i didn't sign up for this kid shit

it has been days.

reasons?

well i haven't been in the mood for too much. my days have been so filled with teaching and work. i've overslept twice since i have been here last. also crying your eyes out all the time does eventually take it's toll. i haven't been this emotional in a long time and i am not used to it. not that anyone should be. i think that i have cried at some point every day since monday.

i could blame it on so many things, but really it falls on myself. i do, think, read, touch, feel things that make me upset. my whole life has been that way. i run away from things, but at the same time i forcably keep myself connected to them. why? who knows. all that i do know is that i hate myself for being that way and i hate myself when i am that way.



lately i have been really interested in clouds. maybe it has been the shitfest my life has become. but there is something about them that really is pulling me in. in the car, i have been looking at the sky more than i have the road. friday of last week, the day before the big ol' tropical storm came, the clouds were amazing. when i was driving to the train station, i was totally blown away by what i saw. the speed the clouds were moving was faster than i have ever noticed them to be. i was riding on the train as the sun was starting to go down. i took so many pictures of the sun peaking out. part of me wanted to get off every stop so i could just stare up. the layers of clouds were baffling.

i took some pictures, but they didn't even come close to capturing what i was looking at:







it's the weekend so i have to work a whole bunch, but i do have hours free. which is good for my sleep cycle, but bad when it comes to distracting me from everything else.

room enough for two

it's 2:44am.
i still am up & haven't done my school work.



i did how ever cry my eyes out again & enjoy some carole king.

i learned somethings about her too.
thanks pbs.

what little we possess

[Now Playing] Matt Pryor - Hover Near Fame (Live at Bowery Ballroom)

i should be asleep. but i'm not. i should have done my homework that is due tomorrow. but i haven't. there are so many things that should be done. but i've not been doing any of them.


i realized today how much of a shitty friend i have been to someone. she knows who she is because she pretty much told me the other day i was being an asshole. i was an asshole out convenience. i tend to run away from things, avoid things when i don't want to deal. and if you live almost 800 miles away, i'll be able to shut you out pretty fucking easily.

to be honest, i started talking to her again because i was told i was an asshole and i didn't want to be called one. however today we were on the phone for an hour & a half (at least that is what my phone timer told me) . within that 90 minutes, she listened to me. she didn't have to. i was crying and all pathetic. if i was her, i wouldn't have listened to i was saying or been nice to me. she did both things.

and then at the end of the conversation, she made me laugh. the way i was feeling was really terrible. and with the tears streaming down my face and the snot that formed, she made me bounce back from it. that really takes someone amazing to do so.


even though i have been a fucking emotional miserable person the last bunch of weeks, i am glad i have my friend back.

they really didn't want us around

oh and i talk way too much
shut up katharine, shut up

place at the end of the line

my head is kind of messy this evening



and it doesn't help that 'i love money' isn't on because of the damn mtv music video awards. way to make my life miserable, vh1!

oh what a joy

the show at the bowery was good. there were a bunch of guests which was nice. but i do miss kevin's solo shows. hopefully he will get to play one around here soon. ::crosses fingers:: when i get home from work later i am going to have to look at all the pictures that i took & make them all pretty looking for the world to see.

life right now is busy and confusing and odd. there are some parts where i really don't know what is going on. last night when i got home i fell asleep and started this weird sleep pattern that followed through to the end of the night. and then i had a dream before i woke up the last time that i don't even really know how to process.

but i don't have the time to try right now. i have to get ready for work and then actually go soon. even with all the sleep that i got, i still want to go back to bed.

it's only your life

[Now Playing] Colour Revolt - Daytrotter Sessions

kevin devine & matt pryor tonight at bowery ballroom
i haven't seen kevin in months, nor have i seen jess & bex.

it is going to be an exciting night

except that i have work at 8am
& that a tropical storm's probably
ruining my saturday night plans

comtempt leads to the present

sometimes i feel i can't make any progress.

but then sometimes the things that are shitty
aren't really important compared to other things.

practice, take two....

[Now Playing] Patty Griffin - I Write The Book

"It's going to be really hot. Be prepared to sweat under your boobs."

while i miss kelly tons and was totally spoiled last year, i think my co-operating teacher and i are going to get along well this semester.




i paid a credit card bill over the interweb monday morning. citicards say it went through, but it still hasn't shown up on my bank account. then again the parking check i wrote hasn't gone through either. maybe i'll wait a couple days before i freak out.

it don't feel like the truth

[Now Playing] Patty Griffin - Truth #1

last night wasn't fun for my brain.

today, i have had a headache since i left work.


my neck hurts, my body aches and so does my head. i think i am getting sick. i hope i feel better by tomorrow morning in time for student teaching.