that's okay, she don't want the world

I'm currently in the starbucks in Penn station. when I am out late I always either just make or just miss the train I want to take home. this time as the subway doors opened at 12:19, I said to myself (or maybe even outloud) "the train is pulling out of the station right now."

as I was on the platform waiting for the R (or any train to come for that matter) I started thinking. I used to spent a lot of time on the R train (or any other train with a yellow cirlce on it for that matter). and if I wasn't taking it, a certain someone else was. 

and when we met each other anything could happen. and a lot of things did. this is super cryptic, but the point of it all is that those three years really took over my life. at times, it was good. and at times, it was bad. in the end, it began to be more bad than anything else.

it has been another three and a half years since we were last together (I can count on one hand the amount of times we have seen each other since and still have one finger leftover).  so much has happened since then. I can honestly say I am a better person now than I was then. would the relationship last if I was in it today? I hope not. it was likely the most toxic relationship I will ever be in, friendship or romanticly. i lost a lot of my life in that span of time, but what I gained after is something more than I could have asked for. 

I would have never made friends with those people I met at concerts. (and these are some of the people who get me the most. music to me is more than pretty much everything. and these people get that. I can make a face at these people and they know the things that I am feeling because they feel it too...sometimes they are the only ones who I know will get it. also, through them I was able to get to know one of the people who's music hits me deeper than any other.)

I would never have met my new set of college friends. (be it in my education classes or that one drama class, I found people who can help me not fail a class or to make fun music videos with. I've watched them get married or date tug boat captains.  regardless of what we are doing, these are people I will know my whole life...even if it takes us forever to actually make plans to see each other) 

I would have never worked at barnes & noble and met my new crew. (this one is the newest group, but that makes it no less important or any less amazing. I spend more hours in that store than I should, but I have found people that make those 40hrs a week a little less aggravating. they are people had helped me open up myself more than I ever have in the past. so even in the gross corprate conglomerate that I work under, I am able to come out of it a upgraded version of myself...even if I am a mean girl now.)

I don't know of this is where I intended this entry to go (actually I know that it is nowhere close) but i am almost home and almost out of battery on the iPod (the 20% left notice has been pushing through on and off since woodside).

so it's 1:59, i'm passing through manhasset and I'm going to let Sarah McLachlan sing me home.  

If they ask me, I'm with you

i just found my irving plaza ticket for get up kids and kevin devine on Halloween. that saved me having to lie to live nation for about 20 minutes tomorrow morning. it is going to be a magical weekend with two great shows with two great bands with so many fabulous friends.

I also finally got Jeff Buckley's "Grace"on vinyl. if my two Liz Phair albums don't come in the mail tomorrow, I'm going to start taking away starts on someone's eBay feedback. 

it ripped my heart right out

sometimes, I just feel stupid.
this is one of those shining moments.

You have had your fill of me

even if this is temporary, it's been nice forgetting about you.

in other news, one of the reasons why i love this woman:

getting crazy's just a waste of time

"the only thing stopping you is you"

this was told to me by Lauren a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember when or what it was about specifically. all that I know is that I saved it and knew I was going to come back to it later.

today I was being me and then in response she told me:
"you need to have more confidence about yourself"

which is true. i however have a lack of confidence in other people almost as much as I do in myself. that is hard to change, hard to move past. I haven't had any reason to build that confidence in a long time. the last person I really had any interest in dropped me like a bad habit and it was like a string of lovely moments had never happened. and after that I've been stuck with getting forgotten and tossed aside.

I don't think that it is that I feel I am less than. I am relatively happy with myself internally and I'm as a whole rather appathetic with myself externally. I just feel like there has to be someone out there that would like me for all the internal and external characteristics, even the less than favorable ones.

one day I guess...

still I weaken somehow

in bed listening to city and colour and attempting to play some of their songs on my guitar.

in other news, I might bake a pie tomorrow if I wake up early enough.

wash you away boy

tonight I have a headache to go with my sleeplessness.

joy.

listening to Tori Amos and hoping it helps some.

it's been a long, long time

i don't know why but I have felt epicly alone since yesterday evening.

what are they haunted by

Sunday I went with Sharkey & Tina to see toy story in 3D. the 3D was nothing special, but it was good to finally see it on the big screen.

the previous two days at work were overwhelming. this changeover seemed small before it started but really wih all the changes at work took way more time than Eric or I expected. having today off was a wonderful thing. I needed a break.

last night I had a good mini chat with hana. i normally don't talk about my feelings and fears so it was good to get it out. I am just bummer that it happened in the wee hours of the morning... she had to wimp out and go to sleep since she had work early.

today I didn't do too much. I got the new albums by the gossip and Brandi Carlile. I finished my bag of snickers I've been working on. I'm currently listening to "daisy" and drinking some coffee.

tomorrow I get to sleep in but I don't plan on doing that. I am going to get up at a reasonable time and listen to some of the vinyl I have purchased in the last couple weeks but have yet to hear. I want a turntable in my room. hopefully some day soon that can happen.

let what is true subside

I have to be up in four hours to get ready for work which starts in five & a half hours.

hopefully I get some sleep & wake up in time.

but right now a feeling left out jam is on my shuffle, so it might be a while...

these are my heart songs

starting next week, i basically have at least one show to go to every weekend...check the side bar for more info.

life is going to be super lifey, and i am going to love it.