tried not to make a scene

Yesterday is gone, Yesterday is dead
Get it through your head and walk away
Yesterday is gone
Ain't no use hanging on to her memory
If it only causes you pain

forever and a day

i've become a buckly fan over the last couple months (i tried in the past, but never could really get into it). and this cover of a nina simone song is possibly one of favorite things to listen to him sing. a couple days ago, i sat in my car and listened to it 4 times in a row. it is one of those songs that makes me feel complete & it makes me want to die all at the same time.

And I hops in my ride

all i've got is a haystack

sometimes I can't help but feel defeated. like no matter how much I try, things just will never be what I want them to be.

I'm not sure what else to write besides that.
nor am I sure what else to do with myself anymore.

but for now I am going to listen to the new david gray album till I fall asleep.

and I'll never show my face again

I will even drive you home
if you never let me forget about you
and if you promise me that
I'm good enough for someone
cause I've got to be good enough for you
someday soon I'll get it right
and then you'll see just how good I can be

my favorite saves the day song.

but we weren't joking all the time

sometimes I just get so tired. but I'm never sleepy.

sick and sunk and I blame myself

according to the united state's postal service tracking website, my pre-order bundle of daisy should be arriving today. so in honor, i'm going to be listening the entire brand new catalog before i give the new album a real listen. i didn't download the leak but i've heard it in cars and random tracks. today it is for reals.

a woman left lonely

music is the one thing in my life that always makes sense and that will always make me feel alright, even when it makes me want to die.

so now back to listening to the wonderful janis joplin.

what makes it so easy for you

sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my time.

what it is that you're chasing after

dear lily allen,

even though i just listened to one of your songs & it made me feel like shit, you are wise. i don't know... it is something that i just needed to hear and thanks to that lovely accent of yours, it absorbs some of the pain.

-katharine

a vine that keeps climbing higher

not baking today.

my frantic refreshing of the tracking page for my ipod delivery shows that it was put on a truck this morning at 7:48am. hopefully it doesn't come after i leave for work or before someone gets home from work.

while i wait i have been listening to vinyl, reading rolling stone and making pasta.

end right where we began

i am going to get a good sleep this evening.
then tomorrow, it is back to my regularly scheduled programing.

i might bake.

i should know better

i came home at 530am with a tweet from the lovely brazilian known as jackie as follows: Drunk; to be or not to be? this confirmed my desire to type out the post i was thinking about on the drive home.

i start this out with the statement: i really don't drink.

tonight i was at this beer garden out in queens. it was lovely. it was a rainy day, so it wasn't too crowded or anything. it was vera's birthday, but i would totally go again if the situation came up. i had my two kahlua & milks, along with a surprise shot. i was good. the most i usually drink in an outting is 2/3 drinks depending on how we go there & how long it is going to be before i have to drive again. i rarely get more than a light buzz. which is usually fine by me.

but there is that handful of nights that i can count on one hand where i drank too much. i float often over that narrow line between drunk and sick the more booze i get in me. however, everynight that i got royally fucked up there was a loaded reason behind it.

alcohol has a reputation as this liquid courage or something that will not make your problems go away, but maybe make them disappear for a while. when i drink more than those 2-3 light drinks it is to try & get one of those two outcome, or maybe to achieve them them both.

there are nights i just think that maybe i should go to the liquor store & have a nice little pity party for one in my room while watching golden girls or listening to a record i love. i have yet to drink all by myself in my home. who knows if that day will ever come?

i go out drinking with my friends & i wish i was able to go out, have a couple drinks, get a nice drunk in my system and then proceed to have a good time like they can. but i can't. that fine line pops up again. do i want to try to drown out my sorrows only to feel like shit in the morning? or do i spin my ice around in my glass with my tiny straw & stare into the cubes like they hold some type of reaction to all my failed actions? or do i just put on a front while i make sure my bestest of friends arrive home safely?

pass the time with beer and sleep

this box that i am supposed to write something in has been open for about 30min but i'm still at a loss for what to say.

so i'll just leave it at that, go upstairs, change out of my work clothes & get ready for tonight.

the only thing making me happy is that my ipod is has left for, has arrived at or is leaving anchorage, alaska. i can't wait to get it.

i dream of living a different life

life as of late has been pretty ok.

tuesday night was spent with my girls in asbury park. i ate surf taco & saw pablo. my vagrant records order should be arriving tomorrow as long as UPS is operating in a timely fashion. my upgraded ipod touch was ordered yesterday when i got home from work. it is engraved (with a kevin quote of course) & currently on it's way from china. it should arrive maybe tuesday. saturday brings beer garden fun for vera's bday. even though i don't drink beer, this should be a fun occasion.

but i have been in moods lately. yesterday at work, i was out of it all day & moving super slow. i have been getting lost in my thought processes. i have been getting agitated super easily. i am apathetic yet i care way too much. i feel like a big mush ball.

hopefully this weekend picks things up for me. and if it doesn't, i'm going to The Nightman Cometh Live on wednesday with tina. if that can't cheer me up and make me pee my pants from laughter, then nothing will & i'm a lost cause.

doesn't matter who's on the line

jackie finally posted her west chester videos. if you ever wonder what in my life keeps me going, so much of it is this man & his music.



bah. so good.

something that you never said

you're the bee's knees but so am i (the smiths)

everything is adding up

sometimes nights i go to sleep with the though that i am epically failing at this life.

but then i wake up, listen to music, participate in retail therapy & i feel better about things. there are moments in my life when i don't think about how things are terrible like taking a fat trip to pennsylvania or planing musical journeys with the team.

that's the whole idea it's true

this rendition of the song is beyond beautiful.
and it, plainly stated, makes me want to die.
(i'm not sure just yet it's in a good or bad way)



end of story.