call a loser all for a fix

i wish i was strong.
or at least stronger.

feels like a tourist

i wish i was eloquent.

soon she won't be real either

after her reading this blog thing that i do, sharkey informed me that i can't be sad anymore. noted.

today was a lazy day. i caught myself thinking a little too much & i kind of regret it now. it kind of bummed me out (not the same thing as being sad). sometimes i just get tired of the bullshit, tired of living life as an asshole.

when it comes to myself, my definition of being an asshole is as follows: basically just putting myself out there knowing that i won't be getting anything back. i've lived my whole life this way more often than not. i guess there is part of me that knows that i can't win someone over with just what i have to offer on the outside. i guess it is my way of uselessly trying to have charm. but it fails, everytime. which is why i am still all alone.

but i'm not sad.
not with sharkey & good tunes by my side

i still find you dashing

up watching the special on PBS at 2am
plus amy sedaris is the narrator? joy!

sometimes life isn't so bad.



then again, sometimes it is.

you'll never catch us

i have to leave for work in an hour and a half. so i have just been wandering around my room, straightening up without really cleaning anything. i found some old cards...yeah those kind. i was looking at some of them. thinking about old relationships is a real mind fuck. but looking at them made me both sad & happy. sad because i miss that type of companionship, that type of love, that type of bond. but happy because it was a terrible type of companionship, type of love, type of bond. my mom bought a shredder recently. i might have to put it to good use soon.

reading the cards also made me think of the life i used to have & the life i have now. it made me think of my friends. and how two years ago i really didn't have anyone. now i have some of the greatest groups of people from all aspects of my life...work, school, music, career (yes, career is in there even though i don't have one yet).

someone else would hear me

last night was a fun time out with laura & becca. we got some thai food, went to rockwood for a massive local correspondents show & then went to mercury lounge for my first pablo show since june 2007. it was a good but weird night.

i bought some seedless red grapes this morning. so yummy.

apparently i twitter now. i don't know why i started. mostly to keep up with my peoples. but i might start using it frequently. why not, you know? another space on the internet to take over.

pattern must be destroyed

work was same ol' but it was a good day.

i'm spending my night watching rock of love: tour bus, reading some magazines and listening to some tunes.

i haven't done this in a bit
but here is is again...

sunday: work & then hanging around the house
monday: sleeping in!! & then show hopping in the city
tuesday: work 5-close
wednesday: work 4-close
thursday: work 4-close
friday: no babysitting!!
saturday: work 8-4 & going to jessi's show

(a nice lunch with chissy should be happening before work some day this week. it will occur whenever i am not lazy or when the mood strikes me)

tomorrows show hopping includes a mega local correspondent show at rockwood and then pablo at mercury lounge? it might prove to be an interesting night, but a least i'll have laura & maybe becca by my side.

nothing lasts forever

i sort of overslept for work. & i have spent my evening watching tool academy, drinking tea, eating waffles and downloading ray lamontagne.

i have also decided to actively not be an asshole anymore
it doesn't pay off and in the end i'm still all alone.

a couple weeks ago someone told me not to give up. and i said back to them, without missing a beat that i won't ever give up, but i am just done trying. it is sad & depressing, but it is what it is. no matter how much i have learned over the last couple years, it is never fun crying yourself to sleep and it is the pits not being wanted. sometimes i feel it is no one's fault but my own that my life has ended up in the place it has. i see happy couples and i am sad i'm alone. i hear about break-ups and i am glad to be single.

i guess it is a double edged sword no matter which way you swing it.

(i think i might have, even cryptically, said too much)

i don't care what the captain said

i'm going to see tucker max tonight in the city.

i'm not exactly sure why...oh well.

sparks that ring and bullets fly

so i didn't do it yesterday but i changed the song now. it isn't really happy & joyful as per Betty's request. however it was on my computer & it makes me fucking dance.

so. things? they have been alright. i feel lately my mood is entirely different from day to day. this past week has been good and silly and nuts and crazy. but it has been fine. life is actually pretty good. i could list more than one reason why i should be going a little wacky right now, but i am not. i feel like i am stronger than i have ever been.

something "fun" from this past week was a book signing at the store. jeff kinney was there. he wrote the books in the "diary of a wimpy kid" series. over 3,000 people showed up. this is sharkey holding back the mob:

i was on the cashwrap trying to keep people smoothly to each register. i don't know why they kept the short music seller up there, but i think i did alright for myself. tomorrow is mary pope osbourne. there is a 1,000 people limit on wristbands. oh and she broke her wrist, so her & her people are going to be stamping books with her signature. there are going to be a lot of pissed off parents.