call a loser all for a fix

i wish i was strong.
or at least stronger.

feels like a tourist

i wish i was eloquent.

soon she won't be real either

after her reading this blog thing that i do, sharkey informed me that i can't be sad anymore. noted.

today was a lazy day. i caught myself thinking a little too much & i kind of regret it now. it kind of bummed me out (not the same thing as being sad). sometimes i just get tired of the bullshit, tired of living life as an asshole.

when it comes to myself, my definition of being an asshole is as follows: basically just putting myself out there knowing that i won't be getting anything back. i've lived my whole life this way more often than not. i guess there is part of me that knows that i can't win someone over with just what i have to offer on the outside. i guess it is my way of uselessly trying to have charm. but it fails, everytime. which is why i am still all alone.

but i'm not sad.
not with sharkey & good tunes by my side

i still find you dashing

up watching the special on PBS at 2am
plus amy sedaris is the narrator? joy!

sometimes life isn't so bad.



then again, sometimes it is.

you'll never catch us

i have to leave for work in an hour and a half. so i have just been wandering around my room, straightening up without really cleaning anything. i found some old cards...yeah those kind. i was looking at some of them. thinking about old relationships is a real mind fuck. but looking at them made me both sad & happy. sad because i miss that type of companionship, that type of love, that type of bond. but happy because it was a terrible type of companionship, type of love, type of bond. my mom bought a shredder recently. i might have to put it to good use soon.

reading the cards also made me think of the life i used to have & the life i have now. it made me think of my friends. and how two years ago i really didn't have anyone. now i have some of the greatest groups of people from all aspects of my life...work, school, music, career (yes, career is in there even though i don't have one yet).

someone else would hear me

last night was a fun time out with laura & becca. we got some thai food, went to rockwood for a massive local correspondents show & then went to mercury lounge for my first pablo show since june 2007. it was a good but weird night.

i bought some seedless red grapes this morning. so yummy.

apparently i twitter now. i don't know why i started. mostly to keep up with my peoples. but i might start using it frequently. why not, you know? another space on the internet to take over.

pattern must be destroyed

work was same ol' but it was a good day.

i'm spending my night watching rock of love: tour bus, reading some magazines and listening to some tunes.

i haven't done this in a bit
but here is is again...

sunday: work & then hanging around the house
monday: sleeping in!! & then show hopping in the city
tuesday: work 5-close
wednesday: work 4-close
thursday: work 4-close
friday: no babysitting!!
saturday: work 8-4 & going to jessi's show

(a nice lunch with chissy should be happening before work some day this week. it will occur whenever i am not lazy or when the mood strikes me)

tomorrows show hopping includes a mega local correspondent show at rockwood and then pablo at mercury lounge? it might prove to be an interesting night, but a least i'll have laura & maybe becca by my side.

nothing lasts forever

i sort of overslept for work. & i have spent my evening watching tool academy, drinking tea, eating waffles and downloading ray lamontagne.

i have also decided to actively not be an asshole anymore
it doesn't pay off and in the end i'm still all alone.

a couple weeks ago someone told me not to give up. and i said back to them, without missing a beat that i won't ever give up, but i am just done trying. it is sad & depressing, but it is what it is. no matter how much i have learned over the last couple years, it is never fun crying yourself to sleep and it is the pits not being wanted. sometimes i feel it is no one's fault but my own that my life has ended up in the place it has. i see happy couples and i am sad i'm alone. i hear about break-ups and i am glad to be single.

i guess it is a double edged sword no matter which way you swing it.

(i think i might have, even cryptically, said too much)

i don't care what the captain said

i'm going to see tucker max tonight in the city.

i'm not exactly sure why...oh well.

sparks that ring and bullets fly

so i didn't do it yesterday but i changed the song now. it isn't really happy & joyful as per Betty's request. however it was on my computer & it makes me fucking dance.

so. things? they have been alright. i feel lately my mood is entirely different from day to day. this past week has been good and silly and nuts and crazy. but it has been fine. life is actually pretty good. i could list more than one reason why i should be going a little wacky right now, but i am not. i feel like i am stronger than i have ever been.

something "fun" from this past week was a book signing at the store. jeff kinney was there. he wrote the books in the "diary of a wimpy kid" series. over 3,000 people showed up. this is sharkey holding back the mob:

i was on the cashwrap trying to keep people smoothly to each register. i don't know why they kept the short music seller up there, but i think i did alright for myself. tomorrow is mary pope osbourne. there is a 1,000 people limit on wristbands. oh and she broke her wrist, so her & her people are going to be stamping books with her signature. there are going to be a lot of pissed off parents.

all of both and none of one

i need to practice self control.

i also need a new song in this piece. while jessi is great, christmas has been over for way too long to keep that here. it is like the christmas lights are still up on my house...oh wait, they are. but we don't actually turn them on so it isn't too bad.

by night fall tomorrow, there will be something new playing.

i'm done fooling around

entry number 150.
i don't really have much to say. i have been feeling better about life lately. i know it isn't going to last, but i know that it won't be as bad as it has been. sometimes it takes a real kick in the ass to be able to be ok again. for three years i was in a relationship that would shape the rest of my life. after that was over, i felt like i had a life again. this past summer, i felt human again. but for the last couple months i have felt the effects of being human...all the despair and the heartbreak that goes with it.

but life goes on.
life is good, then it's shitty.
but it does become good again.

so all those nights that i cried myself to sleep since august were not in vain. they have helped me see that life is shit. but at the same time, life isn't too bad at all.

and now some music to make you happy:

voices out of nowhere

i haven't slept more than a half an hour since i woke up friday morning at 10:30ish.

that isn't a complaint.
i actually feel really good.

i'm a picture of ugly stories

(oh, an alice cooper quote totally deserves an alice cooper tag)

my internet was down for two days
i was going to hand write an entry

but now it is back
so, maybe next time?

overdose on empty promises

i create my own setbacks.
but sometimes, i just can't help it.

like right now, i am fighting the urge to make myself a bigger asshole than i have been in the previous months, or in my entire life. it is like, even though i know that it will be pointless, part of me just won't let go. it's like that one part of me still thinks that anything is possible, like i am worth something more than i know i'm not.

i envy that part of me.

even though it isn't powerful enough to make me send that email, it is strong enough to make me toss & turn all night.

So I'll just sit back

i typed this out last night.

[Start - 1/3/09 11:11pm]

my wireless is acting up and i really don't have any true desire to play geek squad to see what is fucked up. i wanted to type up a blog before but i came upstairs to my room and started playing guitar hero on my DS instead. so now that i am tired of not hitting notes, i am going to type this up in a word processing document and put this up later.

i went downstairs to put some pants in the washing machine. my sister was watching a movie. then i went upstairs and put some music on while i did the dishes. all these things made me think about one thing, but many things that encompass that one thing. then i started to think about how your mind can make your memories up. what i was thinking about happened, but then my mind started to trail off and make things more exciting then it was...like it was adding bits & pieces to it to make me feel more than my heart is telling me to.

there have been times in the last couple months when i have seen something or touched something and i can feel this rush in my chest. the rush starts out as good, kind of making me feel complete. my breath gets deeper and a smile comes onto my face. but then i realize those feelings, those memories aren't real. they aren't what is really happening.

chalk it up to loneliness. blame it on my past experiences. do what you will. but my mind has always made up stories about what it feels and what it wants. i can't remember a time when i haven't been awake in bed for at least an hour making up things. it is like making up my dreams rather than letting my REM cycle do it for me. i lay there and play out stories in my head. the stuff that i let myself think up is mind boggling. most of it is embarrassing and i would never tell another soul the majority of the stories i come up with.

oddly enough, during that time, things rarely work out for me. there is usually some person, event, twist of fate that comes and fucks everything up. it isn't even my subconscious that makes me miserable. i am fully aware and make the choices that can either make me have a pleasant night or cry myself to sleep.

i have said it before & i will say it again, night time has never been good to me. more often than not, it accentuates the negatives in my life. it is kind of like that same question in every stupid online survey i go to post that asks: "Who was the last person you slept next to?" my answer will always either be [a] my pillow [b] my grandmother [c] "arrg" referring to the three years of my life that felt like too many years of my life.

[Start - 1/3/09 11:37pm]

Does it matter that what I remember is not true?
Does it matter that all I can think of is you?
Does it matter that what I remember might be
Just my own imagination painting scenes more pretty?
Is it obvious? Does it show? With thoughts of you I am a glow.
Sarah Harmer "I Am A Glow"

look at me, hands in the air

albums i have purchased within the last month:
(in an order that would make them look nice here)


i think i am going to try and purchase one cd a week. that is at least 52 new cds for 2009(for those math dummies reading this). this past year i went up 73 cds, but 21 of them were instore play cds. which oddly enough makes 52. crap. i was trying to have some sort of cool goal to reach. well it is better than 2007's total of 36. maybe i will set a goal of 5 cds a month, or basically 60 within the year (however it works out monthly). that is doable, right? i did 52 last year without even trying.

and yes, i do log this stuff. i started keeping track october 2005. i remember where i got all of my cds, but i can't recall when before then, so i log as i go. i also keep track of the shows i go to. it is my selective OCD coming through...music and parking.


anywho...
when i was babysitting i was talking to the wonderful jessica perry. and i started to think about life. i have graduated from college. i have been done for about three weeks. i haven't done anything with my life at all that will lead to me being an adult. i work in a bookstore full time. i haven't been looking for job openings. i haven't been writing a resume. i haven't been putting together a portfolio.

but the thing is that i am fine with that. and i don't know if that is a good thing. i like working full time since it is helping me have money again. i like knowing that i can do things and go places and all i need to do is put a little X in a box to request the time off. i have been in school for 20+ years. i want a break from that life. i want to be able to not be the adult i technically should be. i want to go to shows. i want to hang out. i want to spend money.

i always thought that i would be jumping into this. i have friends who are...friends who are in grad school, who are on interviews. but i will be found welcoming customers into their local barnes and noble five days a week. i will be found in central jersey eating wawa around a firepit. i will be at a bar/venue on a school night. i will be driving around junction blvd looking for real mexican food.

i had a taste of life a while back.
i have a craving for it once again.