looking back it seems so real

according to dictionary.com
quit /kwɪt/ quit or quit⋅ted, quit⋅ting, adjective
1. to stop, cease, or discontinue
2. to depart from; leave (a place or person)
3. to give up or resign; let go; relinquish
4. to release one's hold of (something grasped).
5. to acquit or conduct (oneself).
6. to free or rid (oneself)
7. to clear (a debt); repay

i don't think i have been more ready to do it, to quit.

i am a firm believer that no one makes a change unless motivated. sometimes, it takes something big. sometimes, it takes something small. sometimes, it takes the most obvious thing in the world. other times it just takes finally excepting failure. that is where i am at.

the most obvious thing could be hanging on a sign on the pink elephant in the room, and i might still pass it by. but sometimes the elephant can't be avoided anymore. sometimes the hurt is larger than the elephant. sometime i have to act like the adult i pretty much am at this point.

so here is where i begin to be an adult in this situation.

well, sort of. all i know is the outcome that i need to help me move forward in life. the path i take to get there might not be mature, but neither are the cryptic blog entries that i will continue to type up every other day. but maturity doesn't matter at this point, not with this...not anymore.

because there is only so much avoiding you can do of of reality until you are forced to avoid the fantasy you have created.

we always ignore the biggest things
we swore, we swore we never saw,
so all in all my head is sore...
just ignore the elephant that's hanging around,
and i could be your best friend.
Miracle of 86

and i listen for the whisper

when i have nothing constructive to say, i guess i post videos.

this song doesn't have anything to to do with again either. i just go in & out of loving amanda palmer. and this video makes me love her.

don't you know i thought of you

life has been pretty nuts lately.

ups. downs. inbetween.

but at least that means that things aren't boring?



this song has nothing to do with anything really, i just love it and i forget how much i love jaymay & this album until i pick it up again or a song comes up on my shuffle. you can literally hear me in the beginning of the recording say "i love this song." i've heard them sing it together twice & it never gets old to me.




the next show she has up in new york is on my birthday.

phooey.

i'd rather be a mystery

i'm a fake.

not in the terrible way (then again is there a good fake?) but in the way that i have to adjust to my surroundings to get through the day. if i were to say the things i feel or do the things i really wanted, i would be in a different place. my problem is i don't know if that would be a good thing or not.

in every given situation, there is the thing that i did & then something that i wish i would have done. be it the way i would have spoken to this person, the way i would have completed that task or even the way i would have crossed the street.

there is a john mayer quote that has rung true to me since my early days as a freshman in my dorm at stony brook:
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked
I just want to be funny
Look like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

it fits me perfectly. i want to believe that i live my own life, but i don't. i want to impress. i want to be liked. there is nothing wrong with that in theory (i mean even john mayer felt that way), but part of me will forever feel foolish for it.

stillness will sweep you away

this song, along with the whole new record, is so delightful.



check out her daytrotter sessions. i'm always hit or miss with them. usually the full band type things don't do it for me personally. jenny's session is ok (i think mostly this comes from lightning rod not being a track i regularly enjoy), but it is free so you really can't go wrong. but both of her albums are outstanding.


on a side note, helen is coming to town tonight. kebabs will be consumed & songs will be covered. i'm legitimately excited & wish it was already time for her arrival. but before she gets here, i am going to get the new wilco album & this "band in a box" thing they have at the bookstore. exciting!

if i held you tightly

"damn dude. you can't catch a break" - helen
----

i had this whole great idea of what i was going to say here. i even sat here fora while and typed up a couple lines. then i put my headphones on, laid on my bed & listened to music (neutral milk, wilco, tori amos, jeff buckley) for 3+ hrs.

hana said it sounded peaceful.
that is better than the depressing spin one could take on it.

dancing in the dark

i had something to write here. but i lost it.

oops.

i haven't written anything of substance here. maybe later?

catch my troubled head

i want to put music on & drift into sleep.
my ipod is in my car. so no tunes for me.

oh & i'm an idiot. the end.

no one wants to be defeated

michael jackson died yesterday.
everyone is buying his stuff.

personally, i think that is pretty fucked up.

these are people who apparently like his music. but you can only buy all of their things after the fact? yesterday after this elderly spanish couple came in & told me of the news (i literally told them "No." when they informed me he had a heart attack), i put in to get three copies of everything. one woman actually ordered 4 copies of "off the wall" ship to home. i mean nothing does better for your career than you dying.

his music, while quite groundbreaking, will be no different today than it was wednesday.

today i didn't buy anything related to mr. jackson
i did however buy tapestry on vinyl & doug's 1st movie on vhs.

the cars don't stop

i was on the subway on saturday night & one of my friends says out of nowhere "everyone here is an alpha female except for kat." i wanted to respond in a way that would have proven i was strong.

but i had nothing.

i have thought about this statement at least twice a day since she said that. i want to think of a way that i could prove jenn wrong. but i dont' have any. i wake up every morning telling myself that this is going to be the day that i am stronger, that this is going to be the time when i reject that weak thought that would have ruined me 24 hours ago.

but it never is.