all the birds fly south

i can search the internet all i want...

but i'm still here
i'm still pathetic
and i'm still alone



i'm going to get my ipod out of my car, put
on some music & try to sleep my life away

tired of wasting time

[Now Playing] Manchester Orchestra - How I Waited

i feel really drained so far this evening

work was alright. but driving home today, i felt myself fading out a whole lot. i would just stare. sometimes thinking, sometimes not. and even at home, i've been pretty out of it. i feel like when my mind doesn't have anything to do, it just becomes this big messy mush.

i think i am going to watch tv and try to stop myself from the tears i can feel building up behind my eyes

retail doesn't count

labor day weekend has begun.

"Labor Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September. The holiday originated in 1882 as the Central Labor Union (of New York City) sought to create 'a day off for the working citizens'." (from wikipedia.org)

i'll be at the store eight hours a day for my entire three day weekend. but that's ok i guess. it gives me less time to hopelessly hopeless. and i'm finally doing some laundry. i was putting it off until i realized that if i didn't do at least one shirt, i would have nothing to wear to work tomorrow. and i don't think anyone there wants to see me naked. then again i don't want to be naked with anyone i work with...well at least no one from the music dept. ;o)



oh. i posted a garfield comic above. it is from this website called Garfield Without Garfield. it is a pretty neat concept. the guy who runs it, edits out garfield in all the comics so all you get is jon arbuckle. some of them are funny. others are just sad. i like them. the one above was the only one that i felt i could put there without being to obviously stupid/pathetic. maybe i'll change them up every now and again. but for now, this one is a keeper.

spoils of the spoiled

student teaching today went well. my teacher seems super nice & i think that we'll get along splendidly.

i just got myself the Mad Men soundtrack. i haven't seen the show, but the music from that period is just delightful. and anything with ella fitzgerald on it wins in my book. check it. i think i might make a copy and see if eric will let me play it in the store. i hope so.

i have class at 9:30, but i have to go get my parking permit & then get the forms for insurance. i don't have all the money for it. where is universal health care when my bank account needs it?






i don't think i like myself anymore.

i before e, except after c

i'm a creature of habit.


from the trivial...
i have had my current cell phone for over a year now...
and i still press the wrong buttons for certain features because those where the ones that i used on my old one

to the just plain fucked up
i know what will break my heart everytime...
and i still walk, talk, think, breathe in the direction that will make my heart crack even more



it is almost midnight. i'm not tired. i start student teaching again tomorrow. no matter how good my new hair looks, if i oversleep - i am fucked. plus i have to wake up even earlier than i need to b/c i have to actually make my lunch. oh real life...i don't adore you.

temporary fix

i'm home.


it was nice to see all my family but i had much less distractions than i need in my life. take away the family things, all i did this weekend was read 'watchmen' and listen to basically five albums. i don't know why, but i restricted myself to adele - 19, archer's of loaf - icky mettle, death cab for cutie - narrow stairs & all songs i have by gregory and the hawk (on the way home, i put on pablo, b/c staten island inspired me? and i haven't really listened to them in a long time)

i listened to the adele record the most. there are a couple songs on it that i totally fell in love with this weekend. granted, it is for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. one of those songs is "best for last." it is my new "Now Playing" song on the side of my page. enjoy.


so summer ends & real life officially begins on thursday. i start student teaching again bright & early on thursday. friday i have class and write out a check for $655 to pay for health insurance. joy. but other than the lack of money in my life, i am happy for my life to be busy again. my mind has never been ok when i have enough time to think about all the reasons for me to be unhappy. lately, more of them have been coming to life/resurfacing. hopefully four busy months spent in elementary school will keep my mind somewhat on track.

also tina is home from los angeles for a bit. she is going away with her family at the end of the week but then she stays home again for while before going back to the west coast. after that, laura comes home from oxford for good. it will be nice to have friends that live 5 minutes away from me again.

four lane highways

[Now Playing] Kevin Devine - Love me, I'm a Liberal

it is 245 am.
and i'm (not surprisingly) awake.

tomorrow is basically - laundry, gathering supplies, work till closing. then at ~5am on thursday, i'll be on my way to virgina. i won't be back until sometime sunday. it will be nice to see my family, but i'm not too thrilled about the the 8hrs worth of driving between my house & midlothian, va.

they all moved down there. but i think they should move back up.

why bother

sometimes, life makes me tired.

clare's gathering was groovy. got home late & had work at 9am. i didn't do much, but it went well. family came over for pizza & birthday cake.


i'm going to lay in bed & watch empire records. usually it is pretty pointless, but i might as well try to sleep. student teaching meeting tomorrow at 10am. joy.

at least i am going to see some people i enjoy.

blue moon

the moon is beautiful tonight.

last semester i was supposed to record the moon daily. i never did but i always looked at it. the habit of looking for the moon stuck. so tonight when i pulled into my driveway at about midnight, as i got out of the car - i looked up. it was beautiful. it lit up the whole sky. my dumb sister didn't leave the outside light on for me, but because of the moon, it wasn't an issue (even though i did walk through a spiderweb.)

i wanted to capture it, be able to share what i saw. i could have gotten my camera from the car, but it wouldn't do it justice. i do have crayons in my car, but crayola could never compare. then i thought how someone with the right vocabulary should be able to transfer what i saw to someone else. i don't have that way with words.

i have friends who can write a song, poem, even a blog, and portray something so vividly. i am a 25 year old that is only capable of bad teenage poetry and blogs about wondering how i hug. it seems that i am able to feel things sharply but resort to 3rd grade conversation to get them out.

but 3rd grade wordplay is better than nothing, no?

damn that smile

another year older, not another year wiser.

it ain't just a river in egypt

i was just thinking the other day how i haven't cried in a long while.

but here i am...eyes all watery.

i have a feeling that before i fall asleep, the crying will begin again.

happy early birthday to me.

whatever & ever

[Now Playing] Colour Revolt - Innocent and All

i'm feeling lonely.

maybe it's because of the whole birthday thing. i don't really know. but from the moment i woke up, i have just felt drained. today is one of those days where i just want to drive & drive. i don't really want to be alone, but i am (as usual). so i actually think that this evening i am going to go out & drive. i'm not too sure where i'm going to go. all i know is that i have to be at work at 10am tomorrow. but hopefully my travels won't take me out that late. it probably isn't too good for me to be roaming around long island in the dead of a wednesday night.

whatever.

Go shorty

my birthday is on friday.

i don't have anything going on. it just isn't working out to be anything eventful. i might go get food the night before or the day after, but that is it. & even those plans are iffy. i'm even babysitting on my birthday. people have been telling me that i should be doing anything. this year i really don't care too much. sometimes when you care about something and it doesn't work out, you get let down. everyone is working different times and no one can get together all at once. even my family isn't celebrating on firday. in the end, i think i might just sleep late & treat myself to some chinese food.

so really - it will be like a normal friday off

and everything after

yes. august is shaping up to be a good month.

timing is everything?

"trust your intuition, the universe is guiding your life"

that is the fortune from the chinese food i had for lunch today

i've been thinking a whole bunch about my intuition lately. i'm not going to trust it when i'm not exactly sure what it is even trying to tell me. it has been taking me for a gnarly roller coaster ride lately.

i've got love in my tummy

[Now Playing] Sarah McLachlan - Mary (i'm bringing this album back into my life, which is good b/c it deserves to be there. and if you don't know it, pick it up & fall in love)

i like food. you could say that i am a fan.

i'm all about baked goods. getting chinese food makes my day bright and lovely. when i go to jersey to see my friends, trips are centered around it. wawa, diners, gravy. the excitement that we have over mac&cheese isn't probably too healthy, but that is fine with me.

i mean, i'm not gonna front, i'm a big girl. i'm not happy with my weight, but i have been bigger so i can't complain. i think at my heaviest i was 216 (or at least that is the most i have seen on a scale). i am comfortable enough with myself now that i don't get depressed over it on a regular basis. i have my moments when i use that as my fall back reason, but we all have our own personal excuses for ourselves.

this is being brought up b/c i had to bring my car to the mechanic this morning & had to get up super early for a day that i didn't have to work (7:30am is annoying after not sleeping until after 3:30am). i was planning on getting an egg sandwich and a half&half [half iced tea/half lemonade] at the deli. after it coming up in conversation, i changed my mind on the drive & got dunkin donuts. as the woman was ringing me up, she goes to me "you have lost a lot of weight."

while it is a good ting for someone to tell you, i always have had a hard time responding to that comment. i have really never actively tried to lose weight. i mean i change a thing or two here & there in my diet, but nothing major. when i lost all that weight a couple years ago, i cut out soda & tried not to eat as much bread. i wasn't active beyond my normal nonactive self. but with little changes, i lost almost 60 pounds. and i really never notice when i am losing weight. it is one of those things that all of a sudden you notice that something does/doesn't fit.

anywho, i responded in my normal - "oh really? i didn't notice." i know i have been eating differently lately. i eat when i am home & bored. but i have been working a whole bunch lately and have had a bit of a social life, which keeps me distracted from eating more than i know i should. the woman responded saying that i indeed had & that i looked good.

then she handed me my coffee, my chocolate glazed & my boston creme...which i inhaled when i got home.

maybe the jokes on me

[Now Playing] Gregory and the Hawk - Boats & Birds

life is funny sometimes.

i feel like i am making huge strides
& then i feel like i'm trying too hard



i kind of want to sleep just to be
able to wake up fresh tomorrow.

i'd rather be wandering

[Now Playing] REM - Moral Kiosk

sometimes i wonder about things...

i wonder when i will be able to fully support myself
i wonder how good the new straylight run record might be
i wonder why people actually like me & are my friends
i wonder what i am going to do when my ipod runs out of room
i wonder if i'll ever not be single anytime in the future
i wonder what i could accomplish with a non-shitty camera
i wonder if i'll ever stop being a sucker for all the things i should avoid
i wonder what it's like to be in a band & have music be my job
i wonder if i'm a failure or just have yet to succeed
i wonder if i give good hugs

the 8th month of the year

today was a good day.
it was long, but a good one.
it is actually still going quite well

my last entry wasn't too positive,
but i am think august might be a good month.

except that "going back to school" part that happens at the end.

that isn't very good.

oh the places you'll [never] go

there are times when i am in my car and i just want to drive & keep driving.

[imagine the whole two big paragraphs of words that were here before i came back and deleted them]

i'm going to be 25 in two weeks and i feel like i'm nowhere. and not that someone needs to be 100% by my age, but i am just tired of who i'm not.

i feel like there is something in me that is screaming to get out. but the older that i get the more i think that it isn't ever going to.