if i held you tightly

"damn dude. you can't catch a break" - helen
----

i had this whole great idea of what i was going to say here. i even sat here fora while and typed up a couple lines. then i put my headphones on, laid on my bed & listened to music (neutral milk, wilco, tori amos, jeff buckley) for 3+ hrs.

hana said it sounded peaceful.
that is better than the depressing spin one could take on it.

dancing in the dark

i had something to write here. but i lost it.

oops.

i haven't written anything of substance here. maybe later?

catch my troubled head

i want to put music on & drift into sleep.
my ipod is in my car. so no tunes for me.

oh & i'm an idiot. the end.

no one wants to be defeated

michael jackson died yesterday.
everyone is buying his stuff.

personally, i think that is pretty fucked up.

these are people who apparently like his music. but you can only buy all of their things after the fact? yesterday after this elderly spanish couple came in & told me of the news (i literally told them "No." when they informed me he had a heart attack), i put in to get three copies of everything. one woman actually ordered 4 copies of "off the wall" ship to home. i mean nothing does better for your career than you dying.

his music, while quite groundbreaking, will be no different today than it was wednesday.

today i didn't buy anything related to mr. jackson
i did however buy tapestry on vinyl & doug's 1st movie on vhs.

the cars don't stop

i was on the subway on saturday night & one of my friends says out of nowhere "everyone here is an alpha female except for kat." i wanted to respond in a way that would have proven i was strong.

but i had nothing.

i have thought about this statement at least twice a day since she said that. i want to think of a way that i could prove jenn wrong. but i dont' have any. i wake up every morning telling myself that this is going to be the day that i am stronger, that this is going to be the time when i reject that weak thought that would have ruined me 24 hours ago.

but it never is.

your heart was dying fast

i like death cab a bit. i like this song greatly. but i like this cover enormously.



"It seems that you live in someone else's dream...and if our hearts were dying that fast, they would have done the same as you. I'd have done the same as you "

let me know the truth

sometimes i feel like i am not doing anything for the cause.

i am comfortable and confident
yet afraid and self consciousness

i'm stuck and i hate it.

a sleep that will never come

Sometimes a man must awake
to find that really, he has no one
So i’ll wait for you and i’ll burn.
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
It’s never over, my kingdom
for a kiss upon her shoulder.

i've been just laying in bed & listening to "Live at Sin-E" but i should be cleaning my room because i have family coming. oops?

sniffing up that mercury

i finished it's always sunny this morning. i have yet to decide what i am going to start watching today. i'm not sure if i want to stick to tv shows or watch a movie.

then again, i might run to my car & get my ipod out of there.
i could use a night of tunes as well. oh, the many choices i have...

don't encourage discipline

i just got back from new jersey about 45 min ago & i have to be up for work in less than 4hrs.

but it was a good night & totally worth not getting even half of my required 8hrs.

it's so hard on us baby

i'm putting some new music on my ipod for the drive to piscataway today.

which means deleting old crap from my ipod. it is starting to get hard to pick things that i don't want anymore. i need a new ipod soon, but not really. i should just stop getting more music.

yeah, that isn't going to happen either.

i couldn't want you more

on previous blogs i have had (xanga, deadjournal, livejournal) i grew into the habit of making lists when i post rather than actually typing out things. i tink i have grown back into that mode of writing.

- i bought a shit ton of books, cds, dvds & vinyl this week. also in the past month i have gone bonkers with buying crap. i am going to have to go on a shopping freeze so i can catch up with myself & actually pay attention to what i bought. i hate having cds still in the plastic. the rest of june is going to have to be very boring so i can at least say i put all that money to good use.

- all this friday shopping proved to be a good distraction to all the crap in my head.

- this weekend is super busy. tomorrow i have work and then chrissy's graduation party out in east bumble fuck. sunday i have off from work and am going to be in new jersey the whole day. i haven't been there in way too long & am more than excited for firepit hangs.

- i have had the new jenny owen youngs record via amie st for a couple weeks now, but having a physical copy is exciting. actually being able to hold it in my hands makes a world of difference. that is why i could never go entirely digital, no matter how expensive it might be. but thankfully i have started to buy used cds. it costs me half as much to have what i would have gotten anyway.

telling strangers personal things

uploaded a new now playing song.

this song always feels perfect, but the parts that sound perfect are always different. i don't know, like sometimes i relate to the first verse the most. then months later it won't mean the same thing as it once did and i'll spend my time singing the 4th verse in my head.

regina's new album comes out in a couple weeks or so. it is called far. but i hear she calls it fart. i must say that she is my kind of woman.

the world just screams & falls apart

here are some quick hits since i haven't been here in days:

- haven't been to jury duty since last monday, just a couple more days till i don't have to worry about it anymore.

- last night i saw kevin at northsix, um, i mean the music hall of williamsburg. i got a spot literally right accross the street. i fucking love rockstar parking.

- i'll be back there tomorrow night for jenny lewis. small venue? i totally can't wait. haven't seen her live since those two shows at town hall all most three years ago.

- i finally got the bonz vinyl. i'm going to lay down with some coffee & a book tomorrow when i wake up & really enjoy it.

- it was a full moon last night. there was no need for lights of any kind last night since the sky was so bright.

- there were so many grasshoppers on my walk way last night. it kind of grossed me out. that might have been the reason i dropped my keys last night.

- i dropped my keys out of my hand, off my front stoop and then in to the bushes last night. i had to try & call my house without waking up my mother. it was a project.

- sharkey called me at like 1:30am. i love how my friends know that i'm always awake that late & obviously have no problem calling me without a fear of waking me up.

- i have a whole bunch of plans and shows coming up. i think this is going to be a good summer.

no one else's problem

you get back here, you do it slowly
do it calm, now. don't be so angry
i've got something i've been chasing
every day since i started walking

it just sits there in the distance
always flirts with the tips of my fingers
and you thought that you could love it
til it touched you, and now you just wanna stop it

well i'm sorry, it's not likely
it was here when you got here
and it'll be here when you're not here no more

then some days i get lucky
i can focus and things are less shakey

i scrape you off the pale moon
and i slip you into soft shoes
and you tap dance to a jazz band
on a cruise ship off near an island
your hairs up, you wear a short dress
and a wide smile, your movements are careless

it's a day dream i've been having
to make the clocks move while i'm working
or a bad joke i can't sit through
but i smile cause i feel like i have to

but if you'd look under the table
you'd see i'm playing with my knife
i'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps
and struggling just to come off polite

and we could be a snapshot
framed, and hung like a portrait
and what if that's true,
and i'm the only one who knows it?