So I'll just sit back

i typed this out last night.

[Start - 1/3/09 11:11pm]

my wireless is acting up and i really don't have any true desire to play geek squad to see what is fucked up. i wanted to type up a blog before but i came upstairs to my room and started playing guitar hero on my DS instead. so now that i am tired of not hitting notes, i am going to type this up in a word processing document and put this up later.

i went downstairs to put some pants in the washing machine. my sister was watching a movie. then i went upstairs and put some music on while i did the dishes. all these things made me think about one thing, but many things that encompass that one thing. then i started to think about how your mind can make your memories up. what i was thinking about happened, but then my mind started to trail off and make things more exciting then it was...like it was adding bits & pieces to it to make me feel more than my heart is telling me to.

there have been times in the last couple months when i have seen something or touched something and i can feel this rush in my chest. the rush starts out as good, kind of making me feel complete. my breath gets deeper and a smile comes onto my face. but then i realize those feelings, those memories aren't real. they aren't what is really happening.

chalk it up to loneliness. blame it on my past experiences. do what you will. but my mind has always made up stories about what it feels and what it wants. i can't remember a time when i haven't been awake in bed for at least an hour making up things. it is like making up my dreams rather than letting my REM cycle do it for me. i lay there and play out stories in my head. the stuff that i let myself think up is mind boggling. most of it is embarrassing and i would never tell another soul the majority of the stories i come up with.

oddly enough, during that time, things rarely work out for me. there is usually some person, event, twist of fate that comes and fucks everything up. it isn't even my subconscious that makes me miserable. i am fully aware and make the choices that can either make me have a pleasant night or cry myself to sleep.

i have said it before & i will say it again, night time has never been good to me. more often than not, it accentuates the negatives in my life. it is kind of like that same question in every stupid online survey i go to post that asks: "Who was the last person you slept next to?" my answer will always either be [a] my pillow [b] my grandmother [c] "arrg" referring to the three years of my life that felt like too many years of my life.

[Start - 1/3/09 11:37pm]

Does it matter that what I remember is not true?
Does it matter that all I can think of is you?
Does it matter that what I remember might be
Just my own imagination painting scenes more pretty?
Is it obvious? Does it show? With thoughts of you I am a glow.
Sarah Harmer "I Am A Glow"