we're totally at odds

i have been toiling the last couple days when my shuffle came on my ipod over what i should put here for a new song.

i finally picked one

When you're close to me
Something stirs in me
Oh, the beast is free
But I know you'll never be

it is 'chase' by leona naess. her new cd was on the instore play list at work and it sparked me to get more into her again lately. this song is off her first cd, which i have had since it came out. it is my life in a song. enjoy it.

with music you don't need

because i've been posting pictures lately
& since all i've wanted to do lately is cry

here is another from a site i haven't visited in ages


dinner tonight will hopefully make me feel better.

found safety in this loneliness

ever since i got home from work
the day has been totally crappy

i have a lovely date with ms. helen
tomorrow night, so life will be good

but to help make me feel better right now,
here are some pictures from the other night.
(none of brian, but i did get a glorious video)








oh & black friday was alright.
no laptops at 5am at the store
it was just like a busy saturday

and i'm thanking you for it

what am i thankful for?

that i got to work all night and didn't have to help prep for today!

oh and that my netflix automatically took itself off hold, which is fun when i don't have a working dvd player or any time to actually watch any movies.

alright, off to shower & find other things to do to put off being a helpful member of my family on this joyous holiday.

cause we care, not for the thrill

tomorrow will be an amazing day...my first real solo show.


it might kill me.
so i might need names to cover my shift wed night at the store

besides massive hangs with the team,
more than anything i am always most excited to see kevin.

it has been a month since cmj, and a month always feels too long when it comes between shows. i have seen kevin perform many times and it is always just as fresh as the first time 3.5 years ago. there is something about him and the music that he plays that gets me every time. as a normal guy, he is probably one of the best dudes that i know. he is always legit and he gets it. as a musician, the music never fails me. there is always some deep emotion that i can get from the words and the notes that he chooses. the same song can make me feel empowered one moment, cry the next, and help everything make sense not far after that. it is just real.

there's just one thing I got

in response to the description my last post...the last thing that happens to me is that my lips tense up. i think it is another measure to prevent myself from crying. i push my lips together and kind of bite on my lip.

i found this out last night.
it didn't work because i was a mess.



either way, today was an alright start to a nutso busy week.
sunday - work, meeting
monday - teaching, seminar, maybe a little bit of work.
tuesday - teaching, solo show in brooklyn
wednesday - teaching, work
thursday - thanksgiving
friday - work, babysitting
saturday - work, a wonderful date with ms. galarza


but now sleep...teaching pretty early in the morning.

the future of things we all know

(i sat with this open for 30 minutes. i used bablefish to translate it into italian & french. eventually i put it back into english. then i made revisions to it. took things out, added others. mostly added to it. i posted it and then added & edited it even more. here it is in it's basically finished glory...not that anyone reads this anyway)

i had the feeling that i needed to get words out the whole drive home.

i almost cried at work. ever since august, i have cried so much i can now describe to you the exact process that my body takes to get to that moment. i felt that sink in my chest that i get, like part of my throat drops to my diaphragm. my eyes didn't grow watery, i stopped it just in time...but my tear ducts started to fill. when that happens, it puts this odd type pressure on the tops of my cheeks. they always turn bright red and stay that way for a long time. (i even think they have yet to totally bounce back from the debacle that was two wednesdays ago). then my nose tickled. i don't get that part. it is kind of like that "i have to sneeze" feeling, but not quite. when my nose begins to act up, i know that is the last chance i have to stop myself. it is my last chance to pull that emergency break. b/c then my eyes fill up & my vision gets blurry. from that point, any blink can be the wrong one to make that first tear fall. then it is usually all over. this all happened in less than one second. it is that quick. and still that one second is oh so terrifying.

a friend and i were having a nice conversation and then i let my head get the best of me. i thought of something i shouldn't have let myself think about. it was about how no one ever likes me in any additional way. i can count on one hand the three people in my life who legitimately wanted to be in a relationship with me. oddly, i met them all when i was 18 and going to stony brook. (i guess that was a good age & place for me.) but now, i am 25 years old. i've only been in one relationship (which stemmed from that pool of people). even including that off putting three years, it has been one big "swing and a miss" type life for me for the last eight years...lets not even talk about before that.

i understand that i am unattractive.
i understand that i fall for someone quickly.

however, i don't understand how i am constantly deemed better suited for a friend every single time. i don't think i am super undesirable at all. i am a good person. after seven and a half years, i will finally be a college graduate(with two degrees mind you). i get great discounts on books & amazing prices on coffee. i don't ask for much. i am a funny lady. i listen to good music. i mean, i could totally be a good catch.

but no one gives me the chance to be.

i used to think all the time

[Now Playing] Bayside - Moceanu

i have been missing. i could say i have been busy & that is why i haven't written or called.

but i would be a liar.

either way, AA Bondy tonight at mercury lounge



i adore him more since he talks on his shoe like it's a phone.

...apparently, it is a trait i enjoy in people.

drowned her deep inside of me

i feel like crap tonight...
unfortunately nostalgic

it was you or maybe it was me

after a fucked up wednesday & shitty thursday, i am having a much better day. i got to talk to people about it and hearing what people have said, it makes me feel better about what happened but makes me even more mad b/c everything was super uncalled for.

my eye are almost giving me no discomfort, which is a total relief.

what would have been even better though would be if i was at colour revolt tonight. grr. total bummer. but hopefully they will come to town again soon. i haven't seen them in my home state in too long of a time (may 07?). at this point i associate them with philly more than anything else...even though they are from oxford, mississippi and i am from long island.

all that dialogue

today is one of the worst days i have had thus far in my life.

definitely top 5
maybe top 3 if i really thought about it

you sighed and i was lost in you

i spent the whole day in my pajamas

my evening was spent
- in my basement
- drinking tea
- watching 30 rock
- eating grilled cheese
- avoiding feeling like an asshole

overall, it was a pretty decent day off!

...well minus feeling like an asshole

i think i need to think

i have never seen jimmy eat world before, but the fact that they are going to do a string of shows performing the entire Clarity album...i think i might have to get off my ass and see them.

i have nothing to do today and it is going to be wonderful. this is my first day to really be able to do nothing productive since august.

if i wasn't poor i would run to looney tunes and pick up the new right away, great captain! album. but i am poor and lazy, so unless someone else drives me there & pays for it, i will have to wait.

who you gonna call

i just put on pajama bottoms, sweats,
a shirt and a sweatshirt & i'm still cold

hopefully my covers will warm me up

plus ghostbusters II is on & that
can only make the night better

makes life worth living

[Now Watching] VH1: The Pick-Up Artist 2

i cracked the faceplate of my outlit when i was plugging in my amp

so now i don't want to put on my light until i can have my dad look at it. but my parents are in PA and are not going to be back until monday night, maybe tuesday. i have already forgotten 2 times in the last 20 minutes.

it should be fine
i'm over paranoid.


but it was worth it. it felt so good to play my electric. i haven't really felt that pleasant in awhile. it is funny how six vibrating strings can make me happy.

you move awfully quiet now

i'm almost a month away from being done with school
and a month and a halfish from graduating college

i have a feeling life is going to get amazingly
better or be horribly worse once i graduate.




all i know is that i am super broke right now and it sucks.
cause that means all the things i want to do this week...

mon - dinner with friends from school
tues - kevin devine & brian bonz at tcnj
friday - colour revolt at highline ballroom

are probably not going to get accomplished.

i'm also not babysitting this weekend and my paycheck is going to be super low next friday since i only worked three days last week. boo.

you won't even notice i'm gone

i don't care anymore,
but i think my watery eyes did.

all i know is that it is the last time.

You & me have seen everything to see

it has been a while. been super busy & really haven't thought about this lovely place much. work and school has really taken over my life & time. my final observation at student teaching was today. three A's and i feel so happy. i am almost a month away and can't be happier to be done. i am going to miss my kids, but i am ready to be out there in the real world.

tuesday was the election of all elections, in my life time at least. i have never really been into politics, but i have paid much more attention this time around. it feels nice to be somewhat informed. too bad everyone else doesn't feel that way.