the mighty, mighty meadow

(i am home now, this was written while i was babysitting. enjoy?)

so yesterday i didn't have too much to do during the day. actually i had nothing to do during the day. i sat around. in the evening, there was more on my plate. i went to dinner with sharkey, michelle & lauren. we had a fun time roaming the island. apparently thursday nights are going to be our go out night. i think i can handle that. maybe.

today i didn't have too much to do again either. i went to best buy for the second day in a row. thursday night i went to pass time before dinner. i picked up the new thursday record and played some guitar hero to an audience of 4 year olds. today i went and picked up the first bayside album and the new records by two tongues & m. ward. i don't know why, but i have fallen back into the whole buying records thing. i think this is 7 thus far in the month of february. it is good for my collection, but bad for my wallet. and i also saw ms. laura silver. we went to the sands point preserve and walked around. it was a cold day but once we were in the woods, it wasn't too bad. we really need to find a nice day to go. last time it was raining. this time it was freezing. one day we will get this whole hanging outside thing right.

the rest of this weekend is pretty boring & lame. tonight is babysitting. tomorrow is work all day & then babysitting at night. sunday is more work early in the morning. my weekends aren't too exciting that this point in time. maybe one day soon they will start to get exciting again...i hope.

~~~~

alright.
so it is late.
i am tired.
work is in about 8 hours.

adios.

sparks that ring and bullets fly

so i didn't do it yesterday but i changed the song now. it isn't really happy & joyful as per Betty's request. however it was on my computer & it makes me fucking dance.

so. things? they have been alright. i feel lately my mood is entirely different from day to day. this past week has been good and silly and nuts and crazy. but it has been fine. life is actually pretty good. i could list more than one reason why i should be going a little wacky right now, but i am not. i feel like i am stronger than i have ever been.

something "fun" from this past week was a book signing at the store. jeff kinney was there. he wrote the books in the "diary of a wimpy kid" series. over 3,000 people showed up. this is sharkey holding back the mob:

i was on the cashwrap trying to keep people smoothly to each register. i don't know why they kept the short music seller up there, but i think i did alright for myself. tomorrow is mary pope osbourne. there is a 1,000 people limit on wristbands. oh and she broke her wrist, so her & her people are going to be stamping books with her signature. there are going to be a lot of pissed off parents.

i'm a picture of ugly stories

(oh, an alice cooper quote totally deserves an alice cooper tag)

my internet was down for two days
i was going to hand write an entry

but now it is back
so, maybe next time?

overdose on empty promises

i create my own setbacks.
but sometimes, i just can't help it.

like right now, i am fighting the urge to make myself a bigger asshole than i have been in the previous months, or in my entire life. it is like, even though i know that it will be pointless, part of me just won't let go. it's like that one part of me still thinks that anything is possible, like i am worth something more than i know i'm not.

i envy that part of me.

even though it isn't powerful enough to make me send that email, it is strong enough to make me toss & turn all night.

who you gonna call

i just put on pajama bottoms, sweats,
a shirt and a sweatshirt & i'm still cold

hopefully my covers will warm me up

plus ghostbusters II is on & that
can only make the night better

makes life worth living

[Now Watching] VH1: The Pick-Up Artist 2

i cracked the faceplate of my outlit when i was plugging in my amp

so now i don't want to put on my light until i can have my dad look at it. but my parents are in PA and are not going to be back until monday night, maybe tuesday. i have already forgotten 2 times in the last 20 minutes.

it should be fine
i'm over paranoid.


but it was worth it. it felt so good to play my electric. i haven't really felt that pleasant in awhile. it is funny how six vibrating strings can make me happy.

put the lonesome on the shelf

[Now Strumming] Ingrid Michaelson - You & I

i kind of...

- want a macbook.
- wish i didn't say i was going to work friday night.
- want to eat the apple that is in my refridgerator.
- am smiling about something i shouldn't be.
- should start my homework that is due tomorrow
- am super happy that my manchester/kevin tickets arrived
- butcher songs by other people regularly

- should be on my way to work already, or at least be getting ready.

we all die a little each day

september is over in a a bunch of minutes. i'm kind of happy to have october start. not for any real reason. maybe this month will be a good one. i doubt it, but it could happen.


on the way home from work, i just wanted to curl into bed. i wanted to magically be home in my pjs and be comfy under the covers. i also really wanted a stuffed animal. i was never a cuddle with a nylon stuffed creature type person. but that was all that i could focus on this afternoon. i took my carebear off the top of my dashboard and hugged it. i felt not better, but calm. i would have closed my eyes to enjoy it more, but i probably would have died.

but really, it felt nice to hold & hug my silly little carebear. when i got into my driveway, i gave it a little kiss on the head and put it back where it has sat undisturbed for the last year or two.


(taken on the bqe during the drive to philly last week)

i have a feeling it might be put to work a whole bunch more in the future.

just the cast changes nightly

i am so antsy right now
which is making me totally antsy in my pantsy.

i feel like i have ADHD & i am hoping that typing this will calm me down either because my fingers can fidget in a productive way or because it will get some thoughts out. however i really don't have any thoughts. it is just my fingers that are all wired.

so they are just going to tap and tap and tap the table

place at the end of the line

my head is kind of messy this evening



and it doesn't help that 'i love money' isn't on because of the damn mtv music video awards. way to make my life miserable, vh1!

oh what a joy

the show at the bowery was good. there were a bunch of guests which was nice. but i do miss kevin's solo shows. hopefully he will get to play one around here soon. ::crosses fingers:: when i get home from work later i am going to have to look at all the pictures that i took & make them all pretty looking for the world to see.

life right now is busy and confusing and odd. there are some parts where i really don't know what is going on. last night when i got home i fell asleep and started this weird sleep pattern that followed through to the end of the night. and then i had a dream before i woke up the last time that i don't even really know how to process.

but i don't have the time to try right now. i have to get ready for work and then actually go soon. even with all the sleep that i got, i still want to go back to bed.

comtempt leads to the present

sometimes i feel i can't make any progress.

but then sometimes the things that are shitty
aren't really important compared to other things.

spoils of the spoiled

student teaching today went well. my teacher seems super nice & i think that we'll get along splendidly.

i just got myself the Mad Men soundtrack. i haven't seen the show, but the music from that period is just delightful. and anything with ella fitzgerald on it wins in my book. check it. i think i might make a copy and see if eric will let me play it in the store. i hope so.

i have class at 9:30, but i have to go get my parking permit & then get the forms for insurance. i don't have all the money for it. where is universal health care when my bank account needs it?






i don't think i like myself anymore.

i before e, except after c

i'm a creature of habit.


from the trivial...
i have had my current cell phone for over a year now...
and i still press the wrong buttons for certain features because those where the ones that i used on my old one

to the just plain fucked up
i know what will break my heart everytime...
and i still walk, talk, think, breathe in the direction that will make my heart crack even more



it is almost midnight. i'm not tired. i start student teaching again tomorrow. no matter how good my new hair looks, if i oversleep - i am fucked. plus i have to wake up even earlier than i need to b/c i have to actually make my lunch. oh real life...i don't adore you.

temporary fix

i'm home.


it was nice to see all my family but i had much less distractions than i need in my life. take away the family things, all i did this weekend was read 'watchmen' and listen to basically five albums. i don't know why, but i restricted myself to adele - 19, archer's of loaf - icky mettle, death cab for cutie - narrow stairs & all songs i have by gregory and the hawk (on the way home, i put on pablo, b/c staten island inspired me? and i haven't really listened to them in a long time)

i listened to the adele record the most. there are a couple songs on it that i totally fell in love with this weekend. granted, it is for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. one of those songs is "best for last." it is my new "Now Playing" song on the side of my page. enjoy.


so summer ends & real life officially begins on thursday. i start student teaching again bright & early on thursday. friday i have class and write out a check for $655 to pay for health insurance. joy. but other than the lack of money in my life, i am happy for my life to be busy again. my mind has never been ok when i have enough time to think about all the reasons for me to be unhappy. lately, more of them have been coming to life/resurfacing. hopefully four busy months spent in elementary school will keep my mind somewhat on track.

also tina is home from los angeles for a bit. she is going away with her family at the end of the week but then she stays home again for while before going back to the west coast. after that, laura comes home from oxford for good. it will be nice to have friends that live 5 minutes away from me again.

blue moon

the moon is beautiful tonight.

last semester i was supposed to record the moon daily. i never did but i always looked at it. the habit of looking for the moon stuck. so tonight when i pulled into my driveway at about midnight, as i got out of the car - i looked up. it was beautiful. it lit up the whole sky. my dumb sister didn't leave the outside light on for me, but because of the moon, it wasn't an issue (even though i did walk through a spiderweb.)

i wanted to capture it, be able to share what i saw. i could have gotten my camera from the car, but it wouldn't do it justice. i do have crayons in my car, but crayola could never compare. then i thought how someone with the right vocabulary should be able to transfer what i saw to someone else. i don't have that way with words.

i have friends who can write a song, poem, even a blog, and portray something so vividly. i am a 25 year old that is only capable of bad teenage poetry and blogs about wondering how i hug. it seems that i am able to feel things sharply but resort to 3rd grade conversation to get them out.

but 3rd grade wordplay is better than nothing, no?

damn that smile

another year older, not another year wiser.

whatever & ever

[Now Playing] Colour Revolt - Innocent and All

i'm feeling lonely.

maybe it's because of the whole birthday thing. i don't really know. but from the moment i woke up, i have just felt drained. today is one of those days where i just want to drive & drive. i don't really want to be alone, but i am (as usual). so i actually think that this evening i am going to go out & drive. i'm not too sure where i'm going to go. all i know is that i have to be at work at 10am tomorrow. but hopefully my travels won't take me out that late. it probably isn't too good for me to be roaming around long island in the dead of a wednesday night.

whatever.

timing is everything?

"trust your intuition, the universe is guiding your life"

that is the fortune from the chinese food i had for lunch today

i've been thinking a whole bunch about my intuition lately. i'm not going to trust it when i'm not exactly sure what it is even trying to tell me. it has been taking me for a gnarly roller coaster ride lately.

i've got love in my tummy

[Now Playing] Sarah McLachlan - Mary (i'm bringing this album back into my life, which is good b/c it deserves to be there. and if you don't know it, pick it up & fall in love)

i like food. you could say that i am a fan.

i'm all about baked goods. getting chinese food makes my day bright and lovely. when i go to jersey to see my friends, trips are centered around it. wawa, diners, gravy. the excitement that we have over mac&cheese isn't probably too healthy, but that is fine with me.

i mean, i'm not gonna front, i'm a big girl. i'm not happy with my weight, but i have been bigger so i can't complain. i think at my heaviest i was 216 (or at least that is the most i have seen on a scale). i am comfortable enough with myself now that i don't get depressed over it on a regular basis. i have my moments when i use that as my fall back reason, but we all have our own personal excuses for ourselves.

this is being brought up b/c i had to bring my car to the mechanic this morning & had to get up super early for a day that i didn't have to work (7:30am is annoying after not sleeping until after 3:30am). i was planning on getting an egg sandwich and a half&half [half iced tea/half lemonade] at the deli. after it coming up in conversation, i changed my mind on the drive & got dunkin donuts. as the woman was ringing me up, she goes to me "you have lost a lot of weight."

while it is a good ting for someone to tell you, i always have had a hard time responding to that comment. i have really never actively tried to lose weight. i mean i change a thing or two here & there in my diet, but nothing major. when i lost all that weight a couple years ago, i cut out soda & tried not to eat as much bread. i wasn't active beyond my normal nonactive self. but with little changes, i lost almost 60 pounds. and i really never notice when i am losing weight. it is one of those things that all of a sudden you notice that something does/doesn't fit.

anywho, i responded in my normal - "oh really? i didn't notice." i know i have been eating differently lately. i eat when i am home & bored. but i have been working a whole bunch lately and have had a bit of a social life, which keeps me distracted from eating more than i know i should. the woman responded saying that i indeed had & that i looked good.

then she handed me my coffee, my chocolate glazed & my boston creme...which i inhaled when i got home.