i should know better

i came home at 530am with a tweet from the lovely brazilian known as jackie as follows: Drunk; to be or not to be? this confirmed my desire to type out the post i was thinking about on the drive home.

i start this out with the statement: i really don't drink.

tonight i was at this beer garden out in queens. it was lovely. it was a rainy day, so it wasn't too crowded or anything. it was vera's birthday, but i would totally go again if the situation came up. i had my two kahlua & milks, along with a surprise shot. i was good. the most i usually drink in an outting is 2/3 drinks depending on how we go there & how long it is going to be before i have to drive again. i rarely get more than a light buzz. which is usually fine by me.

but there is that handful of nights that i can count on one hand where i drank too much. i float often over that narrow line between drunk and sick the more booze i get in me. however, everynight that i got royally fucked up there was a loaded reason behind it.

alcohol has a reputation as this liquid courage or something that will not make your problems go away, but maybe make them disappear for a while. when i drink more than those 2-3 light drinks it is to try & get one of those two outcome, or maybe to achieve them them both.

there are nights i just think that maybe i should go to the liquor store & have a nice little pity party for one in my room while watching golden girls or listening to a record i love. i have yet to drink all by myself in my home. who knows if that day will ever come?

i go out drinking with my friends & i wish i was able to go out, have a couple drinks, get a nice drunk in my system and then proceed to have a good time like they can. but i can't. that fine line pops up again. do i want to try to drown out my sorrows only to feel like shit in the morning? or do i spin my ice around in my glass with my tiny straw & stare into the cubes like they hold some type of reaction to all my failed actions? or do i just put on a front while i make sure my bestest of friends arrive home safely?