they have a live record coming out as well. if it is on sale for cheap on 9/30 along with the studio album, it shall be mine too




listen to it and enjoy it tons
http://www.myspace.com/bayside

tell it like you still believe

in the 20 min home tonight, i listened to the beginning of damien rice's O, which killed me. and then when i came i took my guitar and played as much of the record as i could realistically accomplish, which made me murder myself.

i wish i could play this record like he does and be able to make it my own.

tonight 'delicate' took on new meaning
tonight i realized that it is/i am useless

it's times like these i was into drinking heavily
cheers darlin'...

through being cool

minus me oversleeping (again), not being able to get breakfast & missing patty griffin at central park, today was the first good day i have had in a long time.

- had my first observation at student teaching and it went very well

- i got a boston creme donut on the way home

- i came home and there was a b&n package sitting on my table for me(which meant that my baby mama dvd arrived)

- slept a whole bunch when i came home, i think i am going to get more sleep today and tonight than i have gotten in a while

- digital versions of some bayside records are in my possession. i think i might order the new ones when i get to work (or maybe i'll wait and buy them for cheaper at best buy the week they come out)

- i haven't cried once, nor have a felt the need to.



i am still debating going to see straylight run at maxwell's on sunday. i think there are still tickets and if i leave right after work i can totally make it, but i have teaching in the morning and i know i need my rest.

but i am going to definitely buy tickets tomorrow for kevin/saves the day at highline ballroom!! the cmj festival always brings joy into my life somehow

i am not permanent

i know.
it doesn't really matter anymore
but then again it is all that does.



the only thing i'm looking forward to is 9/24
a night in philly with becca seeing kevin


it is a chunk of time in my life
i know will always make me happy

I am a visitor here

even my ear makes me sad/mad.

i am going to go to bed before i hate myself even more



but work today made me happy, even if i was there for a long ass 10 hour shift. the icing on the cake was that i placed a nice sized tina fey ship-to-home order (baby mama & 30 rock season two).

right now i am listening to a recording i did of me playing volcano by damien rice on guitar. every now & again i record stuff. not many people have heard them. if you have, it is because i really like you or i want to impress you in someway (or both). anywho, this one i really like. it is really rough, yet it makes me think that i might actually have some sort of talent. i don't, but it makes me think it anyway.

oh! & tomorrow i need to buy new shoes for work/teaching. don't let me forget?

i didn't sign up for this kid shit

it has been days.

reasons?

well i haven't been in the mood for too much. my days have been so filled with teaching and work. i've overslept twice since i have been here last. also crying your eyes out all the time does eventually take it's toll. i haven't been this emotional in a long time and i am not used to it. not that anyone should be. i think that i have cried at some point every day since monday.

i could blame it on so many things, but really it falls on myself. i do, think, read, touch, feel things that make me upset. my whole life has been that way. i run away from things, but at the same time i forcably keep myself connected to them. why? who knows. all that i do know is that i hate myself for being that way and i hate myself when i am that way.



lately i have been really interested in clouds. maybe it has been the shitfest my life has become. but there is something about them that really is pulling me in. in the car, i have been looking at the sky more than i have the road. friday of last week, the day before the big ol' tropical storm came, the clouds were amazing. when i was driving to the train station, i was totally blown away by what i saw. the speed the clouds were moving was faster than i have ever noticed them to be. i was riding on the train as the sun was starting to go down. i took so many pictures of the sun peaking out. part of me wanted to get off every stop so i could just stare up. the layers of clouds were baffling.

i took some pictures, but they didn't even come close to capturing what i was looking at:







it's the weekend so i have to work a whole bunch, but i do have hours free. which is good for my sleep cycle, but bad when it comes to distracting me from everything else.

room enough for two

it's 2:44am.
i still am up & haven't done my school work.



i did how ever cry my eyes out again & enjoy some carole king.

i learned somethings about her too.
thanks pbs.

what little we possess

[Now Playing] Matt Pryor - Hover Near Fame (Live at Bowery Ballroom)

i should be asleep. but i'm not. i should have done my homework that is due tomorrow. but i haven't. there are so many things that should be done. but i've not been doing any of them.


i realized today how much of a shitty friend i have been to someone. she knows who she is because she pretty much told me the other day i was being an asshole. i was an asshole out convenience. i tend to run away from things, avoid things when i don't want to deal. and if you live almost 800 miles away, i'll be able to shut you out pretty fucking easily.

to be honest, i started talking to her again because i was told i was an asshole and i didn't want to be called one. however today we were on the phone for an hour & a half (at least that is what my phone timer told me) . within that 90 minutes, she listened to me. she didn't have to. i was crying and all pathetic. if i was her, i wouldn't have listened to i was saying or been nice to me. she did both things.

and then at the end of the conversation, she made me laugh. the way i was feeling was really terrible. and with the tears streaming down my face and the snot that formed, she made me bounce back from it. that really takes someone amazing to do so.


even though i have been a fucking emotional miserable person the last bunch of weeks, i am glad i have my friend back.

they really didn't want us around

oh and i talk way too much
shut up katharine, shut up

place at the end of the line

my head is kind of messy this evening



and it doesn't help that 'i love money' isn't on because of the damn mtv music video awards. way to make my life miserable, vh1!

oh what a joy

the show at the bowery was good. there were a bunch of guests which was nice. but i do miss kevin's solo shows. hopefully he will get to play one around here soon. ::crosses fingers:: when i get home from work later i am going to have to look at all the pictures that i took & make them all pretty looking for the world to see.

life right now is busy and confusing and odd. there are some parts where i really don't know what is going on. last night when i got home i fell asleep and started this weird sleep pattern that followed through to the end of the night. and then i had a dream before i woke up the last time that i don't even really know how to process.

but i don't have the time to try right now. i have to get ready for work and then actually go soon. even with all the sleep that i got, i still want to go back to bed.

it's only your life

[Now Playing] Colour Revolt - Daytrotter Sessions

kevin devine & matt pryor tonight at bowery ballroom
i haven't seen kevin in months, nor have i seen jess & bex.

it is going to be an exciting night

except that i have work at 8am
& that a tropical storm's probably
ruining my saturday night plans

comtempt leads to the present

sometimes i feel i can't make any progress.

but then sometimes the things that are shitty
aren't really important compared to other things.

practice, take two....

[Now Playing] Patty Griffin - I Write The Book

"It's going to be really hot. Be prepared to sweat under your boobs."

while i miss kelly tons and was totally spoiled last year, i think my co-operating teacher and i are going to get along well this semester.




i paid a credit card bill over the interweb monday morning. citicards say it went through, but it still hasn't shown up on my bank account. then again the parking check i wrote hasn't gone through either. maybe i'll wait a couple days before i freak out.

it don't feel like the truth

[Now Playing] Patty Griffin - Truth #1

last night wasn't fun for my brain.

today, i have had a headache since i left work.


my neck hurts, my body aches and so does my head. i think i am getting sick. i hope i feel better by tomorrow morning in time for student teaching.